44 thoughts on “The Psychological Birth of the Adoptive Mother

  • April 11, 2019 at 8:05 pm

    “This led Siegel and Hartzell (2003, p. 34) to state that “adoptive parents should in fact be called biological parents because the family experiences they create shape the biological structure of their child’s brain.””

    As an adoptee, I can’t begin to tell you how very wrong this man is!

    Reply
    • April 12, 2019 at 7:39 am

      Thanks for the interesting comment. I believe that it can sometimes be difficult to bond with an adoptive child. Is that what you mean? In that case the family experiences would not be imprinted in the same way as with a biological child.

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      • April 13, 2019 at 3:03 am

        interesting comment? Perhaps the children don’t want to ” bond ” with strangers ? Even newborns recognise their mothers.

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      • April 13, 2019 at 8:12 am

        I agree with your comment. If the bonding process doesn’t happen with the adopted child, the outcome can be very challenging. Of course, parents don’t always connect with a biological child either but I believe there are some physiological factors that make it easier to do so.

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      • April 18, 2019 at 9:59 am

        Bonding is a very specific biological process. Bonding happens ONLY between the mother and her unborn child. The child bonds with mother while in utero. In addition to sharing nutrients, and antibodies, the mother’s cells pass into the baby and the baby’s cells pass into the mother. Each carries the other’s cells inside their own separate bodies for life. But that isn’t bonding. Bonding is the emotional and psychological symbiotic relationship between the mother and her infant. This bonding contuses through the birthing process and breastfeeding. It lasts up to three months. After that, socialization occurs. The infant gradually becomes aware of other people., including father. This is attachment. The infant attaches to all other people, this is not bonding.

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      • April 17, 2019 at 9:07 pm

        I would take a stab in the dark and guess reference was to biological shaping / structure of the brain beginning with the removal from family of origin and this underpins any further restructuring that is attempted through the journey of life that involves adoption. It amazes me how many theoretical experts make statements and reinforce the mythology around this topic without due care for the psyches of those with lived experience nor due dilligence in referencing the same to see whether their perceived facts correlate to those that have actually walked the road and come home to themself along the way. I think this article would be abhorrent for a lot of adults adopted as infants?

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      • April 18, 2019 at 12:37 am

        It’s not an “interesting comment.” Adoptees are telling you that adoptive families and biological families are not the same, and those terms are not interchangeable.

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      • April 19, 2019 at 7:44 am

        Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Please see my reply below.

        Reply
  • April 13, 2019 at 7:36 pm

    Sorry it’s so challenging to take another family’s child and pretend it’s your own. That must be really hard for you.

    Also, don’t call us “replacements.” It’s obviously adoptive parents who are the replacements.

    Try listening to Adopted People.

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    • April 15, 2019 at 8:23 am

      It is challenging to bond with a baby but that is not the fault of the baby. I am saying that adoptive parents must work very hard to achieve the kind of deep bonding that makes for healthy children.
      It is hard for biological parents to adequately bond as well.

      I appreciate your comments. You are right. The children are not replacements. The parents as replacements must be very committed in order to provide a safe and loving environment.

      Reply
  • April 17, 2019 at 12:32 pm

    I’m an adoptee, and this quote right here: “This led Siegel and Hartzell (2003, p. 34) to state that ‘adoptive parents should in fact be called biological parents because the family experiences they create shape the biological structure of their child’s brain.‘“

    …is an excellent example of why we need more adopted people leading research about adoption.

    The language we use in adoption is INCREDIBLY important. In a lot of adoptees brains, our families aren’t divided into the artificial binary of “biological” vs. “adoptive.” They’re all simply our relatives. Which relatives are genetic and which relatives are legally appointed makes no difference to us mentally or emotionally. It’s the divisive language that society and the adoption industry has chosen that forces us to play along with divisions between families that we don’t necessarily see or feel ourselves.

    These researchers would have done well to interview actual adopted people and include their views of family in their study.

    Please don’t declare yourself to be something your adopted child very likely does not view you as. You’re a parent, yes. Biological? Absolutely not. Let actual adopted people choose the words we use to describe the web of genetic and legal family relationships in adoption. Thank you!

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    • April 19, 2019 at 7:30 am

      I agree with your comment. I don’t believe that adoptive parents should be considered as biological parents. You are quite right in stating that adoptees should be consulted and the language in regard to their parents, respected.

