33 thoughts on “Unrequited Transference – Eight Ways to Know You are in Love with your Therapist

  • September 27, 2009 at 1:57 am

    You are certainly writing about all of the big stuff with me this week! I’m #6 and #8.

    My being “in love” was always just more about my loving him. I don’t think so much erotic transference, but more of my perfect love type of thing. The feelings have never been about sex, but all about this pure and sweet, giving kind of love. I never needed or wanted anything back but his trust and acceptance. It’s non-demanding, non-envious and very pretty. That’s why I like this part of me so much. And that’s likely why I’m so sensitive about my feelings too.

    I told him about it and he was gentle and accepting, as always. It has been a healing, though very painful at times, experience for me.

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  • September 27, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    I love this article! Funny yet so true!

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  • September 30, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    thanks for this article. It was funny and made a lot of sense. My therapist loves me. She would never breach the safety boundaries though. I really can’t imagine any therapist having erotic counter transference. It is interesting to know that it happens though.

    I read the books that my therapist gives me. They are “smart” books about therapy sometimes hard to understand but very interesting. I have also lent a dvd about therapy (fiction) to my therapist. She must have loved it so much, she never gave it back. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  • October 14, 2009 at 9:14 pm

    I love everything you write, Sonia. I’m especially grateful when you put words to experiences some therapists are not taught to handle.

    I’m not saying they are told not to discuss — I’m saying they came from an environment which didn’t emphasize some important topics.

    Your urge to merge paragraph is a thing of beauty. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for how easy that is to re-convey. When I used those words they came out stumbling, embarrassed, and not loudly enough to break through the therapist’s fears. And I have a good therapist. Really.

    In my experience, even the best therapists often don’t have their heads or therapeutic skills wrapped the big three: love, death and money.

    Just because these are the stuff of life itself doesn’t mean anyone helped them deal with these topics themselves.

    These are a Woody Allen movie. These are a Greek play. There is nothing more important than the combination of these three. There is nothing therapists run from more, from what I see. Maybe it’s where I live. We don’t have any Phenomenological/Existential specialists that I’ve ever met.

    Of these lacks, I find it easier to accept the fear of death, and discomfort about money. I’m really very frustrated at how hard it is to have a conversation about the love/crush/urge to merge thing.

    The problem starts with what we call it. “Transference” is one of the stupidest words ever used. What a house of cards upon which to base the definition of a relationship.

    A therapeutic relationship might be approximate. It might be absurdly close and distant at the same time. It is not, however, different than any other relationship when it comes to transference.

    We employ no more transference with therapists than with anyone else in our lives. Our ability to carve out a reality from the endless input stream called our “senses” is not better or worse with therapists than with anyone else. Do I project my relationship with my parents onto my therapist? If yes, I probably project those needs and fears onto everyone else, as well.

    Transference is really another word for “projection.” When used in this way, it’s can be a valid a description of the situation.

    It is OK to define a judgment as projection. It is then appropriate to deconstruct the projection to align one’s thoughts closer to an agreement on objective reality.

    “Transference” is just a word to distance the therapist from what’s frightening about the client. It’s a way to say, “You’re not having that experience; that experience is not real; that experience is an expression of infantile needs.” And the especially infuriating one Lorraine Braco’s character used on Sopranos: “You don’t really know me.”

    You know what I know? I know a person who puts up with my shit, without getting offended, until I calm down enough to relate in a mature way. I know someone who didn’t react by making my turmoil worse because her needs weren’t met. I know that so few emotional needs in my life are met right now that I’m prone to over-respond to any whiff of help that smells like love.

    I fall in love with anyone who kindly, gently helps me. Take that same experience outside the boundaries and I’d fall still fall in love. This is not me as an infant. This is not me not knowing therapist. I am an adult. The therapist is someone whom I know as good, helping and intelligent. In many, many ways I know the therapist better than I know my husband. And maybe most important, she definitely knows me better than he does.

    These are today’s needs being met. My needs are real. My knowledge of scores of my therapist’s personal qualities is real.

    This is one adult meeting several needs of another adult. This is me enjoying the company of another person. This is me feeling wanted.

    In the “real world” outside of the boundaries, we have a word for such a profound enjoyment of another’s company. We don’t call that “transference.” We call it “love.”

