57 thoughts on “Parental Alienation Syndrome

  • August 30, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    @April: my ex did the same. Took the kids (against court order), prevented me from any contact, filled them with lies about me being violent, abusive, etc..and at the the same time refused to grant me a divorce. I had to fight a contested battle that must have made the judge scratch her head: if I was as evil as my ex said, why wouldn’t she be happy with a divorce?
    Instead she tried to interfere in my post-separation relationship. Delayed my divorce to delay me from remarrying.
    I don’t have an explanation. Just saying I’ve experienced something strikingly similar.

    Reply
    • May 31, 2016 at 9:01 pm

      Thank you Michael…It sounds very similar, and it just isn’t right…I am going to go and try one more time to see her where she lives….she is 18 now, 13 when I lost her…they just always tell me she isn’t there. I hope things are better for you and your kids are in your life. Take Care!

      Reply
      • June 3, 2016 at 8:33 am

        If you do make progress, it would be great if you could share. Good luck to you.

        Reply
  • October 14, 2012 at 2:26 am

    I read the articles and i always knew that I wasnt alone, is there a blog or a group I can join, i need to talk to somebody about it , and figure out ways to deal with it persoanlly…My Ex has taking my daughter from me , I have not seen my daughter (now 8 months old) for almost 3 moths now, the sad part is , that her family are enabling her to do so.

    Reply
    • October 14, 2012 at 10:48 am

      @Abe
      Please explore links at the bottom of this post and also see the recommended reading.

      Reply
  • November 6, 2012 at 1:50 am

    It’s terrible here in Japan.
    My parents have never met my only Son Kai Endo.
    They came to see him and my sons mother cancelled. They send presents and they are returned.

    My family wants to have a relationship with my son. this tears my heart apart.How unfair for the alienating mother to keep the love of his grandparents and relatives from him.

    Shouldn’t children be loved and feel the joy from their relatives?

    We’ll not in Japan. After a divorce the Mother can make her own rules and the Father and child must obide by them. The Laws and courts side with the mother in JAPAN.

    I miss my son Kai. And will fight to get access to him.
    God bless,
    Tim Johnston Japan
    (father of:)
    Kai endo Japan

    Reply
  • November 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Looking for somewhere to share my story. It is too late for my daughter, her children have already been alienated from her, I just want others to see the types of things that are insidious and not so obvious that contribute to this horrible action. If there is somewhere to “share” the story, please let me know

    Reply
    • November 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

      @broken hearted
      Please, check out the links and see if you can join a group online. Grandparents also suffer terribly, too.

      Reply
    • November 8, 2012 at 12:16 pm

      I am also looking for a place so I may share my stories….It is to bad that this happens to our children….One of my stories, going to my daughters Baptism, I was invited by the mother (last minute) must have been a temporary change of heart. So i go along with my sister who is suppose to be one of the God mothers ( I had to get permission), we got there and went through the whole baptism. Afterwards at the reception. I was talking to some people. NO ONE KNEW I WAS THE FATHER, my sister was talking to the mothers aunt, her aunt didnt know i even excisted.
      Things are back to the same, I have not seen my daughter since July 10, her 1st birthday is November 21, 2012. I havnt heard anything. No one in my family has heard anything, my daughter suffers from brain irregularaties. do not even know how she is doing. I am sure by now she is calling someone else “daddy”….The sad part of this whole thing is that her family back her 100%, they help her hide my daughter from me

      Reply
      • November 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

        @Abe
        This is a very heartbreaking story. Please know you are not alone–many sad parents live with this reality. The damage the mother is doing to your and her child is tremendous. Please (Abe and Broken Hearted) follow the links and read the books in all the Parental Alienation posts–perhaps they will be helpful to you? And let me know what you find–we’ll do a follow-up post when we get the chance.
        Richard

