20 thoughts on “Too Much Stuff: When Your Partner is Hoarding

  • August 21, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    I am looking for support for myself as well as ways in which I may help my husband who is a hoarder. I am looking for support groups, books or any kind of information that might be helpful. Feeling desperate! I have been married for 37 yrs and I love my husband but this way of living is taking its toll on me. My Dr. suggested Al Anon group maybe could help even though alcohol is not involved. Thank you in advance for any guidance or suggestions you may have.

    Reply
    • November 14, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      I agree and am looking for the same thing! Hope we find help for us!

      Reply
    • December 6, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      I feel the same way and watching shows re hoarding it seems like they need professional help. Good luck with him accepting that plus we can’t afford it

      Reply
    • December 6, 2016 at 8:45 pm

      I feel the same way and watching shows re hoarding it seems like they need professional help. Good luck with him accepting that plus we can’t afford it

      Reply
  • November 14, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    I have been married to this man I love for 37 years. If it wasn’t for his hoarding, I would have nothing to complain about. It spills out in every area of our lives. I don’t feel good about having anyone come over. We are both 70 years old now and it is getting harder for me to manage keeping our main living space clean while he fills up the other rooms. I would like a support group to go to just to help my sanity! Any suggestions?

    Reply
  • November 15, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Greetings Knitbug:) & Wee Mom:)…So SORRY to hear about Your difficult situation!:( As a cleaner/organizer/Mom of 4 aka as a person who highly prefers order and cleanliness!…it must feel like torture to have to endure. Can either of You ask close family or friends to help You get a living space under control? Or hire a professional, at least temporarily, to help clean up or get rid of the mountain of mess? Then, of course, You’ll have to consider maintenance strategies long-term. Trying to simplify and use/keep only what you truly need is an attitude that helps prevent/manage clutter/disorder. Though, i fully realize that those practicing/living hoarding are suffering and in need of compassion, help and understanding as well as their families!:)Just a brief research on-line and found hoardnomore.org…(offering a hoard no more rescue kit)i encourage everyone to do their own personal research on “any” topic (of interest or need)to find what “actually” works/helps from trusted sources. Wishing You both PEACE & CLEAN living…inside & out!:) Take Care.

    Reply
  • May 19, 2015 at 11:38 am

    Don’t gut it?sorry but when children’s services shows up and she still refuses to throw away things or get help I CAN and I will gut the useless stuff.

    Reply
    • March 12, 2018 at 12:17 am

      I feel you, with this one! My husband is a hoarder, (& not always of the cheap, 2nd hand variety), who has turned what was once a beautiful, fully functional home, into a cesspool of crap! For years I tried to clean up & straighten up his junk, but now his hoardes take up all the space where my item used to go, so I have nowhere to out anything I need to use away. It’s spread into my room now, as well. I was permenany disabled in a car accident 20 years ago, or I’d have been gone long ago! Its even caused a huge riff between me & my own family, who act like I should be able to just “make him clean it up, or do it myself”. I feel so isolated, frustrated, & trapped, as I have nowhere to go, & can’t support myself & our daughter, (who seems to have her fathers hoarding issues as well). I don’t know where to turn. I need urgent dental & medical issues taken care of, that I can’t afford, because instead, he chose to buy 5 AR 15’s & a dozen other misc. guns, cases, shooting tables, & enough rounds of ammo to man an army. He’s been a gun hoarder for many years, but this is the worst ever, & I’m still in shock after discovering it a few days ago. His main “hoarding den” is next to our laundry room, & I’m terrifed that if we ever had a dryer fire, we’d all be gone. I’d hoped that as my daughter got older, she’d be more help, but she’s become part of the problem too. I’m so burmed out on living in this hell, I can’t stand it, & have no help or resources. There are days I’d rather just die, than to be forced to continue living in the freakfest, seriously.

      Reply
  • May 28, 2015 at 10:26 pm

    HELP!! I see most of the hoarding comments are about hoarding stuff in the home. I have another problem. I have been married to my husband now for 28 years. We live on 8 acres and he has a crane truck so he loves to bring home stuff that is huge and unmoveable!! Our paddock now is nearly full of logs,machinery, boats, dead cars, you name it, we’ve got it!! He always has the excuse that he’s too busy to clean up and I’m so embarrassed of the place, I hate having people around and am on the verge of leaving him.

    Reply
  • August 6, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    I hear you Hadenough. I had my partner move in over a year ago and his obsession with keeping a sponge cause he can use it later is just ridiculous. There is useless rubbish everywhere, when I helped him move I just threw things out that looked useless. But to him they were things of importance, I threw out one screw and he was not happy. One screw!! Our front and backyard is a pigsty and I am so miserable all I want to do is sleep and not wake up from this nightmare. I know it runs in his family but after a year you wd think he wd sort through his useless crap.

    Reply
    • December 6, 2016 at 8:48 pm

      Agree I can’t stand it anymore

      Reply
  • August 6, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    PS: “Oh look at that bit of air floating around, better get a zip lock bag and keep that for later” Does anyone else feel this way with hoarders?? And the age old question, why cant I just throw his useless stuff out? Im beyond depressed but there is no point saying anything anymore as he gets angry. Just so hurt and tired and sad. Is there a support group for partners of hoarders??