      Adoptive parents may “shape…their child’s brain” if the child is adopted as an infant. But, as you say, it is more appropriate to call them “relatives” and not make the artificial distinction between biological and adoptive parents.

      Reply
  • April 17, 2019 at 12:40 pm

    With whistle blowers putting the needed child takings at 10% and 90% to 97.7% of natural moms asking to keep their child, how does it relate that a child pull most likely be abused before adoption. Yes the act of taking a child from all it knows and placing it in a strangers house is abusive. But where is the logic that since you took a child you must lie about it’s past?

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  • April 17, 2019 at 1:56 pm

    Reaching for straws? Desperation? Strangers who take a child and raise it are just that to the child, strangers. The trauma that causes the child needs recognition.

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  • April 17, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    More mindbending language. Can we officially call adoption a cult now?!

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  • April 17, 2019 at 4:45 pm

    Good and important article, but, as an adoptee, that Siegel and Hartzell bit at the end is a real slap in the face. Surely you must realize decades of US adoption policy has been driven by the ill-considered, behaviorism-derived “as if born to” mythology that denies us our reality/identity. In truth, I have biological parents, and I have adoptive parents. These are the concrete facts for any adopted child. Yes, the *biological* brain will be shaped by experiences, but to draw false equivalencies hurts children by denying their loss/difference. Adoptive parents are not the same as biological parents. And, that’s okay. It has to be. After adoption, it is our reality. We are far more likely to thrive in it if we feel all our parents can too.

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  • April 17, 2019 at 10:47 pm

    If a person identifies as the person they were when they were born, with the ancestry they had when they were born – that is not an unusual way to feel!! But this is actually illegal if you are an adoptee.

    An adopted person is forced to live with a false birth certificate as the basis of their identity, severed from their ancestry and kin for all time, and their future generations are also severed from their true history.

    Adopted people are the subject of preposterous and unconscionable intrusion by mid-level bureaucrats into their private family lives as adults, and of Draconian, restrictive and discriminatory legislation which would cause an outcry if similar was inflicted on other minority groups.

    All adoptees are forced to use a lie as the basis of their identity – that they were born to and are biologically related to the people who adopted them and their extended family and ancestry, and completely unrelated to their own. Surely, in this day and age we can confer parental custody and rights and achieve connection in a much less clumsy and inhumane manner?

    No matter when or how an adoptee finds out who they were, knowing who they used to be is not the same as still being that person.

    In the same way as a prisoner can see freedom through a jail cell window, but no-one would call that freedom, if an adoptee is ‘allowed’ to see who they used to be, and who they used to be related to, that is not the same as actually being related to your family. Being related to family is something most non-adopted people take for granted, in the same way as breathing is hardly noticed – unless it’s not there anymore.

    Simultaneously with the replaced and falsified birth certificate and identity, what people just don’t seem to understand is the lifelong impact on adoptees of their families not being considered to be related to them anymore. This loss is actually a big deal. Funnily enough, it’s something human beings care about. Exclusion / being outcast / ostracism from the ‘tribe’ is something which used to be done to punish if not kill, and human beings are sensitive to the most minor forms of social rejection, let alone something on the scale of being permanently severed from their own ancestry and extended family group. This matters. Whether you see them or not. Whether they are alive or dead.

    Perhaps it’s the sheer inconceivability of this form of socially sanctioned ostracism that makes it so hard for those who aren’t adopted to understand. Adoptees are not next of kin to their own mothers. Adoptees are considered to be no more related their own mothers than they are to a stranger in the street, and they could marry their mother, or their sister, brother, or father in South Australia. Adoptees are not related to their great, great grandmothers. Adoptee’s children are not related to their grandmother or grandfather. When adoptees fill in a form which asks for their name, or their mother’s maiden name, they are forced to lie.

    All the people doing family research, how about swapping with your neighbour? It shouldn’t matter. Have theirs. See how passionately interested you are in poring over their old photos, and in what their great grandfather’s nose looked like, and if you get a sense of pride that he fought in World War II… Or take a different newborn from the hospital – apparently DNA doesn’t matter if there is enough love. This is the world adopted people live in every day.
    Adoptee heritage is worth so little it is obliterated and replaced, but everywhere else – outside of adoption – the importance and value of an individual’s ancestry and history is recognised and celebrated.

    Ancestry and identity do matter, and not just when it is convenient. This applies whether or not a child can live with their kin, or whether they are in care, whether they are in the high demand newborn category, or an older child. It applies in the rare but frequently used example of an actual “orphan” without living parents and extended family. Both newborns and orphans already have birth certificates, history, identity, ancestry, truth. Vulnerability should not justify being forced to exchange further losses for survival.

