They’re the tricky ones, y’know. The super-nice narcissists. Oooooo, they are subtle. All the narcissists in my acquaintance are super nice. I mean nicey, nice, NICE! That’s what makes narcissism so hard to detect, so hard to identify when you meet someone new who may become a friend, partner, spouse.
But what if…what if we could detect narcissism despite the cloak of niceness. Do even nice, nice, nice narcissists slip up early in your acquaintance with them? What if there was an Early Detection System so we don’t waste months and years cultivating friendships, relationships and even saying “I Do” to those super-nice narcissists, only to be dashed years later?
In retrospect, here are some clues that could’ve and should’ve tipped me off to be more careful about who I befriended. Of course, normal people do all of these things too…so it’s not fool-proof. But y’know what they say: Forewarned is forearmed.
They Give Too Much, Too Fast…Unsolicited
It’s like…like they’re trying to get you in their debt…fast. They are so generous…and you barely know them yet. Too generous. Giving you stuff. Helping you with things. Oh, they’re so nice!!
Too nice. It’s just a little weird. In fact, you offer to pay for everything they give you, reimburse them for their time, etc. But no! They won’t take your money! They do it out of friendship, they say.
Well, that’s nice. A little too nice, perhaps, but still nice.
Spilling of Guts, Too Much, Too Fast
They’re an open book. Have no secrets. Spill their guts. You know all about their family, finances and sex life. It becomes easy to share about yours too. There’s too much intimacy, way too fast. No normal boundaries.
And believe me…it’ll come back to bite you in the butt when time passes and “familiarity breeds contempt.”
They Gossip…A Lot
Really, it’s just about the only conversation they have. Talking about other people. Warning you who to fraternize with and who to avoid. Waxing eloquent about other people’s mistakes, other people’s stupidity.
Not that it isn’t interesting. With their flair as a raconteur, it actually makes for fascinating conversation. But scratch away the eloquence and it’s still gossip, plain and simple.
That’s when it occurs to you. When I’m not around, who do they talk about? ME!?!
Their Family is Screwed Up
But they love them…very much. Their family is their world. But the stories they tell! Abuse. It’s as plain as the nose on their face. They come from a very f-ed-up family…and don’t know it.
Then you meet The Family. Nice folks! Very nice folks. They start giving you stuff too. Oh dear. Here we go again.
But the father? A very angry, depressed man who puts on his nicey-nicey act just when you’re around.
And the mother? The mother can’t stop criticizing her adult kids. Not only that, she’s jealous…jealous of her own kids. When they acquire some new thing, the mother can’t bear it. Her jealousy is seeping out of every pore in her body. She does her best to ruin their joy, criticizing their new possession.
And when the kids are not around, she gossips about her own children to you.
And when the mother’s not around, her kids gossip about her to you.
Yeah, something is really wrong here.
They’re Very Competitive
But sometimes, your friends’ nicey-niceness slips. Usually in the midst of competition. The game they didn’t win. The buck they didn’t shoot. The fish they didn’t catch. Their upset goes beyond normal angst. They don’t take losing gracefully. There is some serious bitterness when they don’t win.
But it’s just a character flaw. Right? Or is it part of the whole picture?
They Can’t Take the Slightest Criticism, Even in Jest
Oh, they can give it. Dish it out with a shovel. The teasing is non-stop. Mostly at your expense, but what the heck. It’s FUNNY! But turn the tables, tease them, even just a little bit, and yeah. They don’t like it! They may pretend to be okay. “Ha ha,” along with everybody else. But you can see it. A look in the eye that says, “No jokes at my expense…ever. NOT funny!”
They Complain About Their Other Friends to You…but Can’t Say “No”
Oh, they complain. Complain, complain, complain. Complain about their other friends. Ripping ’em off. Manipulating them. Using them.
But they never say “no.” Perhaps they can’t say “no.” Can’t set a boundary.
So they complain to you instead…about people you know. Bitch. Complain. Gossip. Backbite.
And you can’t help wondering…what do they say about me?
They Insult People Just Like You
Oh, not at first! But as “familiarity breeds contempt,” they start talking degradingly about other people…people just like you. Oh, they don’t mean you. They may even say, “I don’t mean you.” But why ever not?!? If you resemble those remarks, why are you the exception?
I have a friend who loves to talk disparagingly about fat people, disabled people, white collar people. She may be many things, but she’s naturally thin, healthy and can’t run a computer to save her life. Uh, my husband and I are both pudgy, white collar and he’s disabled. So, I tried to stand up for us, set a boundary, point out that a lot of factors besides gluttony result in weight gain, let her know she was insulting us. I was met with stony silence. No apology. And her conversation hasn’t changed. She still rails against fat lazy people, disabled people and white collar people who spend all their time on the computer. Oh, but she doesn’t mean us.
They Get Upset at the Slightest Boundary
Say “no” just once and you can hear their voice dripping with disappointment. You set a boundary. You have a life of your own…and they don’t like it. They want you to always be there, at their beck and call.
Suddenly, you’re not. And that mask of niceness slips. They punish you with that disappointed tone. With that deep sigh. With the drawn-out “Well, thanks anyways,” before they hang up the phone.
And you feel like shit…just as they wanted you to.
And last, and this is a long shot, but important to say…
They’re Are / Were Members of a Cult
Cults are run by narcissists and cults turn nice normal folk into narcissists. Scratch a cult member and I bet you’ll find a narcissist.
Here’s how it works.
- Nice, normal person joins a cult. (Or maybe they joined because they were not mentally healthy and were looking for something to “complete” them.)
- Cult love-bombs on new member.
- Cult teaches new member that in order to be more righteous than the wretched “normal” world they must dress oddly, possibly believe far-out things, live strangely, behave weirdly and otherwise stick out in society like a sore thumb.
- Cult member resists this weirdness.
- Cult removes the love-bombing.
- Cult member embraces all the weirdness, so they can be loved again.
- Cult member pumps themselves up to feel “better than” everybody else.
- Cult member reconnoiters life trying to feel good about themselves even though they are really weird now.
- RESULT: Narcissism
It makes sense, doesn’t it! Cult members go out into the world with a holier-than-thou chip on their shoulder disguising just how hard it is to feel okay when you’re really weird. Narcissist much?
The only problem with this Early Detection System is that truly nice people who are not narcissists do all of these things. So, like I said in the introduction, it’s not a fool-proof system.
Just keep it in mind, as you meet new people and hopefully, we can live a narcissist-free life.