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    • April 22, 2012 at 8:16 am

      “Transference” is just a word to distance the therapist from what’s frightening about the client.

      And the especially infuriating one Lorraine Braco’s character used on Sopranos: “You don’t really know me.”

      Thank you psychreader for hitting the nail on the head. I edged towards telling my therapist how i felt about him and i pretty much got this, although he didn’t refer to it as my infantile needs. He didn’t make me feel bad about myself at all, but i could tell he was a bit concerned and i feel very uneasy raising the issue with him directly again.

      Unfortunately, my feelings have really intensified recently to the point where i dread going to sessions, but also dread the day therapy ends. I’ve tried to imagine what it will be like to have a final session and it’s deeply upsetting. I really don’t think i could handle it, but also think it would be a slap in the face to him if i just disappeared, because i’ve come to realise that in a professional sense he really does have my interests at heart. Ironically i went into therapy to sort my head out over a massive heartbreak and at times feel i’ve just replaced one for another! The last time i went to his office he was (without breaking any boundaries) so kind to me and i was deeply touched, but that just made things worse. I cried for the rest of the evening afterwards and on and off the whole of the next day. It all sounds rather dramatic, but it feels 100% real. I’m trying to be positive and see him as a role model – someone who has many of the qualities i’d love to find in a man and also in myself. I think this is the only way to get unstuck and move forward.

      Reply
  • October 15, 2009 at 11:56 am

    I’ve always thought of it as love too. I used to be triggered by the word transference, but not anymore. It’s everywhere… in everything, in every relationship and often. I find it fascinating. Upon exploring my feelings for my therapist, I found a very clear picture of myself…my wants, needs, desires, motivations, what is meaningful to me…The feelings are, in essence, me and what I’m about. I think being in the safe environment of the therapy room did allow me to access these feelings more easily, but they are still very real. I adore him and always will.

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  • October 18, 2009 at 12:41 am

    I’m with you Beth. Either it’s all love or it’s all transference. Or it’s all a combination. Projection is not limited to therapy. Love is not limited to everything else.

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  • November 8, 2009 at 11:23 am

    I think your list works better when you and your T are both women, esp. the clothing part!

    Also, does not sound like your transference/love is unrequited. She cares for you when you don’t even care for yourself? That’s nice!

    Here’s unrequited transference: You don’t dare tell your T “I love you” because, just like if you say it to your parents, you know you won’t hear it back.

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  • March 16, 2010 at 2:33 am

    Psychreader,
    Finally, a “human” response to this topic. All feelings cannot be related back to ones childhood. I may have not have had the perfect chidhood, but I don’t know many who would say they had the Brady Bunch upbringing. I felt loved and I was nether neglected or abused, nor can I blame my mother for any bump in the road I’ve had in my life. I’m not presuming there are not those whose childhood has had a direct impact on their emotional state as an adult. I am not one of them.
    I began seeing my therapist just to talk about stress related issues in my life. I fell in love with him as a HUMAN BEING. This would have happened anywhere we would have met. Do you know how frustrating it is to feel this intensely about someone and know they feel the same way, but not be able to do a thing about it? I have read so many articles that dispute that REAL love is possible and that emotion is triggered by an unrelated, psych babble reason. Two people can actually LOVE and respect each other even when over shadowed by ethics and professionalism. The situation plainly, just sucks!! I just wish there was more acknowledgement in the psychiatic world that this is possible and not some “transference” issue. Two souls can connect, even if it is in this setting. That is just as frustrating as not being able to act on these feelings because of the circumstances.
    Thank you Psychreader for stating what not many, including the “experts” have the
    courage to admit.

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  • June 5, 2010 at 7:46 am

    I googled ‘dating your therapist’ because, after 18 months of therapy with my female therapist (I am a man), I am starting to feel a deep loving for her. So its moving to find this article and related comments. Do I tell her or not? If so, how do I do it. What do I want out of it?

