Over the last few weeks things have been changing, I fell fast in and out of a relationship, I quit smoking, I took up a hobby that I had been neglecting for a while and I’ve come to crossroads about sharing my personal life on the internet via essays.
It occurred to me that this weekly purge of things that have been on my mind in the form of a blog, though it has been a catharsis, is making me question my security and the things I put out there for everyone to read. I’m kind of a paranoid person and although it didn’t bother me at first to share myself like this the notion that anyone in the world could read this stuff is creeping up on me and it’s kind of scary.
Anyway, the point is that I came to that realization and there have been some pretty major changes in my life.
I’d like to say that I’ll keep writing about schizophrenia and mental illness ‘til the fat lady sings but I know I don’t want to do it forever. I want to try something new with my writing and I want to get more involved with photography.
It seems in all this that there’s one major point, that being that change comes for all of us.
Some people feel the catalyst and do something small like staying up a little later or eating more vegetables while others feel it and quit their jobs, sell all their things and head out on the road for indefinite road trips.
What I’m trying to say is that no matter who it is, everyone feels the weight of stagnancy and the desire for change at some point in their lives.
There are those though, that seem keyed into a certain routine and don’t seem to exhibit any desire for change and though it may seem like that from the outside I can guarantee you that inside they feel the itch. That said, it takes guts to stay put instead of changing in the midst of that itch and though they may not seem like much the small changes can ease the feeling.
The main thing is though that the itch is inevitable, and change is inevitable and though some people may not like it things have a way of changing over time. People have new experiences and towns and businesses go through transformations and money ebbs and flows and attitudes and opinions shift.
Sometimes we go with the flow and accept the change as it happens and sometimes we grasp hard to things which we know are fading.
The question is whether or not you’re open to change because no matter what, it will happen.
I’m reminded of former friends I’ve had that have grasped to relationships so hard that they made themselves sick trying to keep something going that wasn’t meant to be and I’ve been there too.
It’s hard to accept change, especially when you’re invested in the idea of things staying the same.
Sometimes we grasp on to people, sometimes we grasp on to feelings, sometimes jobs, sometimes ideas either way, the tides tend to shift and I think the most important thing someone can do is to be open to the fact that things always have a tendency to change.
There’s learning in change though and sometimes we’re taught lessons that we needed to be taught.
In essence, change will come and it’s best to be ok with that. For now I plan to keep writing to fulfill my contracts and build up my photography maybe to the point that I don’t have to rely on sharing my struggles with the world to pay rent.
It will take time but I want to change and that’s a good thing.