I’m in this boat right now where I don’t even want to think about a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, all the things that come with love are great but for me, at this moment, I’m definitely ok without it.
I don’t know if this is a result of being rejected so many times by so many different girls but it might be.
Somewhere along the line though, something clicked in me and I realized that as a person with schizophrenia I have enough crazy in my life to begin with. Further, everyone has their own little quirks, their own insecurities and their own idiosyncrasies and right now I just don’t want to deal with another person’s load. It sounds selfish and it might be but for me to even think about a relationship I need to spend a good deal of time with someone over a long period to get familiar with their quirks.
There’s no way in hell I’d be able to date someone I just met without me freaking out and wondering what the other person is thinking.
Maybe it’s a result of my paranoia too, the thing that tells me that everyone is thinking evil stuff about me. Either way, I don’t want a relationship right now.
The thing of it is, that’s perfectly ok. It’s ok not to want another person in your life and it doesn’t make you weird if you’re thirty and still single.
So many people nowadays are putting off marriage anyway until they’re financially secure which may not happen until later in life. Essentially marriage has become the capstone of a good life, the cherry on top that tops everything off. In my parent’s generation people got married young and although there are benefits to that, wanting to make it independently is just as much a noble virtue as wanting to settle down.
Another thing is that I have a lot going on in my life right now, I’m writing a book and doing work for some big places and I can barely do that much without losing my mind a little so adding another person into the stressors that occur on a day-to-day doesn’t seem attractive to me at the moment.
Back to the idea of rejection, I think that has wrecked me a bit too. From now on I’m always going to be worried that the person I’m into will reject me and to put it lightly, that has put a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.
I’ve even gone so far as rejecting people myself because I had this weird notion that I was too messed up to love to begin with, therefore there must some nefarious reason they’re dating me. I would think, maybe they’re just doing it for laughs, maybe they’ll go back to their friends later on and make fun of the weird guy who they’re pretending to date. That very well could be the paranoia though.
I know that at some point I’m going to have to work to shut off those voices in my head but it’s going to take a long time and someone has to prove that they love me for me to think about reciprocating.
I’m working on being vulnerable though, I know that I have to be able to open up to people if I want a relationship to form but at this point I have to really really like someone for me to even think about taking that chance.
Like I said though, that’s perfectly ok. There are probably thousands of other people in the same boat so if you have insecurities like this, just know that you’re not alone.
It’s ok to be independent and many times being sure of, and loving who you are outside of a relationship is more important than the relationship itself.
If you don’t want a relationship, that’s perfectly fine.
You can count this writer as a kindred spirit.