16 thoughts on “9 Good Reasons to Stay with a Sex Addict

  • July 7, 2014 at 1:19 am

    I am so very grateful for this article. It has given me much hope that I have lined for. Everyone is in a unique situation and I feel I am no different in this, but I think that as I apply the things listed here and continue to support the addict in my life, then they can achieve the happiness and freedom they’ve been longing for-hopefully with me in the picture.

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  • July 7, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    This is well said. Now I look forward to your “9 Reasons to Leave.”

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    • December 25, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Absolutely! In fairness, it has to be acknowledged that are legitimate reasons for leaving and should be addressed also.

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      • December 26, 2014 at 2:05 pm

        In response to Diana, here are nine reasons to leave:

        1. Your resentment for what your partner has done is overwhelming and you would rather put the time and energy into something new and positive than trying to work through it with him or her.

        2. You can’t imagine the idea of ever having sex with her or him again.

        3. You believe that you should not throw good money or time after something bad.

        4. A fresh start is more appealing that a scarred history.

        5. You don’t want to have to have hundreds of hours of conversation about something that you find distasteful.

        6. You didn’t sign up for this, you don’t want to have to deal with this. This is beyond the pale.

        7. You hope for a new and better relationship with someone who will not be distracted by dealing with their addiction for the next twenty years.

        8. You don’t want your children to have a recovering-or-not addict as a role model.

        9. You have better things to do with your life and your future than participate in a rehabilation of that has a high likelihood of relapse. It is enough that the addiction is at the center of your partner’s world. You do not want it at the center of yours.

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      • July 8, 2016 at 3:52 pm

        Cynthia and Dot, you were much kinder than I could ever be to this erroneous article.

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  • August 24, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Apart from love, yes…these are the reasons I stay with an addict.
    I just wish for him to figure out what would work for him in his recovery process; and for me to know how to support him efficiently.

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  • May 2, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    Sex addiction is domestic violence and STDs can be passed to the partner along with complication of STDS. What professional would encourage a victim to stay in a relation with intimate partner abuse? It is the therapist’s responsibility to educate the victim of the dangers of staying including to her mental and physical health.

    This list of nine reasons to stay is playing with fire. The victim had EVERYTHING to lose by staying without clear warnings and a safety plan for an immediate or eventual exit.

    Continuing to lie and engage in risky sex activities while in “recovery” is common with sex addicts…

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  • October 26, 2016 at 9:42 pm

    What bothers me about this article is that it does not address the needs nor the awareness of the spouse’s need for healing. What it does is focus on the addict, which actually just feeds the addict with the attention it is seeking. Instead of making the addict own and take responsibility for their behavior. The simple truth is this. People stay because of their own addiction to be the helper or the caregiver and therefore and addict is a perfect mate. They fill their need to be the “good one” and the addict fills their need to be “the child”.

    So now lets talk about what a healthy way to move forward. You don’t have to leave. However you can’t be apart of the process of recovery. They need to choose that and you need to get help, because you have been in an abusive relationship, most likely lied to and put at risk (whether it be std’s or mentally demoralized and disrespected as a person). The focus is now taken off of them, not shaming them nor judging them, because now your focus is on you getting healthy and well. After you get healthy and well you won’t need to read this article, because you will have made the choice from doing your own work on yourself. You may find out that once you are healthy, this no longer serves you, or that you being healthy is a huge factor in them being healthy.
    Either way, stop focusing on their disease, but seek to focus on your own.

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  • February 25, 2019 at 7:27 pm

    I’m a sex addict. It comes in many forms. I don’t have sex with other people and would not encourage people to stay in a relationship if it’s not really a relationship. You can’t be married to a prostitute any more than a sleep around see addict. I have been a sex addict since I was a child. I feel it has ruined my life. Pornography strip clubs and legal voyuerism. Women are both victims and villians when it comes to sex. You have drug addicts and drug dealers , sex addicts and sex dealers both contribute to the decline known as society. But from one psycho to the poor wife’s of these other psycho s, I will be a very honest. These men are already married to their problems. They are a prisoner to themselves. If they have God in them, they have some hope but if not, it’s a lost cause. Only stay if you don’t mind living a life of compromise and secret shame for being with a person who is living slave to their impulse

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  • July 29, 2019 at 12:01 pm

    My husband couldn’t have sex if he tried, I thought, before I knew about his addiction to dogging mainly with men (or so he says) and porn that he had some medical condition but no, he’s de sensitised himself so it’s porn only that does it for him….he says he’s gone cold turkey now, says he’s learnt his lesson and won’t ever do it again….do I believe him….nah, I used to be a very happy bubbly person who believed she had the perfect husband, my saying to my husband used to be “ I love us” well, it’s 18 month later, he’s let me down 3 times, I rarely smile anymore, I’m like a zombie, I’m devastated im also 60 and my future looks grim, I’ve rang the Samaritans twice I’ve been so desperate…..So the artical to me is a load of rubbish…..feel sorry for the poor sex addict, by the way, I had a rubbish up bringing, hubby comes from a very happy loving home…….try standing in my shoes for a while, then write an article when you know how it really feels…….

