15 thoughts on “Narcissists are Hypnotists: How You Can Break the Spell

  • March 21, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    I think this is an incredibly important article. I first came across the suggestion that the victims of Cluster B personalities are indeed hypnotised in Sandra L Brown’s book ‘Women who love psychopaths’. I must say however, you express it extremely well and succinctly too. We do enter the narcissist’s world in a trance, interpreting things, as you say, in terms of what they would do or say.

    I had an interesting experience in my own healing journey which is relevant. I had therapy with a specialist in narcissism over the course of several months. She was very empathic and experienced in the subject, both in her range of clients and in her own life. However, long after the therapy ended I still experienced the cognitive dissonance, unending obtrusive thoughts and so forth. I had one session with a different therapist who was direct to the point of bluntness in her questions. There was no rappport. I came away feeling cheated of the fee I had paid her but, quite surprisingly I felt much better! Why was that? I realise now her no-nonsense broke the spell I was under. It was simple, quick and effective (though I doubt she knew at any conscious level, just how effective this approach was).

    Now, whenever I find myself going back in to that painful trance state when unwanted images and memories float through my brain I try to remember to snap my fingers and tell myself to “Wake up!”. It is an extremely effective technique and works almost instantly.

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    • March 21, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      Alan-
      Thanks to you for the excellent comment!
      Linda

      Reply
  • March 21, 2014 at 7:41 pm

    It’s true. It’s a great comment. “Nice’ and “charming” and “easy to be around” does not mean “effective.”

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  • November 6, 2014 at 12:41 am

    Its been six months now and althpugh I fully accept it is over and there is no going back I still find myself constantly thinking about him, missing him and panicking at the same time. The thought of him coming anywhere near me fills me with repulsion and horror, it isn’t going to happen if I can help it yet these thoughts I cannot escape from. I have tried dating and the guilt was incredible, even now I feel guilty. Guilty about any bad feelings or negative anti ex thoughts, its crazy he brainwashed me like this without me even realising what was going on. I condition myself now on hourly basis, just like he used to do to me together. He practised all those mind games, NLP and hypnotist techniques so I should really of seen it coming, although one really cannot prepare for the crazy outcome when it arrives.
    I have purchased book upon book of forgiveness, I am at that stage it is just the mental torture I am punishing myself with that I am unable to deal with. I cannot find anything that has worked to release these thoughts, and what worries me greatly is that I will be a bitter old spinster trapped in this cycle forever, meanwhile that asshole has progressed without a care in the world. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been in this type of relationship can understand the hold it has and the damages done. I had suffered PTSD after the split, to some degree it is still there. I must have written a few thousand letters never sent to deal with the emotions, and that isn’t the problem.
    There seems to be little about dealining with being brainwashed on the internet outside a vault, although that is pretty much what it was like. The application of release do not relate to me. Its a terrible spell I am under. It consumes my day, my thoughts, and sthe still controls my life without being anywhere near me.
    I remind myself of the bad stuff every time a thought pops up and flick the elastic band on my wrist then think of nice unrelated happy things as suggested elsewhere but it doesn’t seem to be working. The first three months of the split I was fine, it was my decision to leave and I have remained NC for the entirety. My ex was a textbook narcissist sociopath and we were together five years, so much heartache from 3 months in – relentless pain. I am still very much trapped and cannot escape.

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    • November 6, 2014 at 7:10 am

      Birdy, I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling and what you are going through. As a fellow sufferer I CAN understand what you are feeling.

      Six months is still a short period of time and you must have compassion for yourself and know that there is nothing wrong with you in still feeling the way you do. Your whole model of the world has been overturned. It really will take time to put in place a different model in which you trust yourself first and others only when they have demonstrated by their actions and not just their words what they are like. That does not mean you will be a “bitter old spinster”, but it means you will have healthy boundaries and be cautious of toxic people. That is a good thing.

      I would say to you to drop the idea of forgiveness. I think it’s appropriate in the normal course of things when we all can be less than perfect and mess up. Forgiveness there will depend on a mutual understanding of the hurt caused, remorse and a desire to make amends. When dealing with a pathologically toxic person that will not happen. Their whole mode of being is one of lies and manipulation. You really owe them nothing and the normal rules of society do not apply.

      It would be better to be kind to yourself when you remember and catch yourself in the middle of the mental storm you still find yourself in. That bit you CAN control. Say, oops, there it goes again. It is NOT my fault. My brain is healing, trying to come to a new understanding. The layer of pain is still there but try not to put that extra layer of judgment on yourself for not being further on.

      It will ease in time, I promise you.

