6 thoughts on “The Boldest New Idea about Sex

  • November 4, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    So what happens to a couple in a long-term relationship when one has a strong sex drive and the other says they think they are asexual? What can the couple do to revive/retain the intimacy needed for the relationship to survive and thrive?

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  • November 5, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    The same problem here, ‘frustrated’. Married 33 years in an increasingly sexless marriage. And when I tried to shake the tree, to say, ‘I don’t want to live like this for another 20 years,’ my wife ‘came out’ to herself and to me as an asexual lesbian. So I now have a no sex marriage. From my own experience, all I can say is that I know that I could leave, and look elsewhere (though there’s no guarantee of finding a better partner than the one I have). But I’ve chosen to stay. And the simple fact of accepting that I can’t change her, and she’s not going to change, has brought a measure of peace, thus far. We’ll see. I thought sex was a need for me, now I’m wondering if it is only a want.

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  • November 5, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    Thank you for mentioning asexuality every once in a while. I love it when my singlehood and asexuality meet in the same place, because even in the asexual communities, I sometimes feel I don’t belong because many asexuals seek romantic relationships, so I tend to feel awkward expressing my aromanticism and I don’t get to read a lot about people’s happy experiences of being single.

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  • May 7, 2016 at 2:44 am

    And what if you are single but love sex and don’t want to have it for the sake of it without a real connexion, and yet love to be single but are frustrated about not having that sex? Is artificial or firced asexuality the only solution?

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  • May 8, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    It was only relatively few years ago that I discovered AVEN and the relief was indescribable. It explained so much. Years before I had been to see a therapist about my lack of interest in sex, which was a problem between me and my b/f and when I said I wasn’t interested in sex, he said, ‘oh nonsense, we’re all sexual creatures’. His exact words. So that was me told. So I didn’t go back to see him again! Since realising that I am asexual and having eventually managed to have the discussion with my partner, and him eventually realising that it is true, and accepting that I’m not going to change, we have come to a kind of ‘arrangement’, whereby I give him oral stimulation when he feels the need, and then, every few months or so, when I can mentally work myself up to it, usually with the help of porn, we have actual intercourse. I don’t ‘come out’, not because I am ashamed, but because I don’t want to embarrass him. Even our daughter doesn’t know, even though, ironically, she has an asexual girlfriend. I feel bad for the sexual partners in a relationship with an asexual, it is unfair on them, and this is probably the best reason for why it needs to be more widely known about and accepted, and not just written off as ‘residual sexual trauma’ or, ‘you haven’t found the right person yet’ and all the rest of the guff put out by people who don’t believe it exists.

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