    Although I am attracted to her physically, I dont have sexual fantasies about her (yet). I simply have never been so fully and openly met by any other human being before. When I have been at my most ugly she has met me with presence and compassion – there are times when I have seen tears in her eyes and she has taken a stand for me. When I have been angry (with her), whiny and snottery, I have seen a beautiful woman look right back at me (sometimes with tears in her own eyes) and offer me compassion and commitment. No one has ever been there for me like that before. I have kept her out for a while now and I don’t know if I can do it much more. But I dont want to become dependent and love struck for someone when in the ‘real world’ it can’t go anywhere. We are both married, kids etc… I also have a feeling that outwith the safely bounded therapy relationship, I might not actually like her enough!

    She is very clear on boundaries (at times painfully so) and yet, when we have touched on this subject she has said that this is difficult territory but she is willing to go there with me. She also asked me if I have a question for her. I dont know what that meant.

    She and I are in a working alliance where our work is to help me heal. I know that whenever I get even the smallest amount of compasssion and authentic kindness from others, I could fall in love. I do want to tell her openly and my fantasy is that she will say she loves me back and then we can get on and do the therapy work. But all I can see from this point on is the relationship changing for the worse.

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  • February 27, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Wow, searcher. My story exactly. I’ve had romantic feelings for my T for 2 out of the 3 years we’ve been working together. I’ve been married for over 25 years and she’s single – about my age. We’re working on childhood issues like sex abuse and violence – but I would characterize it more as “emotional neglect.” Today – at age 57 – if ANYONE shows me the least bit of attention or care I immediately “latch on” and want to never let them go. So, of course I’ve become romantically interested in my T. I imagine her with other men & get jealous – eventhough my logic tells me I’m “just a client” to her – her job – and that she has every right to a life. Plus the guilt of wondering what it says about me that I have these feelings for an other woman when I see my wife – who is quite wonderful by the way. I finally told her about my feelings for her at our last session. While it felt real – and somewhat liberating – immediately afterward due to how gentle she was in responding, I’m now mortified that I “let the cat outta the bag.” I see her in 2 days & I’m tempted to say to her – oh, never mind – just a bad day… But that would be a lie. She is firm in her boundaries with me too – and yes painfully so – but again logic says it’s appropriate. Don’t know where this is leading but I do know it’s the most painful experience I’ve ever had. Make sense?

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  • March 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Hi Lavalamp,

    I hope your next meeting went well. Quite a bit has happened in my terapy relationship. Im afraid that my loving feelings were misinterpreted as erotic interest (whatever that means) and my T got triggered. I have found this to be deeply shaming. I’ve been trying to hang in there but I am close to changing my T – I just cant handle the shame and rejection. My T has admitted that ‘she was a little reactive’ but it feels like somehting is broken and cant be fixed. I wish Ts were trained to handle this stuff. Good luck with you.

    Reply
  • March 17, 2011 at 10:48 am

    Well,

    It has been quite interesting reading this article and all of your posts. I know this is a very common occurrence in therapy and, believe me, I have done a lot of research on the topic but have found it quite taboo at least on the therapist side. The only help and information out there is of course the very appropriate and ethical answers to the questions we all ask.
    However, what do you do when the situation actually does go past the boundaries of the therapist office? Shocked? It does happen; I have been in therapy for more than two years. I began therapy to try and save my marriage, which was futile, and hence went from marriage counseling to divorce counseling very quickly. I developed an amazingly strong bond with my T as most do, but the more we saw each other the more we connected. Same interest, beliefs, both divorced, young children….etc. We talked on the phone outside of session. I eventually confessed my feelings to him and of course was meet with the kindness and gentleness he always showed me. He explained the whole “transference” theory to me and kept his professional boundaries and I very much respected him for that.
    As my therapy continued those feelings only became more intense, months passed and at this point it was becoming more and more difficult for me as the feelings were so intense they were hard and sometimes painful for me to deal with. We discussed them again and this time, although he answered with all the “appropriate” answers, there was something different. Quite spontaneously and by his choice, our relationship became physical. At first just kissing and hugging. He told me he was having boundary issues with me and felt the same intense feelings. I never wanted to put him in this place or push him to violate his ethics, so I let every advance come from him as he felt comfortable. We of course, at his invitation, became sexual but the results thus far have been devastating. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but wanted it so badly. We had a very in depth conversation before, covering all the things that may happen. How we could never go back to patient/client, how was he going to feel ethically, I told him very honestly where I was emotionally. I did this to protect myself, these were the methods he had taught me to use. Look at the end at the beginning, evaluate the risks and we did and thought we were both comfortable with it. It has only been a few months, but he has pulled away and has tried to go back into “therapist” mode, which we knew we could never go back too. He has incredible guilt and has questioned his entire career, which is exactly what I was most fearful of. I was left to try and deal with this on my own. I still came to his office for sessions but they were awful and painful, I felt I just reminded him of the biggest mistake of his career. He was also having trouble seeing other clients after our sessions as they were too emotional.
    This is an awful situation to be in; there is no good solution for me. I can never see another therapist without exposing him and I have lost him as a therapist and a friend. He has been my sole support system through the most painful part of my life. I’m very confused, hurt and emotionally on life support. There are almost no resources available for me to try and deal with this situation.
    Our status now? We are meeting for lunch once a week and trying to figure out where we are, what to do, and make sense of things. We don’t talk about it much, mostly small talk and occasionally go there when I feel strong enough too. He tries and shares his feelings as well, but it is difficult for us both. I don’t know if I can ever trust someone again….I question everything, is he doing this because he really wants to try and heal us both or is it damage control?
    I thought it would be good for all of you to know my story. As intense as those feelings are, be extremely, extremely careful….as blissful as it may seem to have a relationship with your therapist, the results can be devastating. I have learned the one relationship with him I miss the most is the intense emotional bond, not the sexual relationship. We are trying to work through it but there is no good outcome. When you argue with reality, you will lose every time.
    Any advice would be appreciated….Thanks for reading.

