16 thoughts on “What To Do When A Loved One Diets, Part 2

  • March 9, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Margarita + Joy = swoon! I’m dealing with this now with a dear friend. I’m definitely with you that evangelism is not helpful. For me, figuring this out is as much about self-care as how to support my friend. For example, I want to be loving toward my friend, but I also don’t want to find myself triggered by convos about points. She knows what I’m doing, I know what she’s doing, and that is pretty much it. Thankfully, our relationship has never been predicated on food/exercise talk, so it’s not a huge factor.

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    • March 9, 2011 at 3:42 pm

      Thank you, Anna!!! 🙂 That’s a great point about the potential for being triggered. It is important to protect yourself from that. I liken it to talking about politics and religion (i.e., you don’t have to talk about these topics; they’re probably not the focal point of your friendship). Maybe if friends are on different paths, then they can agree to disagree and just not bring up the topic. This might not always work but I like the idea of creating an agreement that you just won’t bring it up.

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  • March 9, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Thank you for sharing. I am just starting the “rebirth” stage as I have just recently ditched the dieting mentality and am learning to listen to my body all over again. Since I have done this I have wanted so badly for people to get on board with me. Particularly my mother. I have preached, and pushed, and really it has gotten me nowhere and has really been driving a wedge between me and my mom. I needed this. I needed this perspective. I think it’s brilliant. I need to do this for me and even though I want her support and want her to join me, she isn’t ready and that’s okay. Time to take a step back and take a deep breath. This is something I want for my life regardless of what others are doing. Thanks again.

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    • March 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

      @ Melanee, thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment! I can totally understand why you’d want your mom to join you in ditching the diet mentality. It’s so hard to keep your perspective to yourself when someone is clearly not listening to their body or being self-critical or restricting. But like Joy said, it’s important to focus on yourself. I’m so glad her words resonated with you. And I think it’s awesome that you know what you want, and you’re working through it. That’s really exciting.

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  • March 9, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    ah, the topic that i’m really struggling with. joy, your perspective is invaluable, and very similar to one another dear friend has been sharing with me. you are both very wise women.

    i’ve been thinking about this a lot, and it’s true – much of it is about ME, and not about my friends. i have shared my perspective, i have loaned my friends my copies of ‘intuitive eating’ and ‘health at every size’ – and beyond that, there is nothing i can do. and even more, nothing that i SHOULD do. it’s not about me.

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    • March 9, 2011 at 6:44 pm

      @ Julie, I’m glad you found Joy’s words to be so helpful! It sounds like you’ve done a lot to help your friends and given them some great materials to read. I totally agree that there’s nothing you “should” do. It comes down to your friends’ choices.

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  • March 9, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    “What do you think about Joy’s advice?”

    I think Joy’s advice ROCKS!! I can so relate to the idea that when we’re needy, we get push-back. When we’re confident, people say to themselves, “I want what she’s having.” 😉

    Having been down the path of being on diets, to ditching the diet, from self-loathing (and needing approval from anyone and everyone), to self-love and needing only my own approval, I totally get it’s a process and that others may not be in the same place I am. I know what it’s like to have gotten something and then wanting to give it to everyone else, but we can’t. All we can do is “be the change”…model it. It’s easy to preach, but it’s not effective.

    So I keep three thoughts close by (in fact, I have them printed out and posted on my bulletin board): be “for” not “against, it’s not mine to fix, and practice, don’t preach.

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    • March 9, 2011 at 6:48 pm

      @ Karen, Ditto on Joy rocking! 🙂 I love your three thoughts. I’ve also been in so many different places in my life with dieting and body image. I’m sure someone could’ve preached to me years ago, but I don’t know if it would’ve truly “sunk” in. I needed to learn my own lessons and get to the place I am today on my own.

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  • March 9, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    As hard as is to learn a lesson “the hard way,” once learned, it feels like a victory. So who I am to take that away from someone else? Yeah, it’s hard to see loved ones struggling, but out of that struggle comes the victory of having learned…

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    • March 10, 2011 at 12:56 pm

      @ Karen, that’s such a great point! It does feel like a victory. It becomes this amazing “a-ha” moment.

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  • March 9, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    SO cool to see my thoughts/advice/ramblings over here today, Margarita! Thank you so much for sharing this and opening the discussion on a really important topic.

    And I loved reading these awesome comments, everyone! XOXO!

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    • March 10, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      @ Joy, my pleasure! Your words and advice resonated with sooo many of us. Thank you for that!

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  • March 10, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Wow–what FANTASTIC advice! I have been in this situation many times, and either feel petrified to speak my truth, or feel offended if someone doesn’t agree once I finally have the courage to open my mouth. Divorcing ourselves from the results, and concentrating on what we need to do for ourselves, is really key. Great post, Margarita, and wise words, Joy!

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  • March 10, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Diets make you crazy, foolish, and fat. Take it from a victim of every diet known, and some I cooked up in nightmares. You have to be okay with yourself before you embark on a change of this sort, or you will inevitably fail. Your advice is wise, and thank you for your insight.

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  • April 9, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Such a great post and topic, Margarita. I found it especially helpful since it feels like everyone around me is dieting or making comments about calories these days (even in my own house!)

    I loved the reminder that it’s my responsibility to just look at myself and not worry about everyone else. Trying to change people gets one nowhere and is frustrating in the process.

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    • April 11, 2011 at 11:43 am

      @ Joy, thank you! It’s a topic I have a tough time with, too, because, like I said earlier, I just want to shout from the rooftops about dieting, counting calories and how that doesn’t work. And sometimes I may say that because people aren’t familiar with some of the facts (I know I wasn’t). But it’s definitely up to the person, and we have to remember that.

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