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Two’s a Crowd: Living Together When You Really Want to Live Apart

During the years I spent interviewing people about their lifespaces, and what they loved most about how they lived, I expected to find the most compelling accounts of the joys of living alone from single people living by themselves. And they did have some insightful things to say. But also among the most elegant spokespersons for what makes a place of one’s own so attractive were the people I interviewed who were committed couples (sometimes married) who were living in places of their own. They were doing so not because external circumstances (such as jobs in different cities) forced their hands, but because they just really wanted their own space. Their stories are in How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century.

As part of my research for the book, I watched a documentary about a couple who started out in places of their own and wanted to stay that way, but were forced by financial woes to co-exist in one tiny apartment. The brief section I wrote about them was not included in the final version of the book, so I want to share it here:

Allen Sheinman and Collette Stallone, stars of the documentary Two’s a Crowd, would have been happy to stay in their own places forever, even though each was just a small apartment. They met in their 40s and married, each for the second time. Collette was in Greenwich Village; Allen lived twenty blocks north and considered Seventh Avenue the corridor connecting their homes. When Allen’s rent spiked, their hands were forced. Allen moved into Collette’s tiny one-bedroom rent-stabilized place where she had lived for 31 years. They managed to survive and even thrive by compartmentalizing time, space, and people. The living room was turned into Allen’s room, and a sliding door was added. He stayed in that room on weeknights. Collette kept the bedroom. She explained that “on Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, he can come into my room.” She proudly contrasts her routines with those of couples who insist on doing everything together: “We give each other a great deal of freedom and are not threatened…sometimes we go our separate ways on weekends, and we let each other have our own time with our friends.”

Here are some of my other writings on Living Apart Together:

How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century (especially Chapter 6, “The New Couples: So Happy Not Together” and Chapter 8, “There’s Nothing Sweeter than Solitude: Living Alone”)

Living Apart Together, Part 1: The importance of women’s wishes

Living Apart Together, Part 2: The importance of men’s desires

Living Apart Together: It’s not just for couples

Single, Anita Hill style: Long-term partner and separate homes

7 kinds of marriages – and one awesome alternative

Keeping marriage alive with affairs, asexuality, polyamory, and living apart

Why would committed couples live apart when they don’t have to?

Why so many partners want to be both single and together

The top 10 ways couples have changed

For more of my writings on living alone, click here.

Living room photo available from Shutterstock

Two’s a Crowd: Living Together When You Really Want to Live Apart


Bella DePaulo, Ph.D

Bella DePaulo (Ph.D., Harvard; Academic Affiliate, Psychological and Brain Sciences, UC Santa Barbara), an expert on single life, is the author of several books, including "Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" and "How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century." Her TEDx talk is "What no one ever told you about people who are single," https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyZysfafOAs. Dr. DePaulo has discussed singles and single life on radio and television, including NPR and CNN, and her work has been described in newspapers such as the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, and USA Today, and magazines such as Time, Atlantic, the Week, More, the Nation, Business Week, AARP Magazine, and Newsweek. Dr. DePaulo is in her sixties. She has always been single and always will be. She is "single at heart" -- single is how she lives her best and most meaningful life. Visit her website at www.BellaDePaulo.com.


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APA Reference
DePaulo, B. (2016). Two’s a Crowd: Living Together When You Really Want to Live Apart. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 20, 2020, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/single-at-heart/2016/02/how-two-people-share-a-tiny-apartment-when-they-both-crave-a-place-of-their-own/

 

Last updated: 2 Feb 2016
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.