    By all means, if a child truly cannot live with their family, firm up Guardianship. Look at introducing legislation to give more of a legal and social connection. Have a commitment ceremony. Let’s work on improving all of that, not on severing more generations from their roots.

    And if you still want to “do” adoption, at least be honest. This is about the adopter only – catering to their “entitlement” to own a child of “their own”. But no matter all the delusion and pretence they will never be anything but replacement carers. There is no need to change the truth into a lie so that a child can be cared for. Anyone who ‘needs’ to do that should not have care of a vulnerable child.

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    • May 10, 2019 at 6:14 pm

      Yes! Yes, yes.

      Reply
      • May 11, 2019 at 6:19 pm

        Ellen, Not much you can comment to Sharyn’s post is – the facts as expressed by an adoptee with lived experience

        Reply
  • April 18, 2019 at 12:34 am

    Siegel and Hartzell (2003, p. 34) to state that “adoptive parents should in fact be called biological parents because the family experiences they create shape the biological structure of their child’s brain.” – This is absolutely, unequivocally wrong in every single way. Adoptive parents ARE NOT biological parents, should not be referred to as such, and should not pretend as such. An adopted child’s entire life history is erased, and now the adopters want to lie about biology too?

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    • April 19, 2019 at 7:43 am

      Hi, Angie,

      I have not turned off comments. I have finally had the time to read them all carefully. I agree with your statement that adoptive parents should not be called biological. The child should be told the truth.

      If a child is adopted as an infant her biological identity would be erased if she doesn’t have access to that family line. That in itself would be a terrible loss. Is that what you are referring to when you say that her life history would be erased? Could she not create a new life history with her adoptive family? I am hoping that you will respond and expand on that comment.

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      • April 19, 2019 at 11:24 am

        When children are adopted, their family line IS erased. They are given to strangers who change their name and pretend that the child is biologically theirs. Even the birth certificate, which is a legal document, is altered to perpetuate this myth. Please don’t say it “would be” erased and it “would be” a terrible loss- it IS erased, and it IS a terrible loss, and even the best adoptive family on the planet is not a replacement for the gaping wound created by losing access to the biological mother. At this point everyone knows that infants bond with the mother in the womb and are born knowing and wanting her (and no one else). That is not something that can be substituted or replaced.

        Certainly there are adoptees that build real relationships with their adoptive family, but there are many who never do. It is vitally important that we change the narrative of adoption that handing a baby, or even a toddler or young child, to strangers is this beautiful thing that creates families. In order to a family to be created, a family must first be destroyed, and it is the adopted person who bears all of that damage. If you agree with all of our responses about that quote, maybe it’s time to challenge it or remove it from your article.

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  • April 18, 2019 at 10:24 am

    “This led Siegel and Hartzell (2003, p. 34) to state that “adoptive parents should in fact be called biological parents because the family experiences they create shape the biological structure of their child’s brain.” This is reassuring in that my husband and I met our child literally as a stranger in a foreign country, yet we managed to form a family.”

    We need to get away from magical thinking as it leads to mental illness. People who fantasize and believe their fantasies are delusional.

    Adoptive parents who can’t accept their role in their adoptee’s life ought to seek therapy. The adoptee is the product of someone else’s sperm, egg and uterus. Another mother conceived, gestated, and gave birth. The adoptee must adjust to, and accept, reality. So why can’t adoptive parents? Also, the child’s natural parents must accept reality that they are not their child’s social and legal parent.

    Let’s start with the revoked, sealed and replaced birth certificate upon the finalization of adoption. Why is this even legal to do? Why are adoptees’ birth certificates removed and annulled? Why are they sealed? Why is it legal to then issue a false-fact birth certificate that renames the child, and swaps the names of the actual parents for the new legal parents? THIS is crazy-making. These are lies to protect the adopters from interference from the natural parents and to make the adopters feel as if they gave birth.

    There is a global movement to end this nearly 100 year old discrimination against adopted people.

    I was born Doris Michol Sippel. Fifteen months later, my adoption changed my name to Joan Wheeler. New York State stole my birth certificate, sealed it, and replaced it with a new one claiming that Joan was born. NOPE. Joan was adopted. That is the truth. I changed my name back to my name of birth and am currently in legal proceedings to unseal my birth certificate because it should never have been taken from me.

