peoplepleasing

Have you realized that you need to consciously allow another person to love you?

If you’re not used to being loved, your default position may be to push people away. For example, a reader recently wrote:

I got really close to someone, then I did what I always do, I found the nearest exit and sprinted away to the single life.

Been doing this forever. As soon as the other person really loves me, I fight, flee or freeze.

In my family, I never felt good enough and always failed to make my parents proud. Feeling unloved and trusting very few people, I find it’s easier to stand alone.

Vulnerability goes against my grain, so when I do fall in love, I never let it last long. For the life of me, I can’t let someone love me!

How do you stop resisting and allow someone to love you?

communication patternsWe run from things that scare us, and love is no different. Why be scared of love? There are several reasons.

Understanding them is the key to ending the relationship sabotage. What follows are 10 reasons why you might be scared of love and comments to help you overcome.

The following 10 beliefs may be preventing you from accepting love.

You may believe that:

1. When someone loves you, they will leave you.

If you have been left in the past, you may anticipate that whoever loves you is going to leave. You want to avoid that pain, so you run from the relationship.

Of course, you shouldn’t blindly trust people who have not demonstrated commitment, either.

The key here is to move slowly. Share your concerns at the right time and pay attention for signs of commitment and loyalty. It’s even a good idea to write down the signs of commitment (or lack thereof) that you observe. Keep your feet on the ground and keep moving ahead slowly.

2. When someone loves you, they will expect too much of you.

Usually people will expect love and commitment from you in return. Your partner will want to be a high priority in your life, which may require sacrifice on your part. Is it worth it? I don’t know. How badly do you want a committed relationship?

It’s important to remember that expectations are a healthy part of a solid relationship. Yet, knowing how much is too much guilthidecan be tricky. Every relationship is different. Again, this is a concern to share with your partner and come to an equitable agreement.

You’ll learn a lot about your partner if you say something like:

I want to meet your needs, but I’m having a hard time knowing what is fair. I feel like when you want me to do the dishes every night, you are taking advantage of me. What do you think?

3. When someone loves you, they will know too much about you.

This anxiety is a major block to intimacy. We want to spare ourselves the risk of being discovered for the bad person we believe we are. So, we hide everything. This prevents mutual sharing of the joys and pains of life.

If you’re feeling unworthy of love because of your past, then you’ve got to square yourself with your past. Interestingly, stepping fully into the present is the best way to put the past in its place.

4. When someone loves you, they will disappoint you.

Yes, they will. Nobody lives up to every expectation. People make mistakes, get lazy and forget their priorities. You will, too.

Prepare for this one. A great way to deal with disappointment is to let your partner know where you stand. Do it respectfully. From there, you can negotiate what happens next. Why would you withhold your disappointment and not give your partner an opportunity to make good?

5. When someone loves, you they will hurt your feelings.

They will. Let them know. Don’t express your hurt as anger or resentment. Express your hurt as hurt. Simple. You can say the following:
When you (fill in the blank) it hurt my feelings. Did you mean to do that?

Manipulation.

Again, you’ll learn a lot about your relationship by the way your partner responds.

6. When someone loves you, they will control you.

If you’re used to being controlled, you may attract controlling people. Recognizing this up front helps to notice any red flags as you enter new relationships.

If you’re already in a controlling relationship, then you can look for your part in it. Do you always say yes? Do you act helpless? Do you procrastinate and invite intervention? How good are you at making independent decisions when appropriate?

If you are not available to be controlled, then you can’t be controlled.

7. When someone loves you, they will deprive you.

People who are supposed to love you, ignore you. They use you or only pay attention to you when they want something, right? If you’re used to being deprived, you may let all this slide.

The truth is, people who get their needs met consistently aren’t just lucky. They express their needs and work to meet others needs, too. How are you doing in this department?

scold8. When someone loves you, your family will reject them.

Of course there is a likelihood that one or more of your family members do not like your partner. Now what? Listen to their side of the story, that’s what. Then, take it into consideration as you make your choice. Your choice.

The worst thing you can do is insist on being with someone just because your family disapproves.

9. When someone loves you, you will lose your friends.

You’ll have to scale back on time with friends. So, this is a matter of priorities. I’ve known of people who get into committed relationships who don’t want to sacrifice time with friends. Usually, their partner comes to me for coaching, stating that the relationship isn’t working.

It’s a reality, there are only so many days in a week. It may help to remember that you aren’t necessarily going to lose your friends. You’ll be spending less time with them, though.

10. When someone loves you, you will lose yourself.

It’s all about boundaries. How can you be in a fully committed relationship and not lose yourself? It may help to know that this is a question for the ages. It’s an issue for all of us.

Getting into the right frame of mind may help clarify the issue. When you commit to another person, you do not become ONE with that person. That implies losing yourself. A healthy relationship adds an element to who you are. It doesn’t detract.

Maybe it’s better to suggest that you become a team. A even though corporations throughout the world claim that there is no “I” in team, there absolutely is! You are a person with another person. You work together, negotiate, respect each other and maintain your individuality as you do these things.

The Key to All of This

Is not to do anything special to “embrace” the love coming your way. It’s more helpful to identify why you are resisting. Then, stop resisting.

When you cease to block your partner’s love, it will go right in.

Resources:

To set up and maintain a relationship the right way, consider Jake and Hannah Eagle’s Dating, Relating and Mating online program. This is a world class, comprehensive guide to setting up your relationship to last.

Most of the beliefs above are related to the deeper issue of self-sabotage. To understand how self-sabotage works subconsciously to destroy your happiness, watch this free and enlightening video.

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