9 thoughts on “Infidelity and “Gaslighting:” When Cheaters Flip the Script

  • May 18, 2017 at 12:28 am

    I have never read such an accurate description of this. 100% on point. I too get mad at myself for entertaining such lies and betrayal. What’s one to gain from this? Like the girl in the story, I’m more mad at the blatant lying then I am the sex. He will look me straight in the eyes and lie. I won’t back down tho. Why does a guy who says he loves you, who gets all the sex he wants cheat? I know it’s the game. It’s just stupid. What pisses me off is they are so charming when you first meet. Bait and switch. I’ll have the last laugh on this one, let that be known. I’ve got some pretty good (and embarrassing) proof that will be shared when all this comes to surface, that will leave him speechless. And all the people he calling me crazy to, will see who the crazy one is.

    Thank you so much for this story.
    Great job. !!!!!

    Reply
  • May 18, 2017 at 5:09 am

    The worst part of my experience was that I WANTED to believe that I was wrong even after I had evidence. My husband then tried to discredit/explain away what I found out, and he finally justified his sin by saying that I
    deserved to be cheated on. He has NPD and threw away our 14-year relationship like it was nothing. He claimed he pretended to be happy, said in counseling that he married me because, “It seemed like a good idea,” and blamed me for all his shortcomings and unhappiness. I am still recovering through support from friends, a church group, Divorce Care, intensive individual therapy, and an IOP program. I hope all the men and women who are cheated on realize that infidelity is not normal, romantic, or merely “acting out.” It’s soul-rape, it’s sinful, and it’s an ultimate betrayal that the CHEATER is solely responsible for committing. No one drives anyone to cheat. Infidelity is a choice.

    My spouse chose to tell me that I was the only problem in the marriage, that I needed to be “fixed,” and that things would be better if I “got help” and made him happy. I did work on myself for five years, and it gave me the strength to survive his betrayal and seek help as he uses the legal system to continue his attacks and bully me.

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    • May 22, 2017 at 4:13 am

      Hi

      Your words is so true

      “It’s soul-rape, it’s sinful, and it’s an ultimate betrayal that the CHEATER is solely responsible for committing. No one drives anyone to cheat. Infidelity is a choice”

      I recently discovered that my wife is having an affair with another man at her work and she said that I’m to blame for what she did

      Martin

      Reply
      • August 30, 2018 at 4:41 am

        Yes I do agree with you and Cora. Infidelity is a choice although there are some factors that would drive a person to cheat. It could be some marriage issues or insecurities but regardless of the reason, you yourself should be blamed for doing such an act and not your partner.

        Reply
    • September 18, 2017 at 8:50 pm

      Cora…
      In case nobody has told you today or recently, I will…
      YOU’RE an AMAZING WOMAN!!
      I’m getting ready to leave my relationship of 9 years. I’ve been ready, now I’m going to do it. Out of my 9 years with this jerk, I’m certain he was never faithful for more than five minutes all the while he’s been lying & gaslighting…
      I’ve been told by women that he’s asked them to pull up their shirts & flash them, others he’s propositioned for 3 way sex…
      I can’t believe I ever wasted my life with this douchebag.
      To say I’m embarrassed & humiliated is an understatement, no shame in his game…
      Just wanted to let you know
      you’re not alone.

      Reply
  • September 18, 2017 at 8:30 pm

    I’m done. I’m going to walk & I’m a f#cking IDIOT…
    From the beginning I have been completely honest & have only asked the same in return.
    From the beginning, he acted as though he was only interested in seeing each other…
    I told him if he wanted to see other people & we could continue dating, I had no problem with that & I to would continue seeing other people & when we made time to see each other that would be great.
    Oh no… He stated he didn’t want that & I was the one for him, he wanted us to be exclusive…
    I too liked him that much but, I have been down that path & gotten burned. I wasn’t going down it again. More, time went by & things between us were good we saw each other alot with me being the one to go to his place mostly because it was more convenient for him do to his elderly mother & him care taking & watching her, she lives next door…
    More time passes & he asks me to move in with him, I hesitate & don’t answer right away. He says why not, it only makes sense, I want only you & you’re here with me the majority of the time when you aren’t at work. It was true but, still I thought about it. Finally, I told him are you absolutely sure about this?
    He says yes, move in with me & again I brought up our relationship & dating others & again he assured me he only wants to see me…
    Stupidly I believed this load of crap. Nothing could have been further from the truth. All gaslighting & constant lies. I could have photos or a video of his infidelity & he’d still tell me it wasn’t him. He will tell me “Don’t you dare call me a liar.” Really?? Seriously??
    It’s been unbelievable. I’ve actually spoken to one of the women he had sex with during our relationship & I didn’t blame her for it because, she was honest, she didn’t know he was involved with anybody & came right out & said she asked him from the get go if he had a girlfriend or was married & of course he replied no. This woman apologized profusely to me over & over saying she would have never gone there, & she knows what it’s like to have that done because it’s happened to her & it isn’t okay & ended by saying she would never be speaking to him again. I told him of my conversation with this woman, he immediately got very loud & defensive & of course, told me she was lying & it never happened. For God sakes, the woman described his lunch tote bag to me that he carelessly left behind at her place & she told me she would be throwing in the trash.
    In order to make sure I had no more contact with this woman, even Know he swears he didn’t have sexual relations with her, he said, “Let me see your phone” & I handed it too him, he threw it on the floor & with his boot stomps on it breaking it apart…
    Sign me…
    This is the reason I stay single.

