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When Borderlines and Narcissists Collide


When Borderlines and Narcissists clash, it makes When Worlds Collide look like two butterflies locking wings together in a mid-air prang. As someone diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder I had the misfortune to run up against a Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I would describe the experience like running full speed,

23 thoughts on “When Borderlines and Narcissists Collide

  • March 30, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    A very gracious post – particularly loved the photo!!

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  • March 30, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    hi,
    my mother was a narcissist, though if I had to guess I’d say she also has BPD. I’m being treated for the PTSD, and your story gives me hope. Why and how, I wonder, does she effectively charm every person in the public she comes into contact with and how she is so abusive after she gets to know them?
    I know I’m ranting a bit, but I would hope you would understand. She has few friends and wants none because she’s best. she takes every chance to fool you in, pull you in, then beat the hell out of you emotionally. my father told me the other day that this is not “true”, abuse.
    how did you do it? what did you use to not get pulled into defending yourself to this person? I’d love to know, as I might find it useful.
    thanks and sorry for the rant
    Ðeeða

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  • March 31, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    I find it interesting how you put yourself squarely out of the blame for anything bad that happened….borderline personality disorder is no picnic to live with either

    I know cause I used to be married to one

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  • March 31, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Dear Dawn, I have said that “I am not always right” and that I inflicted a narcissistic injury upon this person. What part of that is not taking responsibility for what happened? I made it vague so that if this person ever googled my name (I made it genderless for that reason) they would not be able to instigate legal action over my blog. I also do not fulfil any BPD criteria any more.

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  • March 31, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    Hi Deeda,
    I managed to do it by realizing I had made a mistake and taking responsibility for it and apologizing in a dignified manner. I stayed centred and reminded myself that it is ok to make a mistake and apologizing does not devalue who I am. I too have a family member who fulfils NPD criteria and over the years have learned (the very hard way) to live with this person and keep myself intact. Lots of therapy, reading books, practicing not reacting (very difficult) and not taking anything too personally. What someone says about you, is usually more about themselves. But essentially gaining resilience and liking who I am enough to stay in the present moment and not lose my cool when provoked.

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  • April 4, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I was taken aback by your “Karma is a bitch” comment. Having struggled yourself with emotional issues why would you wish this on someone who is clearly also dealing with similar issues? How would it have made you feel to hear that from someone when you were suffering? You should simply wish for this person to get the help they need to take care of themselves. Seems pretty immature and definitely lacking in compassion to me.

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    • April 4, 2012 at 7:08 pm

      Hi Sherrie, I have been thinking about your comment and I would find it most helpful if you could explain more about your comment. I am always intrigued by other people’s opinions and feelings and it encourages me to be more open minded and empathic. Sometimes when we get hurt by people we have to let the Universe unfold and if there is an unbalance there, then karma will balance it out.

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      • April 5, 2012 at 11:33 am

        “Karma is a bitch” and “Karma will balance the Universe” are two very different statements. “Karma is a bitch” sounds pretty vengeful. I understand that you have been hurt by this person’s actions (I have also been hurt similarly so I understand). As someone who admits to have experienced similar emotional disregulation, which you do clearly and insightfully attribute to your psychic pain, it would seem to me that you would recognize the suffering of this person and wish them to get the help they need. I’m not taking anything away from your feelings, I’m just saying that there seems to be a more mature, compassionate way to look at things, especially since you’ve been there yourself. You express your pain so well, it was surprising to end on such a vengeful sounding note.

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      • April 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

        Amen!

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  • April 4, 2012 at 10:54 am

    It has been proven that often children with NOD develop BPD. Well both my parents were narcissistic, and well I have BOD. Needless to say, the age old phenomenon you always pick the guy similar to your father! After one NPD to the next, I can now sniff them out like a blood hound – and now I would not touch them with a rope that wound around the galaxy, but I do push every little button that I know gets them going and belittles their “game”. “You know I hate it when people always talk about themselves, they sound like a tin can.” Or “Don’t you hate it when people wear designer clothes with the brands splashed all over, it’s like as if they are so clueless about fashion” then look at them, with their splashed brands and reel over with laughter. Well the NPD eventually falls into the worthless pile of dust it is.

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  • April 4, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I am borderline along with major depression and a few others. My daughter is Narcissist and we clash so bad. Everyday she comes home from work and has stories which i cant wait to here and all they are are stories about how wonderful she is that this person likes her she works for a animal shelter and how this dog is all about her i just want to scream. She is 40 y/o i have illnessess we live together she acts like she is my mom putting me down telling me what i can and can do i am 57 and am so beat down that i want to run away or just die. Now i see the clash i am so depressed she just makes me want to kill my self. so i guess i will have to figure out how to cope with this i just thank god when she is not here and stay away when she is here. What do u do when it is ur child an all ur family is dead why cant i be dead i hate living

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  • April 4, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Interesting! Explains a lot about interactions, or attempted interactions, with my former husband, arrogant and so full of himself!

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  • April 4, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    To Dawn: I say that the author of this post *did* take responsibility for her actions, and she was rather objective about the interaction with the person she describes (nice observing and describing). A person with BPD CAN overcome BPD traits, and it seems this was an instance where she was able to do so. I understand being bitter having been married to someone with BPD. My mother has BPD and NPD, so believe me, I can relate. However, there are those with BPD who admit to their condition and do the hard work to make significant changes. Shouldn’t we be encouraging someone who is doing that rather than tearing them down?

    To Sonia: Thank you for this post. It is evident that you have done a lot of work and introspection and that it has paid off. Although I no longer have contact with my mother (mentioned above), it is refreshing to see such an insightful post coming from someone diagnosed with BPD, and know that some people do get better.

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  • April 4, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I have type II bipolar disorder and I dated a Narcissist. I am still scarred emotionally from that and the fact that this person was always right. He thought he had a lot of friends but most people couldn’t stand to be around him because he was so self-righteous. I couldn’t see that when I was with him because he convinced me anyone who didn’t like him had self-confidence issues. He never was responsible for anything.
    I know being around me is not easy either, but I can relate to feeling worthless all the time because you can’t do anything right and you can’t say anything right.

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  • April 4, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    I love how you are so honest about your feelings & that realizing the core emotions is what has brought you ahead. It’s so easy to say, yeah, I’m feeling sad, or angry, or whatever, but to get to the actual visceral core, that’s progress for sure. I also love the picture, and great response to Deeda, above- thanks for explaining that.

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  • April 4, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Dear Sherrie, I deliberately made this post vague about the person and the sitatuation. This person is a public figure who delights in humiliating old ladies from his position of power. I’m talking about 80 year old ladies. I watched this person verbally decimate people who are responsible for paying this person’s wages. This person has no remorse and no empathy. This person is not struggling with emotional issues and believes they are always right and you are always wrong. I have no reason to feel any compassion for this person after what happened and happened to many others like me. This is not just about me this is about hundreds of other people who have been treated in an obnoxious manner.

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  • April 4, 2012 at 11:30 pm

    Loved, loved, loved the article! It would not have been nearly as effective without the last line. That was healthy anger, not at all the same as borderline anger. Congratulations on your recovery and your willingness to do the work necessary to get there!

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  • April 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

    What came to me out of this article was the word dogmatic. I’m 49 years old, Bi Polar, Thyroid Cancer Survivor, married with 4 daughters ranging from 22 to 12. My husband & daughters say to me all the time, “do you realize you hate everybody?”…. My response is, “if you don’t return a phone call, an email, any other type of communication that person becomes DEAD to me.”…It’s like I expect Perfection from everyone even though I can’t attain it myself. I look back to see when this all begun, I would say the day I started with Social Media 2 & half years ago. Writing was suppose to help me with my depression, but it’s done the opposite. I feel rejection EVERYDAY. Come now, everyone on Facebook can admit when you write something and NOBODY likes you words, your pictures, you feel rejected. I don’t post silly normal statues because that just ain’t me. I have to have to make a point most of the time. My post are funny but with an edge. I’ve never been one to talk about simple subjects as weather, gardening, cooking, sports, and normal family photos. Those subjects don’t interest me. I self published my memoir last year, before I realized nobody really reads anymore. Let’s just say the publishing world is BRUTAL, if you don’t have a “tough skin” which I pretend to have, I would say, “Stay Away From It”….Signing Off… Dogmatic Desiree Cart Dugas

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  • April 5, 2012 at 10:52 am

    This post is to be added to my previous post. What I was trying to say, but I never made my point was I FEEL, I’m Right and EVERYONE ELSE IS WRONG!… It’s like my Paranoid Thoughts Are True, if they are True to me, then they should be True for everyone else. That’s something to think about. Desiree Cart Dugas

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  • April 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Hi Sherrie,
    As Nanie said there is healthy anger and borderline anger. I am not some sort of all encompassing, all forgiving doormat who loves everyone because I am now healed and redeemed.

    I do not love my enemies any more than I did before. I simply learn how to deal with them without self destructing. I still get pissy with people (like everyone else does) but I don’t let my emotions show up or control me like they used to. There is a difference between wanting revenge and letting the universe take care of itself. I don’t want revenge, because I really don’t have an emotionally vested interest in this person but I do know that what goes round comes around. And that is the sweetest karma of them all.

    It depends what your version of karma is as well, for me the bitch of karma is that this person is unlikely to be voted into power next time an election comes round. Karma is not about wishing this person physical or emotional harm, it’s about justice for the little people. Karma is different for everyone.

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  • May 31, 2012 at 4:42 am

    Wow Sonia, you risk a LOT of bizarre criticism when you write a blog on a website like this – I was astonished at the negative, even condemning responses to your wonderful article. But hey, none of us are reading articles about BPD and Narcissism without having troubles with judgment and over-sensitivity. 😉

    From my point of view, this was a great article. I just came out of a situation with a narcissist and it was so easy to doubt myself and feel badly. I didn’t exactly handle it as maturely as you did, so your example in this case was inspiring to me. And I am also relying on the fact that KARMA’S A BITCH!! Yeah, people, I said it too – KARMA’S A BITCH!! hahahahaha!!

    Reply
  • May 31, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Hi Missy,
    You are right, I do get some bizarre criticism. But that is what this section is for. Comments from everyone’s perspective.

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