20 thoughts on “The Secret Life of Masturbating Women

  • September 25, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Yummilicious article! The prob with vibes is, overuse can desensitize the clit, and using fingers after vibes can take a little longer to achieve orgasm. I suggy, as another woman once suggy’ed to me, throw out the vibes, learn to use fingers or the little ‘finger’ toys we find at sex toy shops. It will help the clit stay “sensitive”. It may take a couple of months to retrieve the sensitivity we once had, but it is well worth it! The more sensitive, the better. πŸ˜‰

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  • September 26, 2010 at 11:09 am

    This does not seem to promote a good relationship with your spouse.

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  • September 26, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    Oh okay, “Hmm”, so sexual activities has be 100% with another person, 100% of the time. So masturbation is forbidden in all marriages. Care to back that up with evidences or studies done that masturbation causes divorces?

    Masturbation is NOT forbidden in marriage. Get over it, Hmm. I do not see masturbation as a deterrent to a great r’ship. Masturbation can release endorphins that actually relaxes the person and perhaps cause the person to invite their spouse to join the fun. Endorphins can also help open the person’s sexual inhibitions.

    Masturbation need not be a deterrent to having a great r’ship —sexual and otherwise— in their marriage. It is only so when one person SEES it that way, which apparently, for you, masturbation IS a deterrent. I suggust you try to masturbate a few times. πŸ™‚

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  • September 26, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Dear Hmm,

    My husband bought me my pleasure machine as a private gift for Mother’s Day – along with a few other toys of his choice.
    We have been married for 25 years and have a very good relationship.
    We visit those shops with the dark windows together now.
    We also play with our toys behind closed doors together as well as separately.
    Nikki Bluue, I will have to check out those “finger toys.”

    Regards Sonia

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  • September 26, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Why not? I know my partner likes to masterbate and sometimes she likes me to help and sometimes not. Sometimes being on your own is a different indulgence and gives something else from being with a partner.

    Our sexuality is part of all of us and why not explore it and enjoy it.

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  • September 27, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Nikki – I’m not sure why you were so aggressive toward me with your response. I am a pretty open-minded and accepting person.

    Anyway, I am not against masturbation. I have tried it and I liked it. I think indulging in it too much could be damaging to a marriage. The part that concerns me the most is “Anything less than that and you may as well have sex with your husband.” Like having sex with your husband is of lesser value or second rate or something inferior. (I guess, in some cases, this is probably true.) And why hide it from your spouse? If a person really shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed for doing it why should it be a secret? Maybe I am reading something into this that isn’t really there.
    Respectfully,
    hmm

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  • September 29, 2010 at 10:02 am

    What a pity that you can’t write about masturbating without including a few snide, anti-male comments. Or do you think that prejudice is acceptable if you try to pass it off as humour?

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  • September 29, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Nice article! Just a heads-up: Depending on where you live, there are some great, women-friendly, women-owned sex shops out there. I’d recommend supporting them instead of the dark-windows variety – the employees are friendly and sex-positive, the places are brightly lit and clean/welcoming. Some shops even have little employee’review’ cards, akin to getting a bookseller’s review of a new novel, and others offer classes and discussion groups on intimacy, safe sex, even kissing. Buying your first toy can feel scary, minimize the drama by going to a place that makes you feel comfortable and safe.

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  • September 29, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Dear hmm,

    I think there’s a difference between ‘hiding’ it and being discreet. My partner knows I own a vibrator, he’s seen it, he can probably infer I actually use.
    But do I leave it lying around openly or go tell him what I was up to every time? No. Does he do that when he’s been masturbating? No. Does that mean we are lying to one another? No.
    Keeping things discreet or actually feeling what you’re doing is a bit of a guilty pleasure can actually be a good thing. Frankly, I don’t want to know when, how and why my partner masturbates – unless he feels he wants me to know.
    And that is all I understood this whimsical and oh-so-true article to mean.

    On another note: Masturbation actually can be better than having sex with another person … why not admit it? Not all sex is great, every time, all the time. Sometimes I need something great, and some physical release. And other times I need something so-so with another human being to whom I feel close. The objectives for engaging in masturbation and sex, respectively, are different, so there’s really no comparing the two.

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  • September 29, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Dear Peter Forster,

    Using a vibrator has nothing to do with being anti-male. It is about self-empowerment for women and learning about their body and what turns them on. The orgasm is completely different and far more intense.

    If you had the choice between a gorgeous super-model or your left hand, which would you choose?

    Does having a secret wank in the shower mean you are anti-women?

    It might be an idea for you to read and understand The Secret Garden by Nancy Friday.

    Sonia
    Therapy Unplugged

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  • September 29, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    This is the bravest, most interesting blog post I’ve read in a long time! Thanks for talking so openly about what every woman does. Just one thing…..let’s not assume that all women are sleeping with men. Some of us have other tastes πŸ™‚

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  • September 29, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    If more women took responsibility for their sexual pleasure, there would be more satisfied husbands as well!If we are uneducated about our bodies and how to please ourselves, HOW can we expect our partner to know? I promise, you won’t go blind or grow hair on your hands!

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  • September 30, 2010 at 9:04 am

    Hannah,
    I have struggled with the guilt/shame that goes along with masturbation. I appreciate your input.

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  • September 30, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Dear Hmm,

    I felt so sad when I read your comment. No-one should feel any shame or guilt about masturbation. Although if you are of a certain age and come from a religious background, you may have had it drummed into you that it is a sin.
    It is not. It is a way of discovering your body which belongs to you and no-one else. I have attached the link to the book, The Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. I am reading it, my therapist gave me her copy πŸ™‚

    http://www.amazon.com/My-Secret-Garden-Womens-Fantasies/dp/0671019872

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  • September 30, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    communication, verbal and non, is key to all relationships…

    i never stop loving her,
    and she never stops loving me…
    the only thing that changes,
    is the sweet intensity…

    toy or no, satisfaction is a warm fuzzy…

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  • October 3, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Thanks Sonia, I have added your link to my favorites. I might check the book out after I get done with the other two my therapist has lined up. This topic (not necessarily just masturbation) is on my list of things to deal with eventually. A few other things have higher priority for now, but it’s good for me to start thinking about it.

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  • October 5, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    Excellent article! I have personally helped a few women in my life at least be more open about masturbation and it has done nothing but good things for my sex life!

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  • May 19, 2011 at 3:13 am

    Awesome article. Well said. Go girls. And just to spice it up even more. Bringing out the equipment whilst hubby is right there beside you, can lead to some rather interesting things. Say no more. Good to see this stuff being discussed openly.

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  • January 16, 2013 at 10:17 pm

    Several reasons have been suggested to account for the lower percentage of women (vs. men) who have ever masturbated. Women are considered “good” when they adhere to their traditional sex role: to be sexually passive, naive, and dependent — basically, to be nonsexual. Sexually experienced and independent women are frequently seen as threatening and “loose.”

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