32 thoughts on “When Straight Men are Addicted to Gay Sex

  • August 25, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    My husband falls in to this category and I am searching for others who can relate.

    I do not fit a codependent profile. I was completely in the dark for over 6 years. I’ve known my H since we were 15 years old and our history is long and involved. He’s been acting out and had fallen into deep denial and shame.

    If anyone can relate, reply so we can support each other. Thanks!

  • August 25, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Oh, he is willing to “do the work” to face his decisions and have the marriage that we both deserve.

  • July 27, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    We see this quite often!
    I can write a piece about it on the blog if you want and see who comes back in for you to all chat too 🙂

  • September 2, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    I consider myself straight but in reality im bisexual. My interest in other men is purely physical witb no emotional attachment. Im also a recreational meth user and this is what inspires my bisexual activiti3rd..

  • September 10, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    I found this article to be very alarming because as a faithful partner it is horrifying to think that my partner could be putting our relationship and lives in danger engaging in physical relationships outside of ours, gay or otherwise. It is so easy to cheat. The article was so disturbing because it provided a sense of approval for such behaviors. There are many people willing to risk their lives for the next sexual experience and these people are willing to have that type of open relationship. Should you desire to be this type of person, you should be with someone consenting of this type of lifestyle. Preferably, I choose to be faithful regardless of the opportunities that pass me by to experience another orgasm with someone new that I have met or chanced upon in my daily life. Preferably I choose not to engage in pornography or self indulgence because I always want to have desire for my partner. We were just in Las Vegas and like I said, it is easy to physically cheat as these moments come upon us randomly throughout our lives and it is even easier to self satisfy with access to the internet, television, etc. Should a person choose to live a life where they are willing to share (and risk) their lives with multiple partners they should NOT be in a relationship with someone who values the relationship more important (or at least this is how I feel) to them in such moments like these. I feel great pride in being faithful to my partner. If for any reason you are in a monogamous relationship and your desire changes and these desires are so strong that you as a partner are willing to take those risks — be honest, be upfront, be decent and end the relationship before you take on such a lifestyle. Please go be with people who embrace this type of lifestyle. Will it hurt your current relationship — in my case I can honestly say I would be devastated, most likely to the point where never again would I trust another person to be that close to me again but I would be even more grateful that I could continue to live disease free and true to myself and my beliefs. Please do NOT risk the life of your partner for any reason especially one who would not risk embarrassing you or risking your life. I am trusting that the person I am with feels the same and my heart goes out to those people who are in relationships where some of the core values of intimacy (as we each feel) are so different.

    • November 21, 2014 at 12:25 pm

      Thanks 4 ur post. I feel exactly as u do in ur comments and am going 2 try and support the person who has aged me 2 help them.

  • October 14, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    I am a male sex addict, and I was married for 17 yrs. I have had sex with multiple men in my life and have regretted each and every encounter that I have had. Yet I still went back for more.
    I feel that I truly love women, but lust for men.
    I currently have hit rock bottom with my problem and am seeing a certified sex addiction therapist. I am also in a 12 step program for sex addiction.
    In my mind I truly am not gay. This is the addiction that drives me to put myself into this risk. Its is part of the sickness. I act out and then the guilt, shame, anger tells me that I will never do it again. Ya Right…
    Welcome to addiction.
    I truly feel that once I hit rock bottom that is what I needed. I am early on in my recovery but already I see a bright future and I know I will meet my soul mate (female) and I will learn to control my alter ego the homosexual sex addict that lives inside of me.
    I know my story in not unique, and not everyone is going to share my same feelings about being gay/straight/bi. All I know is like I said earlier
    “I love women, and I lust for men” Its just the sex and the fear that cause it to be exciting. But once the act is done I run as fast as I can and know I can expect the demon called depression to raise his ugly head once again in my life.
    Good luck to anyone who is struggling in life with this. The best advice I can offer is seek help with a CSAT, or go to SAA.org for more information.

    • October 15, 2014 at 10:13 pm

      Sounds like bisexuality. It’s fine. A certified and non-judgmental sex therapist with a degree in clinical psychology might be able to help you a great deal. Anyone else is going to come dangerously close to conversion therapy, and that’s a no-no these days. It doesn’t work.

