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with Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., LPCC

Tips For Men Struggling With Premature Ejaculation

 

Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual complaint among men of all ages. The feeling of not being able to control when you want to ejaculate during a sexual encounter can be a big blow to your sexual confidence. The causes of chronic premature ejaculation are largely not understood or clear. However, situational or more acute premature ejaculation could be caused by older age, a new partner, or a new sexual situation and infrequent sexual activity.

In other words, you are more likely to experience lack of ejaculatory control if you have not had sex in a long time, if you are having sex with a new partner, or if you are trying out a new sexual situation or activity. In such cases, once the frequency of sex becomes more consistent or the novelty of the partner and/or situation wears off, typically the ability to control one’s orgasm is regained.

However, in cases of chronic or long-standing premature ejaculation, the control remains elusive. What further complicates identifying whether one has a problem with premature ejaculation is when the measuring stick is the female partner’s orgasm.

About 30-40% of women do not orgasm at all whereas other women need 20-30 minutes to reach orgasm. In both cases, it’s grossly erroneous to blame the male partner for premature ejaculation if he is unable to last 30 minutes or longer. Premature ejaculation is when the male ejaculates either before, at or shortly after penetration.

Here are some tips for men struggling with chronic premature ejaculation:

1. You are not alone

As I mentioned, take solace in the fact that this is a very common issue for men. The percentage of men affected by the issue is anywhere between 30-75%. In fact, from an evolution perspective, rapid ejaculation is the norm. Animals engaging in sex in the wild are vulnerable to attack and being able to ejaculate rapidly is needed for survival.

2. Talk about it

When experiencing premature ejaculation in a relationship, I can’t reiterate how important it is to talk about it with your partner. Being able to name what is happening to you and having your partner respond in a loving and kind way can get you out of the web of worries about whether you are going to last or not. Your partner’s reassurance can go a long way in alleviating the pressure you feel to last longer. You might be surprised to discover that perhaps your partner does not care as much as you do about how long you last.

3. Examine your sexual scripts

Sexual scripts are messages, myths, misconceptions, ideas, expectations and opinions about sex and sexuality that are usually passed on from one generation to the next. Some sexual scripts remain relatively unchanged over time. However, some sexual scripts shift with changes in social trends and ideas. Men struggling with premature ejaculation share some common faulty sexual scripts, such as a man is responsible for pleasing a woman, real men can have sex for an indefinite period of time and maintain their rock hard erections, or only men who are weak struggle with erection or rapid ejaculation issues.

4. Practice staying within your window of high arousal

Learn to identify the difference between being aroused optimally and being aroused to the point of ejaculation. With practice, train yourself to stay between those two points without losing your erection or ejaculating before you wish to do so. This learning will happen if you can find a way to get out of your head, where you are focused on performing, and instead focus on what is happening at the moment – which is being with your partner and focusing on the sensations of pleasure.

5. Focus on outercourse

Your penis is not the only way you can pleasure your partner. Instead of focusing so much on penetration which in turn is a precursor for worrying thoughts such as, “Am I going to last,” or “Am I good enough in bed,” focus on foreplay, erotic massages and touch, oral sex and mutual masturbation. Adding outercourse based activities to your sexual repertoire will not only reduce the pressure to be the perfect lover who lasts forever but will also spice up your sex life.

6. Go slow

Some men mistakenly self-diagnose themselves as struggling with premature ejaculation because their female partners require 20-30 minutes of stimulation to orgasm and the majority of men are unable to sustain an erection for that long. By going slow in the beginning and spending a lot of time on foreplay you can prime your partner for reaching the orgasm stage relatively quickly. Because of the focus on penetration equals pleasure, men tend to underestimate the significance of optimal foreplay. Also, most women require dual stimulation for orgasm – which means they are unable to orgasm through intercourse only and require clitoral stimulation. If your female partner is unable to orgasm during intercourse, it does not automatically imply that you are the one with the problem!

Tips For Men Struggling With Premature Ejaculation

Dr. Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C.

Nagma V. Clark, Ph.D., L.P.C.C. is a sex & relationship expert, founder of Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc. - a thriving sex therapy & couples counseling practice in the Bay Area, CA. Dr. Clark specializes in working with couples & individuals struggling with low or mismatched libido, weak or absent orgasms, performance anxiety, erectile dysfunction, sexual pain, sexuality & aging, general sexual dissatisfaction etc. She also works with people interested in exploring sexual orientation, gender identity, kink, BDSM, polyamory, and atypical sexual behaviors. She has been in the field of sexuality since 2006, including 4 years of clinical experience in the area of forensic sexuality, treating sexual paraphilias. She is a licensed professional clinical counselor (L.P.C.C.) with license to practice psychotherapy in the states of CA, PA & LA. She holds a doctorate in human sexuality with specialization in sex therapy from Widener University, PA. Since 2002, her clinical experience has spanned individuals, couples & families from diverse cultural, ethnic & racial backgrounds in the United States as well as abroad. As a bi-cultural, multilingual woman of color, she possesses an expansive & versatile view of the world which she brings into her work and her writing. For more information or to reach Dr. Clark, please visit Tri-Valley Relationship Therapy, Inc.


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APA Reference
, . (2018). Tips For Men Struggling With Premature Ejaculation. Psych Central. Retrieved on July 16, 2018, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-talk/2018/07/tips-for-men-struggling-with-premature-ejaculation/

 

Last updated: 6 Jul 2018
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Jul 2018
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.