    Scotland has one birth certificate and one adoption certificate per adoptee. This is how it should be! Acceptance of the truth.

    But adoptive parents seem to want to deny reality.

    Calling adoptive parents biological parents because they somehow alter the child’s brain is like saying that a favorite aunt or grandparent should be called a biological parent as well because of how the child’s brain is shaped by that positive relationship. How about calling our best friends our biological parents as well? All those happy hormones racing through must be counted!

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  • April 18, 2019 at 5:17 pm

    Have you turned off comments because you don’t like adoptees sharing their real, lived experiences and opinions?

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  • April 19, 2019 at 1:36 pm

    We need to get away from magical thinking as it leads to mental illness. People who fantasize and believe their fantasies are delusional.

    Adoptive parents who can’t accept their role in their adoptee’s life ought to seek therapy. The adoptee is the product of someone else’s sperm, egg and uterus. Another mother conceived, gestated, and gave birth. The adoptee must adjust to, and accept, reality. So why can’t adoptive parents? Also, the child’s natural parents must accept reality that they are not their child’s social and legal parent.

    Let’s start with the revoked, sealed and replaced birth certificate upon the finalization of adoption. Why is this even legal to do? Why are adoptees’ birth certificates removed and annulled? Why are they sealed? Why is it legal to then issue a false-fact birth certificate that renames the child, and swaps the names of the actual parents for the new legal parents? THIS is crazy-making. These are lies to protect the adopters from interference from the natural parents and to make the adopters feel as if they gave birth.

    There is a global movement to end this nearly 100 year old discrimination against adopted people.

    Scotland has one birth certificate and one adoption certificate per adoptee. This is how it should be! Acceptance of the truth.

    But adoptive parents seem to want to deny reality.

    Calling adoptive parents biological parents because they somehow alter the child’s brain is like saying that a favorite aunt or grandparent should be called a biological parent as well because of how the child’s brain is shaped by that positive relationship. How about calling our best friends our biological parents as well? All those happy hormones racing through must be counted!

    Reply
  • April 19, 2019 at 6:22 pm

    If you are really reading these comments you will know that I submitted a second comment because I thought you weren’t allowing my first comment to be published. You can delete the second one as it is very similar to the first one!

    Reply
    • April 21, 2019 at 9:12 am

      The comments from adoptees have given me a new perspective on adoption. It seems that many articles and research studies have focused on the adoptive parents and not the children who are adopted. The point of view of the children has been ignored. I can’t remove the study by Siegel and Hartzell because it has already been published. The article that you reference is by Dr. Ponder who is an adoptive parent herself. I am not as informed as she would be on adoption studies but I understand the point that is being made.

      The losses felt by adopted children are tragic. It is a loss of biological and social identity as well as the sense that one is rejected by parents who feel unable to provide care. I certainly support the idea of open adoption so that a person can find and identify biological parents. I believe that laws are being changed in that direction but not as quickly as they should be.

      I agree with the idea that the rights of adopted children are not being considered. They are the “out-group”, the “other.” The focus has been on the perspective of the parents who are “saving” a child by providing a so-called “better life.” There are similarities to other oppressed groups wherein the dominant group defines and describes them to suit their own needs and fantasies.

      While the bond with the biological mother is incredibly strong, I do believe that a child can bond or attach with another person if that person is sufficiently and dependably engaged. But even that bond doesn’t eradicate the loss of the biological parents.

      This is not all on the biological mother, however. The biological father has a part in the decision to place a child for adoption. If a child is the product of rape or if the mother has no financial support from the father or family, adoption or abortion may be her only choice.

      I would like to hear more about ideas to preserve and protect the connection to an adopted child’s biological family. What are the better solutions? Certainly one path is consciousness-raising. I know that I will never look at the problem in the same way again after the thoughtful comments that have been made. What else can be done? Is this also about unwanted pregnancies or unprotected sex? I would appreciate your comments.

      Reply
      • April 21, 2019 at 10:34 am

        Thankyou for listening, Ellen!

        Just quickly,

        – The majority of adoptees are *adults* not adopted children – and the pain and suffering goes on for life. We are forced to live with a false identity and severed from our ancestry not just as children but for life and beyond death.

        – you say that you support “Open” adoption, but are you aware that even though someone might know who they used to be, and who they used to be related to, their identity is still replaced, and their ancestry and kin ties are still severed – whether they are aware of or see their family or not.