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    • December 8, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      Birdy,
      My story is so similar to yours it is scary! Thank you for articulating how you feel. It is something I haven’t been able to do. Seeing your account of your experience has been very helpful and I’d just like to say thank you, for sharing. Wishing you peace and strength as you find your way back to you.
      Deb

      Reply
  • February 1, 2015 at 11:45 pm

    Birdy, wow. I feel the same way. So hard to break away. Married to it for 19 years. I’ m determined to plow foward a let time help me pass this. It is hard to watch her go foward happy as can be like nothing ever happened.

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  • September 27, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Married 27 years and ex cheated the whole time. He was very controlling and alternated between loving and cold. Had to be in charge of everything , Cub Scout leader, lector at church, coach. Everyone saw him as a good guy. 20 years into the marriage one of his numerous mistresses ‘ outed him’ because she found out he had others. He spilled all (15-20 affairs) and promised to be faithful. He was for about 6 years then started again. I divorced him and 8 months later he started with new woman and has moved in with her. Why does it hurt so much when I know he’s a bad guy. Can’t get him out of my head. He says I should have just separated from him and gone back to counseling with him. New girlfriend contacted me to tell me what I should have done. He coldly told me that he is not responsible for my happiness and won’t feel guilty. There is now no contact, he’s apparently happy with new young girlfriend and I miss him terribly.

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  • March 3, 2017 at 4:57 am

    Sounds to me that the Dr. who wrote this article is the narcissist herself! And I disagree with her 100% and with this article. For your information Hypnotist don’t talk about themselves! This is nonsense, their job is to listen to the client so they can use their own information back into their subconscious in a positive way.

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    • March 6, 2017 at 9:35 am

      Interesting observation. And I had a similar view of this article and about how it was scapegoating certain people and stereotypes. Some of the article raises good points on the importance of the topics, but the analogies seem odd and not quite right. Ironically, a skilled manipulator can seem caring and use half truths and seem to be on the proper side of things, but ultimately not have true interest in other’s views, nor feelings. It is a very complex problem at all levels of society. A few good examples of this topic are in books by Dr. Scott Peck and Dr. Martha Stout.

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    • March 6, 2017 at 11:37 am

      I fear you have misunderstood the article. The author is not saying a narcissist is *literally* a hypnotist. The point is that the “echo” or victim of the narcissist is under a spell, a hypnotic spell.

      Reply
  • June 21, 2017 at 12:02 am

    After 2 years of BS i finally had enough. I was so turned off even before i planned my great escape. I was hoovered, yes, and heart broke but only for a short period of time. It got to a point where i had to always be one up on him. Always had to be on guard. This last time round my heart saved me because i couldn’t understand why i always felt sad & i didn’t know why? Could be past triggers being triggered and/or I honestly think it had to do with his energy i was picking up on. He leads a sad self-sabotage life. Aka jekly/hyde borderline and sure enough he’s got himself a new target that just praises and worships the ground he walks on.I’ve come to accept him for what he is and the mission he’s on. I no longer have anything to do with him. Why should i give my power away to a piece of slime like that. Ppl have to accept things for what they are. I am not going to sugar coat anything when it comes down to my emotional & mental health. It is what it is. Time to move on and learn to love yourself, learn to be alone, stay single, and be aware because these ppl exactly know how to sniff you out & hunt you down. They will never STOP! They gotta have fuel/supply in order to survive.

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  • October 23, 2017 at 11:39 am

    How does a person break this “spell”? My sister is married to the monster. When she is away from him for a period of time, you can see her true self begin to restore…then he calls or finds some way to contact her so that she hears his voice and her whole demeanor changes. She becomes meek and self-blaming all over again.
    He is publicly verbally and mentally abusive. Physically abusive also, but she covers it up for him.
    How can we help her break the spell and get out????

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  • December 3, 2017 at 10:17 pm

    Recently I was chatting with a woman on Facebook complaining about my husband. She responded, “I’m married to a narcissist too.” I’ve heard the term but didn’t really know what it meant. So I did some web searching on the topic. That is when I realized that I’m married to a narcissist! It’s always about him and his needs and what he wants. I was diagnosed with M.S. Two years ago and yet it’s still all about him. When I try to tell him how I’m feeling he always turns the convention around to how he feels. When we do talk about my M.S. It’s in terms of how my M.S. Effects him, not how it effects me. He gets upset when I put makeup on for work and makes him think I’m trying to get the attention of another man. He fakes having nightmares, pretends he’s sick, or throws temper tantrums to get my attention. He’s even woken me in the middle of the night by screaming and yelling and throwing things. He doesn’t seem to care at all that I’m exhausted all of the time and absolutely have to get my rest. He doesn’t care about what having M.S. Is doing to me. Why, even when I’m doing my injection he will bellow for me repeatedly. He’s driving me crazy!

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