    • November 21, 2014 at 12:17 pm

      Tx 4 ur post. as a straight married(but very open minded, non judgemental)woman involved with a married man like u the gay sex part was very confusing for the simple reason that I don’t have a dick And I wondered how I could ever “compete” and wrote him off as a closet gay guy maintaining a straight life. That was on the heels of finding out he was cheating and had lied about it when I asked him directly “R u having sex with anyone else besides me and ur wife” and he said “no.” That was the worst part because we have a really intimate sex life because of my trust and that wAs blown by the LIE. The gay part wAs justt a surprise and new 2 me as I had never had a “gay” lover. I know what a huge deal it was 4 him 2 come clean and he wants me 2 help him and I’m ok w/that. Have u been able 2 give up the gay sex? Have u been able 2 find a female partner that is exciting enough? I don’t Demand fidelity but I demand honesty and Am protective of our spouses. though I think his wife knows I told him he needed 2 tell her, that it wasn’t fair2 put her at risk(they just their 20th)And he thought that meant I was going 2 “out” him and freaked. He gets tested every 6 months but I know the gay behavior has escalated with atleast one “partner” and of course know he could b lying. We broke up once b4 for years(we were “friends” first)because I wasn’t sexually happy with him. We started up again just 5 months ago and all the crap has just deepened our intimacy on all levels.

      • July 11, 2015 at 8:33 am

        I’m really having a hard time sympathizing with your struggles with a married man and you, a married woman. He most likely has a strong sex addiction that has escalated really far. You’re not the person who should be “helping” him. He needs to stop seeing you and discuss it with his wife. Chances are he really loves her and you’re just part of his fantasy world. You’re no one to him. For him it’s another way to find shame a guilt through sexual activity. Once they have done and seen everything within their moral compass they keep pushing further and further which sometimes includes having sex with men or fantasizing about it. Each step of their process becomes not enough. Your sex life now that you’re back with him is only better now because it’s exciting to him again. It won’t stay that way and you soon won’t be enough. He most likely is sleeping with a ton of people and has had a ton of relationships just like yours while he was sleeping with you. its a harsh reality. A sex addict has a lot more going on than you know. You need to do more research on the subject. They tend to be the best liars out there. And not too many people even know the real person behind it all.

  • September 16, 2015 at 11:07 am

    I was 27 when I had my first sexual encounter with a man. Up until that point in my life I was completely Hetrosexual and only ever had or wanted to have sex with women.

    One day I was walking through a local park when it became obvious I was being followed by a man on his bike. I had heard rumours about what went on in the park and quickly realised that he might have been cruising for sex. It was only at that point I found myself becoming sexually aroused. Until then it had never crossed my mind. I decided to see what all the fuss was about and we ended up having mutual masturbation and oral sex. Afterwards I felt quite disgusted with myself, and when I got home I showered, cleaned my teeth and swore I wouldn’t do it again.

    Some months later I found myself having to walk through the park again, as it was on my way home. I found myself thinking of the experience I had before, and again found myself getting aroused. This time I did the cruising and end up having sex with another man. The same as before, masturbation and oral.

    Since then I have found myself walking through the park on a regular basis looking for sex with men. And now I even find that I’m participating in anal sex, with a condom – with me doing the penetrating. I’ve also found that I seem to be addicted to porn and sex with anonymous women, not prostitutes. I joined a swinging site just so I could engage in anonymous sex with them and have also particpated in dogging sessions that also take place in the park.

    I find that even though I have sex with other men, I have no feelings or desires other than the thrill of the moment. I don’t think about men, I don’t find men attractive, but I do feel drawn to the forbidden act of sex with a man.

    I feel that I am more addicted to the act of sex than to the person with whom I’m having sex. Even sex with women, for me, is without feeling’s other than the thrill of the act. And even then, it’s more of a thrill with someone I don’t know, rather than having sex with the same person on a regular basis.

    In all cases I find the enjoyment for me, is pleasing the other person. My own pleasure comes from giving them pleasure. Quite often I don’t reach orgasm with the person I’m with.

    I’ve been doing this since losing the love of my life. She didn’t die or anything, but we broke up and it affected me a great deal. Since then I have had a few long term relationships, but each one has broken down, because I apparently lacked commitment.

    I must make this very clear, I was never abused when I was young. Until many years after splitting from the love of my life I had no thoughts or desires to have sex with men. When I did, it was completely opportunistic. But since splitting with my then love, I found the act of sex as just being that, a sexual act without love or emotion for me. But I would always do what I could to please my partner. For my encounters with men, it’s completely different. There is no emotional involvement expected or wanted, and very little or no talking. You both know what you want. For them it seems that orgasm is the ultimate goal, for me, it’s the thrill of the moment, the risk of being caught and the desire to please through their fulfilment. And the fact that I have no emotional attachment.

    I still don’t consider myself to be gay or a closet homosexual. I don’t really consider myself to be bi either. I am physically attracted to women and not men. But even with female FB’s, I find that they always want more than I can give them emotionally. With men, there are no such complications or expectations.