        – and you talk about ‘last resort’ style adoptions (mother raped etc) and that it may be an either/or situation of adoption or abortion. As so many in the adoption communities say – the alternative to adoption is not abortion, it’s parenting.

        …and in a truly ‘last resort’ situation – even with a “true” orphan where there is no-one living to take care of the child, there is still no need to replace ANY child-then-adult’s birth certificate and sever their relationships with their family (living or dead) to be able to provide care.

        The mother usually, and sometimes the father have been deemed as gatekeepers – given the power to obliterate a person’s right to remain related to their entire extended family and ancestry, when all they should be allowed to rescind is their *parenting* role. We need to examine this bizarre practice in Western society.

        Alternatives? Better solutions? Obviously family preservation and support come first – but the power imbalance between families and the entitlement of potential adopters who think they can *own* someone else’s child often take precedence. And where all the support in the world won’t help and a child needs to be cared for by others, long-term guardianship which respects the child’s identity and doesn’t force the child to trade everything they have for the care they should get by right.

        Reply
      • April 26, 2019 at 2:53 am

        Ellen, I commend you for being open minded enough to see what adopted people are trying to say rather than shut us down. You say the article is by Ponder, and she is the adoptive parent. I hope you will share these comments with her.

        I’m curious, are you an adoptive parent as well, or are you touched by adoption in any way? Because, unfortunately as you have seen, the focus has been on the adoptive parents and, sometimes, birth mothers, but rarely on the adoptive person. Many studies I have read do not go in depth enough, or follow people long enough, to get a true picture of the damage adoption does to both adoptees and birth families.

        You ask for better solutions- the first solution is to reduce adoption so that it becomes a rare choice- both international and domestic. Other countries like Australia have already done this. The issue is not “unwanted” pregnancies, because very few pregnancies carried to term are of unwanted children. The issue is that there are still not enough societal supports for young women who want to keep their child, but who are instead fed the line that they are too young, too poor, undereducated, don’t have enough family support, are selfishly denying their child a better life, etc. They are also still told by adoption agencies that adoption will have no effect on their child (lies) and that open adoptions are enforceable and they will always know about their child (more lies). Most birth mothers deeply regret their decision to place a child for adoption.

        We also need, as a society, to kill the message that just because someone wants to be a mother but can’t biologically bear a child it means they have the right to do so by any means necessary. This includes infant adoption and surrogacy. No one- literally, no one- has the right to someone else’s child, or someone else’s body to produce a child. Adoption (and surrogacy) are almost always the last option, which means the children produced this way are second choices; we know it, and we always feel it, no matter how good the adoptive parent(s) are.
        Infant and toddler adoption is baby buying- essentially human trafficking.

        Children have the right to know their biology and their heritage, and it is denied them legally through adoption. Names are changed. Birth certificates are falsified. Just try to imagine going through your whole life not only NOT knowing who you are, but also knowing that there are people out there, possibly even in your city, who are related to you that you don’t have the right to know. It’s mind boggling. It’s mind boggling that we treat this as normal.

        I could go on for pages, but I’ll stop there. There are numerous groups and forums on FB run by adoptees that discuss all of these issues, and I hope you will take the time to seek them out. Family Preservation, Dear Adoption, The Truth About Adoption, are just a few.

        Thank you.

        Reply
      • April 28, 2019 at 10:15 am

        Hi, Angie,

        Once again you are giving me a very different perspective on adoption. Are you a psychologist? You seem very insightful about these issues.

        I am not adopted nor did I adopt. My experience has been with my nephew who adopted two children from Russia. He and his wife were there for six weeks attempting to bond with the children. They adopted a girl of three and a boy of 18 months who were siblings. All were born to a girl of 13 and her oldest child had frozen to death. The boy still didn’t walk but learned within a few weeks of being with his adoptive parents. Sadly the parents changed their names to American names though they had beautiful Russian names. Their lives have been far from perfect. The parents are fundamentalist Christian and the home is very contentious. The girl is extremely quiet and the boy has been involved in shop-lifting and porn. In Russia they probably would have died. It is a conundrum. That is, should they have been rescued from a likely early death or have their lives been worth living? I certainly don’t have the answer.

        We live in a society that does not love its children. We don’t support mothers who are alone or indigent. I am not sure that will change any time soon. Our culture prizes money and power and those who don’t have it are left to fend for themselves.

        But you are saying that no woman has the right to take another woman’s child. I believe there are unwanted children both living with their biological parents or adoptive parents. It seems that adoptive parents at least profess to want the children they adopt. But from the child’s perspective this still is unacceptable since the child loses his or her identity and biological and cultural heritage. It reminds me of the time in the 1950’s when Native American children were taken from the families and give to white
        parents with the idea that they would have a “better life.”

