Single by Choice and Single at Heart: Is There a Difference?
The name of this blog, “Single at Heart,” refers to a set of single people who, culturally, are almost entirely invisible. They are the single people for whom living single is how they live their best, most authentic, most meaningful lives.
There is no systematic research on people who are single at heart, except for my own preliminary investigations. You can read some of my previous posts about what I’ve found, as well as other discussions relevant to the single-at-heart, here. My sense so far is that for people who are single at heart, once they get past the cultural expectations about what they should be doing, and maybe their own internalization of the prevailing ideology that says that everyone wants to marry and that’s the only way to be truly happy, they recognize something profound: Single life suits them. It is a life they embrace. It feels right and true.
People who are single at heart are not all that interested in dating, but some of them have spent time dating and in romantic relationships. Their reaction after such relationships end is one of the ways they differ most markedly from those who are not single-at-heart: They are far more likely to feel relieved, and far less likely to feel sadness and pain.
Most people who are single-at-heart like making big life decisions on their own, rather than with a romantic partner or spouse. They are self-sufficient and they have a sense of personal mastery. When something minor goes wrong (such as a fender-bender), they appreciate not having to discuss it with a spouse.
Among people who are not single at heart, one of the things some of them love about being in a serious romantic relationship is that they have an automatic plus-one for whatever social event they want to attend. People who are single at heart do not generally find that heartening; they’d rather have more options, such as going with different people to different events, or going alone, or just staying home.
People who are single-at-heart tend to value meaningful work more than other people do. They also really love their solitude.
Not everyone who is single at heart is actually single. Some are married or in romantic relationships, often because they never realized that single life was a real option. They may care deeply about their partner, but still feel that they missed their most authentic life, which is single life. They chose marriage, but if they could do it again, they would choose single life instead. Others do leave their marriages or relationships and embrace their single lives.
On the flip side, not everyone who is single by choice is also single at heart. People who are single by choice include all the single-at-heart people who love their single lives. They might wish that singlism (the stereotyping, stigmatizing, and discrimination against single people) were not so rampant, and that the culture would get over its matrimania (the over-the-top hyping of marriage and coupling and weddings), but as for single life itself, well that’s something they savor.
But people who are single by choice also include others who choose single life but for reasons that may not all be positive. For example, they may have had bad experiences in relationships in the past. They may not want to deal with what it takes to “find someone.” Or they may feel that, all things considered, it is just easier to live single. That’s a different kind of attitude about single life. People who are single by choice have chosen to be single; for people who are single-at-heart, single life has also chosen them. Single is who they really are.
Happy woman photo available from Shutterstock
DePaulo, B. (2016). Single by Choice and Single at Heart: Is There a Difference?. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 20, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/single-at-heart/2016/01/single-by-choice-and-single-at-heart-is-there-a-difference/