        Reply
  • March 26, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    I am an alienated Mom. My kids father & his wife have been poisoning my 2 children for the past 13 years. Visible signs showed themselves when the kids were little, when my kids, then in 1st and 2nd grade, came to me and informed me their daddy didn’t like it when I came to their school in the mornings to give them a hug & kiss before school each morning when it was “his time”. I could only nod my head in bewilderment and wonder what kind of parent would A) have a complaint such as this? and B) share this complaint with their little 6 & 7 year-olds? Things just got worse from there. Years later after many frustrating episodes with no explaination a friend advised I look up PAS on the internet. When I looked up PAS years ago, there was enough data online to start to make sense of it. I’m so glad to see now theres even more listed on this horrific trauma. My kids just moved out permanently from my house this weekend after yet another episode brought on by their father and his wife. It never stops. The heartache doesn’t quit. Watching my kids being ripped away from their Mother yet again is heartbreaking beyond belief. I know they’ll be back. I realize there will come a day when they will learn what’s been done to them. They know my door and my heart is always open to them. I love them dearly and always will. I will always only embrace them. I will never blame them, I don’t think any “targeted parent” ever could. The bonds are never truly broken. However, I fear that the spirits of my children will always be effected by this tragedy. I will always be here when they chose to come back and I will always do whatever I possibly can to begin the healing process inside their hearts. This has been going on since divorcing their father, when they were 3 & 5. Now they are 16 and 18 when their lives are about to begin I can only hope they go off into the world and make happy lives for themselves in spite of the visciously damaging foundation of lies & betrayal they’ve been raised on. My sweet Morgan and Collin, I love you more than you could know. I will always be here. You’ve been through so much. Love, Mom.

    Reply
  • March 26, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    I am the alienated Mom who posted just above. I have burning questions about what to “do” in order to show the kids what has been happening. After 13 years of this, they moved out of my life completely this weekend. They did so merely because I yet again put my foot down and said a kind and calm, “No, Thank you” to their expectation that I’d drive them back to their dad’s to attend his dinner invitation during our weekend together; yet another constant and successful endeavor on his part to disrupt their brief court-appointed visitation time with their Mom. I’ve watched my son & daughter be raised in this toxicity since they were 3 and 5 years old. He remarried and both he and his wife set out the outrageously painful denial of a normal, respecting & loving relationship with me as their their Mother. They now call their stepmother “Mom” and have repeatedly told me she’s a much better mother than I ever was. I love my kids dearly, deeply and with all my heart and soul. The results of their upbringing are horrific and still on-going. No matter how calm I attempted to remain, sending their dad “Love & Forgiveness” the tensions between us raised to highly toxic when I finally decided to take him family court after finally reading about PAS online years ago. His & his wife’s volatility towards me became became highly toxic towards me, they coached the kids to lie in court, they broke all the rules by discussing court and adult matters with the kids, they continued to disrupt visitation with me, had them screaming professions of hatred to me. During the highly tense time in court, the courts and all the experts took his side as they listened to his lies. I lost majority time with my kids in 2008. At the same time the escalation of the kids hatred of me reached an alltime high, my dear daughter contracted Type 1 diabetes (now insulin dependendant 3x per day for the rest of her life) Her diabetes is DIRECTLY link to the bitterness in all the abuse, she was caught in the crossfire and all the stress and tension. It broke my heart. For years I have made attempts from every angle to reason with their father to stop sending messages through the kids of his dissastisfaction towards me. A 5-minute coffee I would plead with him. Give me your feedback for five minutes over coffee, just communication with me like two peaceful adults. Instead it turned into 2 years of battling in court, pain and diabetes for my daughter. In 2011 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As a young woman with no history of breast cancer in my family, without a doubt this was a condition which manifested in my body due to the heartbreak and pain I have suffered. The breasts of a woman are a direct connection to her heart. Thus the cancer. I’m fine now and completely committed to honoring my healthy body and wanting to remain calm and peaceful to maintain my health and to manage as high of levels of peace as possible for my daughter in her condition. HOWEVER how can I not react when the kids father continue his efforts to fire me completely out of the kids lives? How? My daughter is off to college in the fall. I desperately want her to be in a place of peace and independence as she goes off into the world. I want her to be free of worry and concern in the world, this is highly imperative to her health. I want them to see what has happened to them so they can begin their healing process. I don’t know what to do. After losing custodial time in 2008 I went deep into a place of silent peace and grace and forgiveness of their father and it worked, the kids came back to me, they started reaching back out to me. We started to become closer, it was golden. Then their father sensed this and he started his old tactics in spite of court orders.

    In spite of all the peace I’ve come to knowing anything but peace has the potential of causing serious physical harm such as diabetes & cancer, I can’t help but react (even if slightly) and the kids see this, which triggers a whole new series of dismantling the love between us. The disrespt, denial of time with me…. it goes on and on and in the end it is tearing my heart to pieces to watch how this is hurting them to hurt me.