    • December 23, 2016 at 12:05 pm

      I think a lot of guys are in this kind of a situation. I have feelings like this. I like women, but they have pretty much not liked me. They stay away in droves. So, I started watching gay porn. Right at first I didn’t like it at all. I started watching it more and more, and started really liking it. Finally, I just had to have sex with men, and so I did. I don’t know if I’ll ever have sex with a woman again,(It’s been about 15 years) but I know I’ll be with more men. It doesn’t happen often, but I really like it. I am STILL attracted to women.

  • November 11, 2015 at 9:09 am

    I find this article very misleading. There are men married to women who have created a straight identity, however they are gay in secret. They lead their straight life but carry on with men in secret. These men do not desire their wives sexually and sex usually ends in the marriage. The wife is used as a cover. These men may not feel the fit into the gay community they want to present a straight life to the world because they are ashamed of being gay.

  • January 22, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    Debra – this! Exactly my situation. Married 10 years 2 kids. 6 mo ago I see texts between husband and women. Over time I learn: listed himself as bi on adult friend finder, met couple, met multiple women, messaged w men re sex. He said he only met one guy for coffee and then came home “disgusted” with himself. Going through counselling “not bi or gay” he says. Therapist suggests addiction. After we got married it got the point where I had to badger him for sex maybe a few times a year. I am losing my mind.

  • June 1, 2016 at 3:42 am

    My situation is a bit different. I am a straight male who is addicted 2 having sex with transgender women. My first encounter with man I was 17 years old. He was a very effeminate man. He was very much like a female and provided oral sex anytime I desired. I felt the shame after every encounter and after 3 maybe 4 encounters I stopped. After a year or so I discovered transsexual porn and my desire to be with one grew very strong.a couple years later I had a job that enabled me to travel from my small town and it paid very well which enabled me to act out my fantasy and every since that moment I have had so many encounters with transgender women that it out numbers women.to make a long story shorter, I have had a few of my girlfriends find out and one in particular confronted me with it. She understood me and brought me to the reality that I am a sex addict. I am very “straight” within my encounters I never touched a penis outside of mine and never tried or even thought about receiving anal. It’s easy to have sex without the work associated with a female and there is no emotional attachment. I want to be normal again…

    • June 27, 2016 at 7:42 pm

      I know you can get help. look for a someone who specializes in transgender. For us it took telling a few people so there was a support system when you get low and need someone

  • January 28, 2017 at 5:22 am

    Married 12 years , three gorgeous daughters and a perfect husband provider.
    Just found out by a group text from a Washington number he had finally admitted to meeting up for hand jobs. Asked him if there was more. More indeed. Found emails and phone messages between him and men sucking him off and asking for sex in cars. He has claimed to have two affairs early on. These happy endings finally admitted to getting blowjobs with 40+ people. He had still been calling this lady for 10 years just the last week. Why if you’re having sex at home and paying for blowjobs on the side would he need to still have more with whom he is attached to from prior? I’m so lost and want the best for myself and my children but I love him so and want him to be this man I thought he was. Getting with men is just shameful but it has happened and he got caught and claims to want help.
    I feel there is too much lost and more to lose if I stay in the picture. He has been lost almost our entire relationship and I don’t know if he can or wants to change just for the same reasons he has now.
    Any advise would be helpful or a support group for persons traumatized like I am.

    • January 28, 2017 at 11:44 am

      Michelle, your husband is gay. This is who he is. I have been where you are. You should talk to a divorce lawyer to understand your options. Please visit http://www.gayhusbands.com.

      • January 29, 2017 at 11:03 pm

        Coco you don’t know that he’s gay. To say that is ridiculous and means you haven’t done enough research when it comes to sex addiction. It has nothing to do with their sexual preference and more to do with how the act itself gives them the shameful and exciting feeling that they’re looking for. It absolutely doesn’t meant he’s not straight. It means he has serious issues and needs help. And most likely he wishes he wasn’t doing these things either. It would be more helpful if you didn’t pass it as such harsh judgement and read everything she wrote. She also said he was in contact with a woman for over 10 years, does that make him gay too?

    • January 28, 2017 at 11:55 am

      I would suggest a full evaluation by a certified sex addiction therapist (see http://www.sexhelp.com) before deciding whether to divorce. If he is unwilling to get some serious help then you have a choice to make.

      • January 28, 2017 at 9:37 pm

        Linda why do you even allow for comments on here. You don’t even respond to them. I wrote last year. Since that time I decided to divorce my husband who was having high risk sex with dozens of strangers. He tried every excuse in the book including I am depressed, I like extreme sex, I’m an addict. These closeted gay husbands will say anything to keep their cover and are very good at lying even to psychologists. I know my ex fooled a few – even they were taken aback. Please respond to comments on here as people like me are genuinely looking for advice. Or just take it down.