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  • February 26, 2020 at 6:31 pm

    My partner of 2 years has told me most of his sexual past! And it’s hard to listen to! He claims he is a reformed character of at least 6 years! And he will never cheat on me due to seeing the state of his ex when she found out he’d been cheating with at least 6 women. He felt he had to get to the bottom of his addiction and quit! However I feel my life is upside down and inside out! Do I try and trust him or leave!
    I got drunk and started shouting about him and hookers! My mental health is suffering so much! His addiction can be put down to childhood abuse from his mother! Which any abuse is harrowing and should never happen in an ideal world. But this doesn’t help the spouse and we worry all the time. My confidence is being chipped away at everyday! I love him so much but it’s not enough now. I tend to agree with the comment from Dee, and my heart goes out to you.

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    • July 27, 2020 at 8:28 am

      He is definitely lying. No addict can recover by just stopping and no addict can recover by seeing the hurt he has caused others. If that were the case everyone would be clean and in recovery. I was in the same situation for 2.5 years of listening to my boyfriend’s gross stories about his past while he assured me that was in the past and would never happen now. He even said he was a different person back then (5 years ago and more) and was not in recovery at that time for his other addictions (he is now in recovery for several years from alcohol and other things). I knew otherwise inside, but try to deny it and spent the whole relationship researching, checking up on him and just waiting to find evidence of cheating. I NEVER found any shred of evidence. Yet, after I broke up with him finally because I was tired of constantly worrying, he admitted that he had cheated throughout our relationship with prostitutes. So not only did he cover it up perfectly since there are no strings attached with those types of cheating situations that you would ever find out, but the put me at risk as well. I would say trust your gut. I wish I had, too, with or without evidence. He was sweet, kind and did not want to hurt people either and he was even tormented and going to see a doctor, but he still could not stop. He just hid it very well.

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  • June 26, 2020 at 1:18 pm

    If you are the wife of a sex addict and you are in your 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY as fast as you can and save yourself. If you are in your 60’s and got the special surprise of learning this far along in the marriage (26 years for me) that your husband, that great guy the entire city loves, that great “ doctor husband” who is adored by the masses and showered with patient love has actually banged more than 20 different prostitutes multiple times right here in Beverly Hills…He is the master of deception, the king of having killed me with this shock, I’m a beautiful lawyer, former model – but it’s never never about the wife – they are sick men and recovery is wrought with relapse – he loves his whoring – he says he loves me. I’m busy ripping 26 beautiful custom photo holiday cards in half because only 1/2 of my live was real – only 1/2 had integrity, honesty, and trust – MY HALF. I tried to stay, he spent 2 years and $30,000 on a psychiatrist who he lied to while they discussed my traveling so much for work contributing to his loneliness and my (MY?) dads death that my husband felt guilty about as a doctor….. WHAT A WASTE of time and money – next time donate the money to a food bank to feed starving kids! Sex Addicts are self entitled narcissistic men who get their jollies out of both hard rough sex and mental abuse deceiving the spouses. Get your finances in order – at 60 you’re still young but not young enough to really start over – I didn’t want to become the bitter divorce who then turns into a sad zombie but it can happen even to the strongest. Get Leave A Cheater Gain A Life – I laughed, cried, and found hope. Protect yourself and whether you stay or go protect yourself with your own money and keep your shield up. These are dangerous men and therapists will always blame the wives.

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  • June 27, 2020 at 3:02 pm

    p.s. to my June 26, 2020 posting from Jo – if you do decide to stay with a sex addict you’ll likely experience the encore performance I did. After your forgiveness and the supportive gesture phase, ( he had 20 prostitutes multiple times through our 26 year marriage) – after forgiving him and moving on get ready because the “escorts” come crawling out of the woodwork looking for money and Extortion is the new game for prostitution and my idiot husband paid one – then they come back for more – threatening letters, phone calls, you’re living a nightmare in your own beautiful home with that “perfect doctor husband” the whole town loves. So $30,000 to get a Restraining Order against the whore good for three years. But beware, the court system always empathizes with the whores. “ Me Too Movement” baloney – there’s a reason why there’s not an old girls network like the men have – that’s because women like these whores are evil – the cheating husbands are narcissistic and the court system will always side with the whores. So get ready for the pack of whores to come together to claim rape and your cheating husband will be broke and have the cell next to Harvey. The cheating husbands are lousy men but the whores are wallet seeking vultures that the courts will rule in favor of no matter how many lies they come out with. And the loving wife who worked hard and did all the supportive forgiveness, who accepted blame for being gone too much working will be made out to be the crazy one if you finally have had enough and ONE time throw a glass ——“see, see how volatile my wife is says the husband?” Get out and take your sanity with you.

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  • August 3, 2020 at 9:58 pm

    Build…your…own….life. Whatever your cheater decides, and you decide, you are going to need a new version of life after this discovery!

    BTW I adored “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life”. Whether you stay or go, you need this book!

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  • August 11, 2020 at 8:43 am

    10 yrs married, 12 together. Online infidelity including stringing someone along for 2 months. This is the 6th betrayal/or times ive caught him out. 2 kids. Tried counselling once 5yrs ago didn’t work. Been a few more times recently. I believe it’s an addictive behaviour/childhood related but starting to feel like I can’t keep rebuilding anymore. Sex addiction counselling may work for him but … it’s too many times. What can normal be/feel like. Can I ever trust him. Do I love him enough. It’s so tough

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