    My burning questions: I want to educate the kids on what has been happening. Now my daughter is an adult, she can begin to make her own choices and my son is nearly there at nearly 17. What do to???? I want to send thew kids links to the PAS sites & videos of adult children who were victims of PAS. I want them to see for themselves how they’ve been twisted into believing they’d rather be with their dad and his wife, who they now call “Mom”. I don’t badmouth their dad, I never have. Especially after all of the years of him badmouthing me. Yet I cannot HELP but to react no matter how hard I try to remain calm each time he causes interruptions in the kid’s time to be with their Mom. I can’t help it. I can’t hide the pain and dismay. And when I do it just seems to set off a raging wildfire, especially in my daughter and then she won’t talk to me. I have gently offered information to the kids that one day they will see the real story. I want the healing to begin. I have told them about the things I’ve learned in books I’ve read on Narcissism and how familiar the patterns and symptoms are of narcissism. I’ve used my own stories of my patterns of attracting narcissistic friends & romantic relationships into my life. I’ve relayed to them I myself am a child of a narcissist, and according to the books the more awareness the better when it comes to overcoming the patterns of accepting the abuse of a narcissist. It is my biggest wish they see these patterns so they don’t become narcissistic themselves. Their father is a narcissist to sociopathic degrees, according to the atrocities he & his wife have consciously acted through in order to further their efforts to alienate my kids from me. I want the kids to know this is not “normal” behavior of normal loving parents. I want them to know that manipulation, denigration, denial and disrespect are NOT NORMAL behaviors and that it’s not okay to treat me this way. I want to relay to them I understand completely why they do treat me in such a way because they’ve been taught its okay to by their father and their stepmother. I want them to know I’ll never blame them for the way they treat me, it’s not their fault. They’ve been conditioned to do so since they were very little kids by their father and his wife. So this is all they know. I don’t want my kids to go off into the world and believe its okay to be treated the way I’ve been treated inside of a relationship or God forbid treat another person in such a way. I don’t want them to attract a mate with similar patterns of narcissism, marry them, have children and then have their children turned against them or more possibly turn their children against the other parent as they’ve been so deeply taught by their dad and his wife. Is this badmouthing? I don’t want to ever do anything to detriment what little fragments of relationship that may remain with my children. However I also don’t want to remain passive. It’s my deepest belief that do remain passive, to submit to the abuse is sending a louder message to them that it’s okay for them to abuse their Mom, and it’s okay for their Dad and his wife to continue to abuse their Mom.

    What do do in this given moment???

    As they slip away….. I love you Morgan and Collin so much. So much.

    Reply
    • January 14, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      Hello Jackie. I’ve been dealing with an ex husband who was highly abusive during the marriage, and then took the abuse to a whole new level immediately after I left him saying our sixteen year old son was now ‘his therapist’. He proceeded to remarry another woman who’s family had money, just like mine, and to strip me of income. He only paid two years of mandated child support and alimony, and then lied to get out of paying support, all the while buying Jaguars for he and his new wife. My car was getting repossessed at the time. Now it is 19 years later and I have no car. I have suffered from daily migraines for over 30 years, but he only used this against me, saying I was ‘crazy’ because I had migraines. He wrote letters to the court for our oldest son to sign saying I never saw him, and thus he shouldn’t have to pay child support. This eldest child would sneak over to my house, saying, “Don’t tell dad I came here to see you.” The court took my child support payment away and my incompetant lawyers did not fight. The courts and therapists believed just about every lie he told them. And he has not stopped hurting the children to hurt me in 19 years, and there are four children. He used his money to buy them cars, apartments, and invest in their business. This eldest son does not talk to me for usually 3 years at a time. My eldest daughter decided not to be manipulated by her father, but now she is viewed as ‘the enemy’ like me. I’ve thought of writing a book about this, perhaps as fiction, perhaps as truth, and fantasizing that my brainwashed children would see themselves. However, this is a fantasy. I have decided I need to get intensive therapy to release myself from the feelings of worthlessness. I understand your need to have your children ‘get it’ about the other parent, but my alienated children are in their 30’s and defend their abusive father like he was angel with a halo. I write this so that you can learn to be strong, to not blame yourself and drown in guilt and worthlessness, such as I have for so long. It has lead me to the depths of despair. My heart is with you. I know the heart ache, and as one person put it so aptly along the way said, “Your ex husband ripped your child right from your womb.” I think after 19 years of continual abuse and alienation its time for the ‘oxygen mask’ approach, like when you fly on a plane and they say first the mom puts on the mask, and then you put it on the child’. First get strong yourself, understand you are not alone. My alienated children have said the most horrific things to me, and I have responded with love. Forgiving yourself for not being able to protect your children from an abusive parent is an important step along the way. Even though I tell myself these things I know I need professional help, and the experience of a therapist who has dealt with this. I hope the same for you, it is a long road, but you are worth it, just like me.