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  • May 6, 2011 at 4:49 am

    I can completely relate to this article.

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    • July 28, 2012 at 10:21 am

      Hi, What happened Misty? I have been seeing my therapist for a short time, and over the last few weeks, I have had alot of stronge feelings towards him. I looked up, what this was about. And read about transfrence. I told my therapist last week on the phone, how I felt, I am to see him on Monday, and now feel so embarrased and don’t know how I can look him in the eye!

      Reply
  • May 24, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    Misty, can you elobrate on your story?

    Reply
  • August 27, 2011 at 12:53 am

    Thank you for sharing your story, horselvr. It sounds like a very painful place to be, and it helps me to put my own feelings into a better context. I hope you’re able to move on, little by little.

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  • October 5, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    I read all the histories with great sympathy and I need to tell my experience although it is very difficult because English is not my native language and I hope you can understand me. I have been in psychoanalysis for 5 years. The first 2 were really hard because I deeply fell in love with him and all I could do was express my feelings in words. Fortunately, he handled it all right. He related to me with all the respect and gentleness a therapist must have, knowing that my feelings were true, but also knowing, as a trained therapist, that I was not in love with his person. He was not naïve to believe that he is so irresistible that almost all clients fall in love with him. He was trained to understand that I was in love with what he represents to me (i.e. everything). In the same manner that it is not expected that a therapist think that his is a bad person because a patient is angry at him. Working about my feelings resulted in several insights about my life and how I deal with people that are important to me. Now I understand how important it is for the therapist to respect the boundaries (it is his job, not the client’s). I feel sorry for Horselvr and her “therapist”. My advice, look for true therapists, those ones who can handle with the all sorts of emotions that the clients can have toward them and to work on that. This is the real therapy.

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  • October 24, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Horselvr… “any advice appreciated”… i really hope this doesnt come over as harsh, it’s not my intent, but i think someone needs to be straight with you. He violated yr trust…we all make mistakes but you need to look after *you*, not him, and… you need another therapist. You dont need to expose him by name to the new therapist, but you cannot stop your healing in order to protect him from the consequences of his behaviour, it’s not your responsibility. In fact i feel quite cross with him for not telling you to seek another therapist, straight away. Run from this man. right now.

    Anyway…
    thank you so much for this article. After 7yrs and long before our work was finished, my therapist got made redundant last week and had to leave me.

    I am absolutely devastated. I feel like i have lost my world. My T is female but I feel like i have lost a *husband* (never been married but have lived with someone for 6yrs in the past & this feels the same).

    I was a little concerned, since yesterday i realised that I loved her. No erotic just love as you describe.
    I was instinctively concerned that that didnt seem healthy & yet felt confused because she was incredibly healthy herself, indeed her boundaries really p’ssed me off at times!

    So reading this has reassured me.
    All 10 ‘ways’ fit perfectly.