    • January 28, 2017 at 9:26 pm

      Michelle, you say he has been lost for almost your entire 10 year marriage. Do you think Ihe is capable of change even is he said he wanted to? Can you even trust him at all? I think you should seriously consider cutting your losses.

  • January 31, 2017 at 4:30 am

    My husband and I have been married for 23 years, plus we went together for four year before we married.
    Three months ago I found out that my husband has been posting pictures of himself, both partially clothed as well as fully nakedon gay websites for over ten years. I also found out that he registered on swinger websites. In addition, at the start of this new life 10+ years ago, he stopped having relations with me. He claimed he didn’t want to hurt me because I was going thru vaginal atrophy, and even though I remidied that, he kept using the excuse….”I don’t want to hurt you.”
    Upon my confronting him about the gay websites and the swingers website, he said he just did it so that he would receive accolades about his body and private parts and that he never ever cheated on me. However, he did confess to going to at least three men’s residences. He said nothing sexually happened with these men….he just masturbated in front of one of them. I also found out in one of his emails that he asked one gentleman when he would be ready to ‘play again’ …….what am I missing here????
    I have filed for divorce but am so confused regarding his actions. I asked him if he is bi…he said no!! He keeps saying nothing really happened and he loves me beyond words and wants me to stop this divorce action. I have no more love for him…..I am in my late 60s but I just want out…..but he is pleading with me to stop the divorce proceedings. How can I when he has deceived and betrayed me for 10+ years?
    He has since gone to a counselor who says he is a sex addict so therefore my husband feels since he is getting help and has stopped all actions (he says he is cured and ‘sober’ of all sex addiction) that I should forgive him and stop the divorce proceedings.

    • January 31, 2017 at 3:15 pm

      I suggest you check out gayhusbands.com as a resource. I have been in your shoes and empathize.

      • January 31, 2017 at 7:19 pm

        Coco:. Thank you for your reply. My husband told me this past Monday he will leave by the end of the month. This would be best as then I can put the house up for sale. Then today, he changes his tune and thinks I am taking him back. He says only I can make us better and look to a happy future, yet, I found him going thru my things, my briefcase and my purse and on top of everything I found at least 6 pairs of men’s bikini underwear hidden in his closet. He told me he bought them with me last year and he kept them in the closet so he could have them available for bed. I told him don’t insult my intelligence. Trust me I wasn’t with him when he purchased them and why hide them under his t-shirts on the upper shelf on his walk-in closet rather than his underwear draw? I can’t wait for all this to end. His narcissistic personality is wearing very thin on me. Today the doctor found a lump on my breast, I went for a mammogram and ultrasound and thankfully I’m okay. He doctor said I’m under, of course, too much stress. Thank you again, Coco. Angela T.

  • March 30, 2019 at 8:56 pm

    Years ago, we as a married couple were victims of forced sex in a foreign country. Engaging with men in front of one another was torrid, and I, as a female, enjoyed watching my hubby become aroused and orgasmic during anal and performing orally with men.We still incorporate memories of this in our sex lives. Hubby is straight; however, learned he can enjoy sex with men physically. Hubby here, the total loss of control in front of my dear wife, was exciting. Our sex life was actually enhanced by the experience.

    • June 11, 2019 at 2:18 pm

      I’d love to hear more about this ursala

  • May 13, 2019 at 2:57 pm

    Hello. I’m an ordained minister and counselor to clergy. I’m a sex addiction specialist and a sex offender treatment provider. All of my clients are clergy that are grappling with trauma, addictions, and intimacy issues. I have seen this issue many times doing this work. I’ve heard in sessions that intimate, same sex encounters are not considered cheating. I’ve heard that intimate, same sex encounters are less complicated and “easier” to establish for quick, sexual releases without the “trappings of on-going relationships.” I’ve heard quite a bit over the years. None of my clergy clients that have these encounters consider themselves anything other than straight.

  • February 1, 2020 at 9:58 pm

    I’m straight and married to a wonderful female, but I crave to get naked in my knees to suck off and swallow semen from multiple men on occasion. I love my life!

    • February 1, 2020 at 10:03 pm

      OK, does your wife feel OK with all this?

  • August 13, 2020 at 11:16 pm

    What are the chances of a straight man with children who enjoys watching gay porn actually being gay? Is it possible he is hiding his true identity and is afraid of truly being himself?

    • August 23, 2020 at 12:47 am

      Bisexual people exist.


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