      Reply
  • February 1, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Please help!!!!!!

    1. I am the mother of a 13 year old.
    2. I raised my daughter alone for ten years.
    3. I filed a TRO which was denied.
    4. My ex-husband filed for sole custody.
    5. The judge in Family Court gave my ex-husband everything he asked for.
    6. I am not allowed any contact with my daughter.
    7. I have not had contact for three years.
    8. My ex-husband, will not allow me to have contact with my daughter!

    Thanks,

    Heather

    Reply
    • February 2, 2014 at 10:38 am

      Dear Readers,
      We appreciate your comments. Please note that if your comments contain names other than your own, we will delete the names as a matter of policy.
      Thanks.

      Reply
  • October 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    I wish I would have known about this sooner. This has devastated my husband. It never made sense to me why his kids acted the way they did, and why his own aunt would be helping them. They turned his daughters completely against him & his parents. HIS own aunt went with them to the courthouse to change the daughters last name to the stepfather’s name.

    Reply
  • December 15, 2014 at 1:20 am

    While it’s terrible to have an “alienating” parent (I had one), I also know that this statement is outrageous and dangerous in the practice of therapy: “Remember, though, the alienating parent is incapable of loving and caring for his/her children and will never put their needs first. Once the children find out how they’ve been manipulated and lied to, they will not only be struggling with the loss of their relationship with you, but will have to do a lot of inner work to accept that it was the parent who was supposed to protect and love them, who shattered their lives.” My life was not shattered, even though it was affected. I’d say that if you want to put a clinical diagnosis on parents of divorce, then 100 per cent would qualify as being ‘afflicted” with your diagnosis of an “alienating parent.” What if the so called target parent is abusive and a deadbeat, and maltreats a child? This is a great example of how therapy can do more harm than good.

    Reply
  • March 14, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    I think it’s irresponsible to write an article about parental alienation syndrome and never even mention that some parents have good reason not to want their child to have contact with the other parent. I’ve heard so many horror stories of children making allegations of parental abuse to the other parent (not being coached or encouraged, the child brought it up of their own accord) and when the parent brings it to the attention of the court, they get painted out as an alienating parent and the abuser continues to have access or even gets *more* access. Abusive parents get divorced too, and sometimes the child only feels safe enough to talk about abuse once the parents have split up. If they are going to tell someone, most kids will tell the other parent, because that’s the person they most trust. So if a parent says a child alleged abuse by their ex, it might be true!

    Reply
  • April 30, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    My younger siblings were born in Canada. After I was put into an institution for emotionality disturbed kids my mother kidnapped them. She took them to Germany yet to this day she blames me for the breakup of our family. I was elevenish when admitted to Browndale. Nobody else seems to see the ludicrousness of laying the blame on a child who does not even to this day have a criminal record. I was left behind with a bitter father who started a new family in Canada and also blamed me for the failure of ours.

    My siblings were born in Canada yet mother never taught them the language of their birth country. I have a most difficult time communicating with my sister via messenger translation. The translations are not exact in meaning. I am doing my best trying to convince my sister to pay me a visit but it seems too many years have passed for either one of us to accomplish such a feat. Yet the joy of finally communicating with my sister is beyond compare.

    My brother died from cancer last year just after turning 50. He was the golden child and I discovered that my mother also told my sister in Germany, as she told me by phone in English, that she wishes it was us who had died instead.

    After my brother’s death I got my first Facebook comment via messenger stating “you were right”. You see over the years I kept sending articles like this one, from German websites or translated, to my sister to get the idea into her head that I am not the demon who broke up our family.

    Apparently after my brother’s death my mother moved into my sister’s home and there was a huge argument. My sister’s oldest son now lives in my mother’s new home and quit his job to be as my sister put it ‘the butler’ while he the grandson is waiting for the whole inheritance. My sister has not spoken to her son since the move and it does not seem they shall ever again be communicating. Seems mother and daughter had been close till mother’s son died. Not being a psychologist I can not comprehend why the death of our brother would have turned mother against my sister.

    I never knew this alienating abuse is so prevalent that there is a name for it. My mother was very fortunate because decades ago she told me a new law was passed in Germany just after she took my sister and brother there. She said that they were the last to be allowed into the country the way she got them in.

    The number of ways my mother has gotten away scott free, while others suffered the lifelong lasting affects of her abuse, without being held accountable is beyond comprehension.