    I am still grieving, but I now suspect I am grieving losses from my childhood even deeper than losing her.

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  • November 20, 2011 at 12:49 am

    I stumbled on this site tonight and I finally don’t feel quite so alone – locked in my ‘love affair’ or transference with my psychiatrist of 5 years. I am diagnosed with soft bipolar disoder and major depression. I have felt in my heart that the right thing to do would be to find another therapist, but as one of the comments I read here states, it would be like asking an opthamologist to change my eye color. A major issue is that we live in the same town, have kids similar ages, and do on occasion run into each other. I frequently choose a more cicuitous route to my home so as to pass his home, and jog or walk my dog past his house or in parts of town I anticipate he will be at a given time (parks etc) So yes, to add to me feelings of self-loathing I am a stalker of sorts (though not in any way a dangerous one). I aired my feelings for him early in our relationship, and he admitted to counter-transferrance feelings towards me. He also stated that he could comparmentalize those feelings. I felt such shame and embarrassment for having and admitting to those feelings, that I swept them under the carpet, and although we alluded to them once or twice, we never really discussed them per se. At one point in our relationship, my feelings became very erotic, and in effort to ‘consummate a relationship that could never be’ I posted s very erotic entry on my blog (fake identity). Again, I was overwhelmed with shame and embaressment, particularly as I stupidly shared the blog with 2 friends. I withdrew from him for a period of time because I felt I was something of a thorn in his side and he in mine. When my illness spikes, I always wind up seeing him because the thought of finding a new therapist is appalling to me. At the beginning of the summer I was in such a bad state that i asked him for a hug and he aquiesced, then talked me down. Later in the summer, I felt I needed to see him, and he was unavailable. I felt jilted (he was actually on vacation) so withdrew again. This fall my symptoms worsened, so I went back and he seemed very pleased to see me, saying he thought I was done with him. At our next session he called me “snookums” and with an embarress laugh said ‘I just felt like calling you that’. I’m from UK and wasn’t familiar with the term so I asked him if it was a term of endesrment. He reponded that I am very dear to him and special. We had an awkward ‘to hug or not to hug’ moment which I side stepped, so he squeezed my shoulder as we stood up to leave. I have been in a tail-spin ever since and can think of little else. I want so much more and know how crazy an idea it would be to go down that path even if he were willing. We both are existing in out marriages, struggling with the pressures of raising 3 kids and balancing work schedules. We spend a lot of our sessions chatting and gossiping about our town, and it feels like we are friends more than anything. This situation is truly painful to me, but like a drug that I can’t get enough of.
    Thanks for letting me get all this off my chest – I’ve shared bits of it to friends but never the whole story. Please don’t tell me to get a new therapist – if I could I would have done so by now.

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  • November 30, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    I went through a horrible episode of transference with my T. a few years ago. Since I am a man I will no longer see any female T. I work with an older male T now and found it to be a more peaceful relationship.

    I saw a younger attractive female T a few years ago on the recommendation of a good friend who also saw her. I ended up doing both Individual and Group with her. The transference started when she announced she had gotten divorced and asked how I felt about it. I told her I was sad to hear about it and the pain she was in over it. She teared up and we had this very intimate moment. I asked her if it was real and she said “yes it was real.” I ended up telling her how I felt and we explored the transference in detail along with my fantasies. She thought it was erotic but I never felt that for her. It was more about being nurtured and wanting to be closer to her in life. I has had very negative feelings to and acted out angrily to her a few times which she said scared her.

    We eventually got a place where the feelings subsided and I felt progress was being made and she did too. Then the bombshell went off. My friend who recommended her, committed suicide in her office during a session. He was deeply depressed and in love with her. We still don’t know what triggered him to do it in her office. He wanted to kill her too but thankfully didn’t.
    She ended up firing me and kicking me out of the group with no closure. I was shocked and devastated. I lost my friend, my group and my therapist all in the span of 2 weeks. I understand that nothing in this was my fault, I was just collateral damage.

    I took me over a year to heal with a lot of grief counseling to be able to face her again and find out what why she dumped me. She told me she had PSTD and was terrified I would get angry with her about my friend once I knew more details about his therapy with her. She felt she couldn’t be effective with me anymore, that it would be too complicated and might trigger her.

