6 thoughts on “Speak Wisely! 17 Phrases That Can Destroy Your Relationship

  • February 13, 2019 at 9:26 am

    I cannot productively formulate my side of an argument. I lock up, become frustrated with my inability to defend myself, and start crying from anger/sadness/frustration. I was raised in abuse; hitting and yelling I understand better than an argument.
    For many years I have been working on this part of myself, but I still have very poor skills. I feel betrayed by the other person when a disagreement escalates into an argument, since they almost always are a person who knows my history, I do not understand why they would take it to that level.
    In many ways I am probably childlike about disagreements and arguments because I don’t comprehend how a normal conversation turns into that ugly interaction. Then I have no ability to understand or fix anything because my skill level is so low.
    I have read most of these items before and I try to practice them in my interactions, but it’s difficult to avoid the traps of language when both parties are trying to say everything at once. I feel like I’m going to get stepped on if I do not make my point right away. Logically I know that we should save it for another time, think about things, and come back to it later with a clear communication. However, after 18 years of being hit if I didn’t convince someone fast enough, the sense of urgency is painfully high; I am left shaking and sick.

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    • February 13, 2019 at 1:13 pm

      Sarah, these are so much easier said that done, especially at the moment. Try to remind yourself that there are very few things that have to be discussed right at THIS MOMENT and that you’re in a safer place than you used to be. If it makes it easier, set an actual time and day to finish the conversation.

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  • February 13, 2019 at 9:43 am

    I was in a very toxic dynamic with my Ex-husband and, ultimately his mother. She was driving the train on the abuse and narcissism. One of the many abusive things he said to me was, “No one will ever love you for anything but your body.” I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment, which I now understand is why I ended up in that relationship. My ex, expected me to be a stay at home mom with two children. However, he would frequently say to me, “What do you know about being a parent, look at how you grew up.” If I wanted to do something like yoga, he would accuse me of not being a good Christian. The list was long as to how he judged and persecuted me. His mother was usually the one pointing something out to him to use against me. According to him, anything his mother said was always right. I do not see enough articles about the damage a spouse’s family can create in a marriage, especially when someone comes from an enmeshed family and has no autonomy and the maturity to think for their self and how to remain loyal to their spouse/marriage and “that” family. Thanks for this article, learning how to mature in how we love and respect our self and others is an ongoing process that requires commitment, discipline confidence, humility and lots of practice.

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    • February 13, 2019 at 1:09 pm

      Being in a relationship with someone who comes from a narcissistic family can be hard, both because of the behaviors that were learned but also because of ongoing interactions with their family. You’re so right about this being overlooked!

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  • February 13, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    I say “calm down” to my partner and friends, and it works! I suppose it’s about how you say it and what sort of other things you say with it. They certainly don’t scream back “I am calm!” I’ve had the occasional “I can’t calm down!” Which is fair enough, as far as I’m concerned.

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