bipolar infidelityI have repeatedly asked myself “who is really to blame when we choose to do stupid things as a result of a manic episode?”

I don’t have any legitimate answers to that question, which is probably why I keep asking myself over and over again the same question.  I do have some theories though, so here I go ranting again!

A few years ago (prior to my diagnoses) I cheated on my husband.  Yes *gasp* I cheated.  I am a horrible woman, and a horrible wife.  Well, at least I beat myself up over it for a long time.  It wasn’t a long standing affair, it wasn’t a “love triangle,” it was one stupid night.  One very stupid night.

I was not medicated or even diagnosed, and absolutely out of my mind with madness.  Looking back on the situation it all makes perfect sense, now, nearly four years later. At this point, I think I can blame the manic episode for the ill choices I made that night.  Before this revelation I had blamed my husband, my kids, my situation, I blamed everyone and everything but myself in an attempt to escape the guilt.

When I crashed into a depression afterwards it was brutal.  It was severe, and it was extremely overwhelming.  I had to suffer the guilt over that bad choice for months.

When I finally confessed to my husband what I’d done, I was shocked at his response, he was actually not as angry as I had expected.  We had been drinking though, so it made the blow a little softer.  We went through the typical emotions that come from “cheating” and took the long road of recovery to get our marriage back, but I still to this day wonder who was ever really to blame for that night.

Was it the man who took advantage of the resentment I felt towards my husband and children? Was I to blame for being unable to muster up enough self-control to keep myself out of that situation? Was my husband to blame for pushing me so far away?  Was the manic episode to blame since I was undiagnosed? Who the heck knows, all I know is it sucks!

The only thing I am certain about now is how important it is to stay on my medication to prevent these stupid events from happening during a crazy manic episode.  I have learned how important forgiveness is when it comes to love.  While forgiving is probably the hardest step for anyone when it comes to infidelity, behind the hurt there is a brighter side whether one realizes it or not,  it’s called happiness.  It may take a really long time but with a lot of faith, love, and forgiveness, anything is possible.

My strong, dedicated, incredibly loving and adoring husband is proof of that, because he brought us back to where we needed to be through strength and forgiveness.

Photo by wrestlingentropy, available under a Creative Commons attribution license.