Archives for Relationships

General

Gaslighting and Mind Control Disable Rational Thought: How to Resist

Authoritarian mind control techniques are hazardous to your mental health in ways that bypass rational thought.

Gaslighting, brainwashing, cults, hostage situations, and totalitarian propaganda have a common basis. They use similar techniques to confuse, intimidate and disempower people.  These methods are used by abusers of all kinds for the purpose of controlling other people, and promoting the abusers' interests.

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Gender

Sexual Harassment: Do we have “Larger Problems” to Worry About?

How important is this issue of men getting away with unwanted or humiliating sexual behavior toward women?  I would argue that it has a very long tail.  A New York Times article about the impact of the Access Hollywood tape on couples reported that many women who had been sexually assaulted earlier in life had never told their husbands or anyone else for that matter.  Never, that is, until the so-called locker room talk...
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Diagnosis

Therapy-Interfering Behaviors: Crucial, Predictable, and Often Ignored

Therapists, particularly those treating sex addiction and in the addiction field generally, are familiar with therapy-interfering behaviors. Frequent lateness or failing to show up for appointments, fomenting conflict with the therapist, and many other forms of direct and indirect ways of undermining the process.  As with problem behaviors generally, these are maladaptive attempts to solve a problem.

I first encountered an analysis of therapy-interfering behaviors in the work of Dr. Marsha M. Linehan.  Dr....
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General

Is Trump a Sex Addict?


The temptation to diagnose Donald Trump from a distance is hard to resist.  So I've been sorting through the evidence for and against #Trumpisasexaddict.  And if he's not, then what's wrong with him?

I don't know where to start with Trump's sexual indicators and behaviors.  I mean, who buys a beauty pageant?  Actually he bought three of them.  It's like the bad old joke about the gay teenager's wealthy father offering to buy his son...
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General

Why Isn’t Married Sex “Hot”? And Should it be?

Does married sex really need to imitate porn and sex addiction? If sex in a long-term relationship was, on average, as erotically compelling as other kinds of sexual encounters, then about half of all books, plays and movies and other forms of entertainment would never exist. And that's not even counting the various forms of X-rated cultural products.

Certainly many comedians would be out of a job. You...
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General

Why You Should Stop Calling Sex Addicts “Perpetrators”

People who have been on the receiving end of a sex addict's betrayal, manipulation, lies, and other forms of uncaring and abusive behavior experience serious emotional trauma. Lives are torn apart, children are affected, families are alienated and as if that weren't enough there are often dire health and/or financial consequences.

But is any given sex addict really a perpetrator?  A psychopath?  Well, they could be.  And there is no doubt...
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General

“Merry Christmas, I’m a Sex Addict”! When to Tell Your Parents and Family


Although full disclosure to a partner or spouse is considered essential to recovery, telling your parents, your grown up children, your relatives or your in-laws that you are a sex addict can be a good idea or a very bad idea depending on a number of factors. Of the scores of sex addicts I have treated, each one has had a unique situation in confronting the fallout from this question. There...
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General

Lovers or Sex Buddies?

Many sex addicts don't know how to date. They crave a normal relationship but do not have a realistic picture of what a good relationship might look like - or how to get there. By the same token, they may think they are dating you when what they are actually doing is using their time with you as one of their acting out behaviors.

Even for non-addicts the term "dating" is ambiguous and increasingly hard...
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General

Does “Yes” Mean “Yes”? Sexual Consent, Manipulation and Gaslighting

Revelations in recent years as to the extent of sexual assault on campuses, in the military and in other institutional settings has lead to some changes in the idea of what constitutes "consent" to a sexual act. There is increasing recognition that simply failing to say the word "no" does not automatically imply consent in the sense of actual willingness to do the act in question. Hence the new standard that only "yes"...
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Gay-Straight

New Report: What’s Popular in Pornography?

Reading the statistics on what kinds of pornography people are watching is a little like the proverbial can't-look-away-from-the-car-crash. It is appalling yet fascinating at the same time. It's not recommended reading for the recovering sex addict, but I'll attempt to summarize some of the more interesting bits.

, which is happy to say it is the number 1 porn site in the world, published this exhaustive review of worldwide porn use for 2014.

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