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  • August 18, 2018 at 3:16 pm

    I’ve been cheated on in two previous long time relationships and I’d like to offer my 2 cents of personal advise. When I began to get that really strong gut feeling they were cheating, I confronted them. And, of course, they (women) gaslighted me to death. “How could you possibly believe I would do such a thing to you? Suspecting me of cheating is ridiculously mean spirited. I think you’re going nuts!” ). With only a couple of sort of circumstantial clues and only a gut feeling, I felt like an idiot. And I felt like something was wrong with me, like I needed extensive therapy, meds, etc.

    What I’ve learned about this situation is this. Confronting your spouse when you don’t have inarguable evidence is a waste of time. They will lie every time, no matter how honest they are about anything else, they will lie about cheating 100% of the time if you don’t have solid evidence. What I recommend is doing the opposite, give them tons of rope so they hang themselves. It’s ridiculously hard to act calm and trusting, not questioning things you would otherwise but keeping the cheater confident that you suspect nothing greatly increases the likelihood they’ll make the kind of mistakes that will give you the evidence you need. Meanwhile, become a wile, patient sleuth, quietly keeping track of everything they are doing, especially phone activity. There are a ton of resources on the internet, strategies, apps that track etc. Once you have solid proof, make up your mind that no amount of gaslighting will make you back down. First confront, when the denial happens present the evidence and don’t back down no matter what. You might try this: if they continue to deny tell them you’ll present the strong evidence to all your friends and family if they don’t admit it. This is exactly what I did in my last relationship. She went from raging denial to weeping confession in seconds.

    Busting your cheating mate might not save your marriage but, if you are like me, at least you could regain a sense of empowerment. You were determined to put a stop to something that was horribly humiliating, you stood up for yourself and took control of you life!

    Reply
    • September 2, 2018 at 9:23 am

      Jim: Good advice, but only for “active” infidelities (that is, infidelities that are currently taking place). What about when the infidelity (either sexual or otherwise) occurred months or years ago and you’re just realizing it, or coming out of betrayal denial, now?

      Reply
  • March 28, 2019 at 8:45 am

    My bf of 6 years is doing this to me right now. Gaslighting the crap out of me. He’s been doing it ever since I saw the first several scratches on his body. It’s been months. He attributes them to his psoriasis. But there is no psoriasis where the scratches are. He blames me saying I don’t trust him. That I am the one who causes him stress and anxiety. That I cause him pain. When really all I am doing is standing up for myself!! It’s because I am sure he’s cheating on me!!! And not only is he a disgusting and heartless bastard for doing that to me but he’s actually an evil and cruel monster when he keeps punishing me and C a us in me pain by never admitting the truth but instead pushing me farther down and destroying me more and more everyday so that he can do whatever he wants, happily, at the expense of me and my complete emotional destruction. What kind of a person does this? I beg him over and over to tell me the truth. I don’t want to be with a man who is cheating on me. I give him all the sex he wants and then some. Lately he’s saying we need to slow down sexually. He can’t keep up. He seems distant. Whenever we text, he suddenly drops from the conversations. He is passive aggressive and punishes me when I ask questions or demand answers. He threatens to leave me all the time when I push too hard. Last night he did just that because I found yet more scratches on his body!!!! How can I live in peace when I keep seeing these scratches? It is wearing me down. I beg for the truth to preserve my own sanity!!! He won’t budge. It’s actually horrifying to see a person this delusional, this cruel who will stop at nothing, even if it’s destroying another person, in order to preserve the facade of the good man he claims he is who would never be capable of such monstrosities. But I know this man. I see the changes. They are adding up. I have a gut feeling. He calls me paranoid, insecure and a bully! Ignores me when I accuse him. Threatens to leave. I think he’s more serious about leaving lately because he’s solidified a relationship with someone else. Before he hung onto me because he had no other sources for sex. Does he think that he can use me and discard me like garbage after 6 years? Once the thrill wore off, does he really think I will allow him to get away with finding a new thrill and ripping my heart out while he’s enjoying a new ride?? Never!! The sign of strength is not trusting a person. That’s the sign. Not being trusting or taking their word for everything. No such thing as blind trust. Standing up to them is also a sign of strength. Refusing to allow them to do this to you! Calling them out on their behaviour! Not believing them! Standing strong in who you are! Not sure what my next move is but I’ve got ammunition if he wants me to detonate the nuclear bomb!!!!

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