    At one time I envied my siblings having each other and as I was not aware of the demon I was painted as being by my mother, I blamed myself for not having a mother.

    My life in Canada is one of peace and now I feel very sorry for the years of BS baffles brains my sister went through and the loss of her oldest because of our mother.

    Reply
  • June 2, 2015 at 9:17 pm

    I know there are parents out there who do this maliciously but as a few others have said at times there are good reasons to keep a child away or limit contact with a parent. I am trying to get custody of my kids my daughter already primarily lives with me. I have her counseling because she many times refuses to see her father. I want to get to the heart of why. My ex is emotionally and verbally abusing my son. calling him names and gives the kids guilt trips if they say they want to see me. Tells my daughter she’s mean.

    So there are times when it becomes necessary to limit the contact of a parent.

    Reply
  • February 6, 2016 at 12:57 pm

    My wife wanted out, in 1987.her reason was”bored being a mother and a wife” she gets with a guy and eventually wants full custody.I was getting my teo kids during my 3 or 4 days off work each week and one was in grade one.I lived closer to her school, all was well.then she decided to make it hard and insisted on 7 days at each home.then I needed a sitter from 5:30 am to 6:30 pm, while mother was at home and partying.went through assessments etc where father was found to be the better parent but father was so far in debt and mother had legal aide to fight forever.my kids were my life.
    I haven’t seen them in 15 years.
    Out government should reluze how serious a problem this is and stop it.

    Reply
  • May 26, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    Hi…I just recently learned about the Parent Alienation Syndrome…and I think my story relates to it. I have an 18 year old daughter who I miss with all of my heart! I had full legal and physical custody of her 6 years ago…my ex husband’s rights were terminated in court and his family was to see her supervised…a few years after, I made the biggest mistake of my life, I reunited with my ex believing he really loved my daughter and I and wanted to work hard at being a family…during that time I ended up moving in with his mom and dad, and my ex. We had the same problems as before, and his family always getting involved and blaming me for all of my ex’s problems, including his domestic violence towards me. I was planning on leaving him with my daughter, but had to go in for surgery. After my surgery, they got me a motel to “rest up” for a week, then on the way home from the motel my ex dropped me off in a parking lot and said “we have custody of your daughter now, you don’t!”. I then walked to the house and all of my belongings were in the street in the rain….the parents had filed for temporary guardianship and claimed I abandoned my daughter…and that I was homeless ( which I was then!) In going to probate court, I lost my rights because I got back together with my ex….and his sister ended up getting guardianship of my daughter (ex’s parents could not). That was 6 years ago…after only seeing her twice, and I had 6 hours visitation a week, but they would never return my calls to schedule visits. My ex (who wasn’t supposed to be living with her), the guardian and her son, all lived with my ex’s mom who runs the family…I tried calling my daughter at least a few hundred times, only to get an answering machine…and the worst thing is she developed leukaemia 3/months after I lost custody. I was unable to get info from the hospital, doctor’s, or my ex’s family on how she was doing…I was sick with worry and felt helpless, just wanting to be there for my daughter….to make a long story short, after all the attempted calls, all of the letters I sent her, even attempts to see her at her house, I still have no contact with her…..she has tried on several occasions to contact me, when I call her back or plan a visit it never happens because of the family. When asked by her attorney if she wanted to see me with the ex-in laws in the room, I was told she gets nervous, does not answer and turns away. She turned 18 recently, and after years I was able to talk to my ex, who told me she was in the hospital for suicide watch…he is unable to see her do to some severe mental issues and he just got out of jail…the guardians son who lives there just got out of jail for 4 felony’s and domestic violence, there is someone living in their garage, and I can only imagine what my daughter is going through…this is the first time I have ever shared my story, and all I want to do is make sure my daughter is OK and to be there for her, but don’t know how to see or talk to her….I was a good mother (besides abuse from ex) and never abused my daughter….can I get any advice if possible? I recently tried to go to the house and ex mother-in-law said she is not there (of course, she is never home when I have tried)….please help….thank you.

    Reply
  • August 17, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    My heart breaks for all of us who have been alienated from are children. I am 61 years old and was alienated from my 4 children for 11 years. I was made about to be a sick,drug addict, deranged mother by my ex husband. Three of them 2 girls and 1 boy have come back into my life 6 years ago. They are not my children anymore. Biological yes but they lie disrespect and will do anything to hurt me again. What was told to them as small children still stands. I will always love as my own but the damage is done. I can only hope that the court system starts to understand the ramifications. I will always love you in my heart Scott, Tyler, Casey and Cody

    Reply
 

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