    I was informed by his family that there was a lot of transference and countertransference in his relationship with the T. It’s all too sordid to describe. I’m not saying she violated boundaries, but there were some ethical issues around it. She did say I had a big influence on her and how she conducted therapy. she cut back her practice and was trying to limit the amount of transference in her practice. She had to work on her own transference issues as well, especially around anger. She also told me she was thinking about leaving the profession all together. (She eventually did and moved to Africa). She also said that I had to right to file a complaint against her because how she treated my termination. She felt horrible about it and that it contributed to her breakdown. She has also terminated her clients who had anger issues.

    I haven’t communicated with her since that call a couple of years ago and I don’t know we’ll ever talk again. I would like to communicate with her just for my own healing about our relationship. I realize that transference happens all the time, it just gets magnified immensely in certain kinds of therapy. I avoid the deep psychodynamic styles now.

    I learned some valuable things in my therapy with her but it wasn’t worth the pain I endured over the ending.

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  • December 4, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    I recently recognized transference after seeing my T for 3 months. I have not broached the subject with her, preferring to “savor” the experience. Is this a healthy thing to do? Is it possible she can recognize my feelings through my body language, i.e. eye contact, smiling, preening, etc? This is a totally new ball game for me, so I assume that if she does suspect my feelings towards her it remains unvocalized until I (the client)addresses it. Some sound advice would be gratefully accepted!

    Reply
  • December 7, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    I have certainly moved on with my life after my relationship with my therapist, but more recently have struggled with some serious PTSD issues because of him, the hurt and pain he caused me, etc. Its been almost 10 years since our relationship ended, but I’m questioning whether or not to report this therapist to the state of Massachusetts, as he certainly may continue to victimize his patients, as he did me. Any legal advise, statute of limitations, etc, for the state of Massachusetts would be appreciated.

    Reply
  • December 13, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    I am a femail therapist currently working with a male client. I have counter erotic-transference issues that I am talking over with my supervisor. I am reading these outpourings with great interest as I need to broach what is a difficult subject for both myself and the client. My feelings seem to coming from the fact that my client is attractive and is talking openly about his feelings. He has said nothing about his feelings for me except that I am inside his head outside the sessions. My voice guides him. This talking so deeply about feelings, I have realised, is not something that happens with my own husband and it sometimes makes me feel a fraud. (The Mask I Wear)I guess my client would think I had the perfect relationship where feelings are spoken about openly and discussed but this is not the case. Both my husband and myself can withdraw from crucial personal issues that require discussion. So…as much as I am helping the client grow, he is helping me see things that were in my subconscious; things I deny to myself. (perhaps he should be invoicing me!)

    I will NOT act on these feelings except to further my clients growth; to help him see how these mutually denied shared feelings are distracting us from concentrating on getting the therapy done.

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  • December 17, 2011 at 2:27 am

    Dogdays –

    I think it’s great you’re talking to your supervisor about your feelings. Talking with a supervisor or with your own therapist seems like the most appropriate place to deal with your counter-transference – not with your client.

    I think that broaching the subject with your client would only serve you needs, not his. His feelings for you aren’t “distracting from his therapy” – they are part and parcel of his therapy and it’s up to you to help him explore those feelings.

    I know that in my own therapy I was obsessed with my therapist and fortunately my therapist didn’t make a big deal about it. We didn’t talk about it much directly but eventually I was able to see how I was searching for that perfect love and who is more perfect than someone who listens to you intently and always responds compassionately? What I really ended up doing was grieving for the all the pain my child-self suffered and seeing how my adult-self suffered under the constant internal abuse I heaped on myself. Having a constant good example of how to treat myself better helped me heal wounds I though were permanent.

    Anyway, I think that if you want to bring up/explore his feelings more in therapy that would probably help him, but telling him about your feelings – even as denied feelings – would only exacerbate his fixation on you and really WOULD get in the way of his therapy.

    Anyway, good luck with this. This part is never easy.

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  • January 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you for the interest, ImADogLoverToo!

    I agree it would be wrong to discuss my feelings with the client unless, as was advised by my supervisor, it may be something I could refer to when talking about how he relates to women. I of course would deliver this in a ‘I experience you as a man who…’ manner.

    Reply
 

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