For the last couple of months I’ve been caught up in a whirlwind of activity, I found an agent who was interested in my book and I took on a couple new writing jobs simply for the sake of earning money.
It all seemed to be going so well, aside from the fact that I was working myself ragged for these things.
The fact is I was neglecting my mental health. I’ll get into that later.
I was busy though and things were looking good. I was even jumping to possibilities that weren’t there yet, things like buying a house or at least finding a better apartment, buying a new car and all this stuff that would be possible if I got my book published.
This proceeded for a while, sending rewrites and revisions back and forth and never really getting quite what the agent wanted.
Finally, I got to a point, there was this dull burning in the back of my head. It’s like that feeling you get after you’ve been staring at your work computer for ten hours and your fuse is just burnt out.
I gave it one last attempt which I thought was really good and when he came back saying it still wasn’t quite right I knew I had had enough. A door had closed, through mutual understanding we decided it would be better if I found another agent.
For several days afterward I was just, tired, that’s the best way I can describe it, I just wanted to curl up in bed and forget about the world.
The point I want to make though, is that it’s ok when doors close. Sometimes they clear the way for some much needed rest and relaxation.
A short time later, after some introspection, I could see the flurry of activity I had taken on and it was almost a relief that I wasn’t stressing myself out about it. It was like looking at a whirlwind that I had just escaped from. Instead of being tossed around like a rag doll on the whim of some agent and editor I was standing comfortably in the warm sun with a great relief having been taken off my shoulders.
Schizophrenia is something you have to take care of, you have to be conscious that you’re not causing yourself undue stress because stress can take you down, it can fuel delusions and paranoia and everything else that comes with schizophrenia.
I hadn’t been paying attention to my mental health and it was starting to take a toll.
After the decision was made though, I felt like I could breathe. I hadn’t even noticed that I was causing myself problems but climbing out of the whirlwind made me realize that it’s much better for me to take it easy on myself.
Though it may be hard to accept your current circumstances over potentialities, it’s much better for you to remain in control of your mental health. I’ve been learning that from day one and I’m still learning it today.
I don’t know if I’m going to continue hustling with the book, I think I’ll take some time to relax, but not two days after the decision I got an article in the Washington Post so I guess it’s true when they say that when one door closes, another opens.
The challenge is being ok with the space in between.