For the last few years I’ve been working really hard, maybe too hard. Everyday was a flurry of writing and when I wasn’t doing that I was pitching stories to editors at different magazines or working on my book or trying to find something, anything that would help supplement the small income I get from SSI.
I’ve had the dream for years of buying a house in the mountains but when I realized that wasn’t realistic with my current financial state I went a peg lower and wished for a nice apartment and still that wasn’t quite within reach.
I’ll spare you the details of the struggles of finding a suitable place with section 8 housing vouchers but the point was, what it always came down to was that I needed to make more money, somehow in order to find contentment.
I struggled with that notion for a long time and kept hitting the stress wall where, when I tried to take on more work, I couldn’t handle the stress of it as a person living with schizophrenia.
It was a catch 22, I couldn’t do the work I had to without causing problems with my head, but I also couldn’t get out of the assistance without doing the work. I was so frustrated with it that I just about broke.
It was then, at probably exactly the right time that a friend suggested I just let it go and notice what happens. This seemed so foreign to me that I couldn’t really wrap my head around it, but I knew that I was sick and tired of trying so hard, I was exasperated with hustling and I knew that if I wanted to remain stable in my mental health I would have to relax.
In our conversation there was also some stuff about the universe’s plan and that whatever happens is meant to happen and while I usually don’t subscribe to esoteric stuff, I figured it was at least worth a shot. Plus, I was tired and I didn’t really want to do any of it anymore. At that point it’s easy to give up.
Over the next two months I stopped hustling and stopped trying to get paid, instead focusing on the work I already had and doing that to the best of my ability. I kept my head down and did my work and kept quiet and I found that opportunities started to open little by little, writing jobs came to me instead of me seeking them out and I was much happier that I wasn’t hustling so hard and causing myself undue stress.
It was crazy.
I don’t know if the same thing could happen for anyone else but it was important that I take a step back and let go of trying. I needed to let go.
There are bible verses that say that God will provide and it could be that, it could be the universe or it could be happenstance, I don’t know, but when you step back and let things happen or come to you it’s not only freeing but also gives you a good basis for contentment and fulfillment.
There’s some serious power in being ok with where you stand and not trying to manipulate your way into something better or higher paying. Ambition, I think is something that comes from insecurity and accepting your place no matter where it is, frees you up from an immense amount of stress.
Having faith in things is also extremely helpful, just believing that you’ll get to where you need to be regardless and that life will provide seems to work wonders.
I realize it may be hard to let go and to trust in the natural order of things but it seems to have worked for this writer.
We’ll see what happens next.