    Reply
  • January 18, 2016 at 9:45 am

    Hi
    I am married to a horder. He has had one room in the house full of rubbish for 13 years. Nothing I do will get him to clear it, even though we have 2 children that would really benefit from the bedroom he has full. He says it on his agender and be patient! He says I am abusive when I am very upset asking him to clear the bedroom, I can not understand how he can not care how upset this room makes me. Our marriage is in serious danger and he does not seem to care! He always has a reason he can’t clear it, a year ago it was “all the baby stuff” is in the way, so I took it all to the charity shop. Now it’s “all the Xmas decor is in the way” . I am at the end of my tether, everyday he makes us live this way I stop loving him just a little bit, I don’t look at him the same way, because he is hurting me so much! Help!

    Reply
  • January 31, 2016 at 12:08 pm

    Usuallynicelady, I’m having the same issue with my girlfriend. Between the two of us, there are 5 young children in the house. We have one room that has been designated a “playroom”. The problem with that is that the kids can barely even get in to the room because of the amount of toys, cabinet/shelving units, desks and boxes. Toys that have been broken are not allowed to be thrown away, same as the ones that have simply been outgrown.
    Our living room is barely usable due to clothes and trash covering all but 2 seats. The kitchen is a constant battle. I drive a truck for a living, mostly local, but if I am sent out of town for a couple of days, when I return the kitchen is pretty much unusable. Unwashed dishes, food and trash are covering every bit of counter space available.
    We also somehow ended up with three cats. Yet another constant battle. The laundry room is disgusting due to the litter box that is constantly overflowing. When the litter box isn’t cleaned, guess what the cats go to the bathroom on. She then decided she wanted a puppy. I agreed to the puppy on the condition that we had to get rid of 2 cats. That plan worked so well that we now have 3 cats and puppy.
    Basically, the only 3 rooms in the house that are somewhat clean (i use that term loosely) are the children’s bedrooms. I’m at my wits end. I love her, I love her children, but I absolutely can’t continue to live like this. I’ve told her how I feel and it seems to make no difference. The only thing that’s changed is she’s now trying to sneak new items in to the house.

    Reply
  • May 6, 2016 at 9:35 am

    I’ve read articles before about being sensitive to the difficulties the hoarder is facing. After 12 years my sensitivity is exhausted! I need to start thinking about me and my mental health. I’m trapped in a situation where I’ve invested all of my savings into buying a house with my partner (we’re both 66). I didn’t understand about hoarding. I knew he had a lot of stuff, but I believed him (why wouldn’t I?) when he said he wanted to get rid of most of it. Instead of that he’s filled our house so that I have nowhere to put any of my things, nowhere to sit, nowhere to eat or prepare food. I think our house must be worth considerably less than we paid for it, because it’s impossible to clean. What makes it worse is that he thinks I’m the on that’s obsessed with tidiness. Worse than that is anyone unlucky enough to visit us (plumber, decorator, delivery person etc – I never invite friends or family) say nothing to him, but feel free to give me advice – usually advice that has no understanding of the issues.

    I feel utterly trapped in a situation that has no apparent solution.

    Reply
    • December 28, 2016 at 5:47 pm

      I’m 65 been married 23 years and it is getting worse. I go walking with the dog don’t know what else to do I am in therapy…I can’t stand it. I have depression also and this doesn’t help

      Reply
  • December 28, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    my husband is the hoarder saves jar with lids plastic tray bags of them cannot touch anything paper bags plastic bags magazine toys since he was little in original toy box..what can I do. if something happens to him i’ll be left with 7000 square feet hoard

    Reply
    • March 12, 2018 at 12:34 am

      Ironically, that is one of my biggest fears! Since he has the income, (& no life insurance, of course), when I’ve asked him how I can care for our child, & not lose our house if something happens to him, he gets all snappy, & starts listing off all the stuffI can sell! I can just see my daughter & I, standing in a parking lot, having photos taken of his old, ratty truck, so I can sell it to pay for his funeral! He couldn’t care less about either of us. So sad….

      Reply
  • May 1, 2017 at 4:26 am

    I have been Very depressed over the house it cluttered very badly I need help bad or out of there I am desperate And Step Daughter just as bad…………………

    I feel like if it get worse I might do something bad HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  • February 13, 2018 at 1:08 am

    Sounds like we’re all in the same boat, folks. I came here in a quest for a support group for spouses of hoarders, etc. I too decided that I’M the one who needs therapy, since I sure can’t help her. Love her, our kids, can’t split up. But can’t live this way. I feel like you’ve all been thinking my thoughts and feeling my feelings.

    The only diff is, in our relationship I’m definitely the driver. She has trouble making decisions and is happy to have me be decisive. Except when it comes to stuff. Then and only then she turns into a wolverine. I know she’s in intense pain, whatever it was that made her start hoarding –
    but she won’t address it. We’re both shredded by it.

    At the end of the day, you have to willing to draw a line in the sand and then cross it yourself. Just throw the old stuff out. And don’t worry – your partner will find more stuff. So if you have to stay in the relationship, you have to be willing to go toe-to-toe every once in while to bring the house back to something like presentable. It blows over. Your partner won’t leave you. You’re the only knucklehead who will put up with their mess.

    Reply
 

Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *