There’s a guy at the coffee shop I go to everyday, he’s there everyday and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t admire him.
He has a way about him that is completely unassuming.
He doesn’t seem to give a damn about anyone or anything else and he just sits there, writing in his journal.
His beard is long and he has this look in his eye like his seen everything you could possibly offer.
I want that way of acting.
I wish that I didn’t care about the intricacies of things like I do.
In talking to my friends about it they seem to think that I’m already pretty solid but only I know the lightning storm in my mind.
I wish tiny things didn’t affect me the way they do and maybe, coffee shop dude is just as good at hiding that stuff as I am.
The point is though, that whether or not he’s unconsciously freaking out just like I am, I want to be that way.
It may not even be realistic but I want that for myself.
I’ve lived with schizophrenia for ten years and the overarching facet of the whole thing was that I’ve been desperately concerned about what people think of me. Even at my most solid, If I hear laughter or I see people whispering my mind automatically goes to the highly unrealistic notion that they’re laughing or whispering about me.
Personally I know I’m not that important and why on earth would someone regard me like that?
Why on earth too, would I give them that power over me?
I just wish I was unaffected, unfazed by the anxieties I feel day in day out.
I realize that many of you feel the same way and I wish I could offer some advice on dealing with these nasty voices that tell you you’re not good enough or you’re not stable enough or you’re not smart enough.
We all have things we worry about and we all compare ourselves to other people whether we like it or not.
The thing I think we would all do well to remember is that no one is completely stable.
Everyone has stuff they deal with on a day to day basis.
Everyone has insecurities and failings that they have to grapple with so that voice that tells you you’re not good enough and that they’re better is not something you should listen to.
It’s bullcrap and there’s no one in this huge world that has a better handle on dealing with your issues than yourself.
You are the most qualified, the most equipped and you know that situation better than anyone else.
No amount of advice from teachers or mentors or family or friends can come close to your gut feeling about acting the way you know you should act.
We all have stuff to deal with, that point was made abundantly clear to me when I finally talked to the dude at the coffee shop.
Turns out he’s bipolar.