Let’s get rid of it. The hook-up culture. I don’t know when it started. But let’s stop it. I’m guessing it began as a feminist thing. We want casual sex too! We don’t care. But we do. In the last 15 years of my practice never once have I heard a young girl tell me that she liked being dumped in the morning. NEVER ONCE. As I was watching these confident olympian girls and women, first coming forward about that disgusting doctor and then scoring gold medals in Korea I though why must we put up with this at all? Yes there has been a #metoo movement and a #metoo backlash (sole perpetrator, groper in chief), but the real change has to come from our behavior. Say no to the hook-up (if you want to)! As my favorite therapist Lisa Damour stated in the NY Times a few months ago, don’t allow nudes. Make it wrong for a boy to even ask. Make the burden on him. Make them accountable. Make it REALLY BAD for boys to ghost women. Make it wrong.
My daughter is at a prestigious private college. She showed me an article that said 1 in 4 girls get sexually assaulted by the time they graduate. Really? Is that where my $200,000 is going? How can colleges sell themselves with that kind of mindset?
- According to Damour, An analysis of nearly 500 accounts from 12- to 18-year-old girls about their negative experiences with sexting found that over two-thirds had been asked for explicit images.
- According to the Washington Post, Of students who reported hooking up, 41 percent used words such as “regretful,” “empty,” “miserable,” “disgusted,” “ashamed,” “duped” and even “abused” to describe the experience.
How can we work through this culture shift.
10. It’s never a good idea to have sex when you’re wasted.
9. It’s lonely to have sex with someone you barely know.
8. Sex with a stranger can lead to feelings of shame and regret.
7. It’s OK to be alone.
6. It encourages boys to behave badly.
5. It gives you an emotional hangover.
4. Starting out as friends is OK.
3. Frat boys need manners: binge drinking is a disease.
2. Consent is not a choice.
1. Being rude, unreliable, fake and distant is thoughtless.
#metoo means that A LOT of women spent decades of their lives recovering from real abuse. Let’s make the next generation smarter, not harder. I hate witnessing suffering that could have been avoided. Hashtag, learn to be your authentic self and tell these guys to raise the bar of of behavior to at least a human level. That cannot be asking too much. Our culture is ill right now – some leaders are acting more like followers. But change can come incrementally and powerfully with our collective will and wisdom. It has to.