        Are you saying that no adoptions should occur? Practically speaking where will the children go? I welcome your thoughts.

        Reply
  • April 28, 2019 at 12:13 pm

    Well I’m submitting this for a second time…..

    – The majority of adoptees are *adults* not adopted children – and the pain and suffering goes on for life. We are forced to live with a false identity and severed from our ancestry not just as children but for life and beyond death.

    – you say that you support “Open” adoption, but are you aware that even though someone might know who they used to be, and who they used to be related to, their identity is still replaced, and their ancestry and kin ties are still severed – whether they are aware of or see their family or not.

    – and you talk about ‘last resort’ style adoptions (mother raped etc) and that it may be an either/or situation of adoption or abortion. As so many in the adoption communities say – the alternative to adoption is not abortion, it’s parenting.

    …and in a truly ‘last resort’ situation – even with a “true” orphan where there is no-one living to take care of the child, there is still no need to replace ANY child-then-adult’s birth certificate and sever their relationships with their family (living or dead) to be able to provide care.

    The mother usually, and sometimes the father have been deemed as gatekeepers – given the power to obliterate a person’s right to remain related to their entire extended family and ancestry, when all they should be allowed to rescind is their *parenting* role. We need to examine this bizarre practice in Western society.

    Alternatives? Better solutions? Obviously family preservation and support come first – but the power imbalance between families and the entitlement of potential adopters who think they can *own* someone else’s child often take precedence. And where all the support in the world won’t help and a child needs to be cared for by others, long-term guardianship which respects the child’s identity and doesn’t force the child to trade everything they have for the care they should get by right.

    Reply
    • April 29, 2019 at 8:12 am

      Hi, Sharyn,

      Thanks for your comment. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. Yes. What you say makes sense. Adoptive parents should not be able to erase the child’s identity and birth ancestry. I was not aware that adoptive parents were given this power. Pressure should be brought to bear to change the laws in this regard.

      I think we are finally coming to realize that children are human from the moment of birth on and that we cannot disregard their feelings at any point in their lives.

      Support for parents who are young or indigent should be in place but it is not at this point in our society. Some people are trying to prevent abortion but are making no effort to support mothers once they have babies. The biological fathers also need to accept responsibility for the children they have sired but, too often, they don’t.

      Again, thanks for your comments.

      Reply
  • May 11, 2019 at 2:14 am

    Do you think you are a narcissist yourself? Or have a need to justify removing and withholding someone else’s child from them?
    As a mother I find your term Pathological birth offensive. Just as I find the false birth certificate stating a stranger gave birth to someone else child abhorrent and insulting and beyond depraved.
    But you, as an infertile woman, feel entitled to use that word, because of your privilege and your entitlement. And your own disassociation from your own body?
    That’s how this whole paper reads. Trying to be clever, making very real tangible bonds and connections into whims and indulgences and delusions. That lead you to think your entitled to someone else’s child.
    Giving birth is a physiological process.
    Only a mother gives birth.
    There is blood, there are feelings, there is heart beat, there is communication between mother and child.
    Then there is interference by predatory people so deluded they think they have a right to intervene in a mother’s very primal. Time with her own child
    Do you think you could use another word other than birth . How about journey. Or

    How about the self promotion in one’s own mental contructed narrative to justify the very brutal removal and withholding of someone else’s child and the grafting onto your unresolved infertility neurosis.

    Which you then uphold so you can avoid the fact that your legal privilege withholds the child within your ‘care’ from their family and that you are the reason they are kept apart. You and your lack of fertility.

    You can dress it up as much as you why and you can holler it down the halls of the birthing unit so to stake your claim on someone else’s baby. but at the end of the day all mothers know what you did to another vulnerable mother.

    And writing articles such as these, is just a continuation of that hollering. Trying to reaffirm your right to someone’s child, while you sidestep the gore and massacre you’ve left behind. Because “adopter club privilege”.

    Reply
    • May 11, 2019 at 7:50 am

      Hi, Kim,

      Thank you for your comments. I am not the author of the article and Dr. Ponder is not available to respond right now. I can say that your comments and others which you can see below have given me a very different perspective on adoption. Much needs to be done in the way of bringing this point of view into our collective awareness.

      Reply
      • May 11, 2019 at 6:42 pm

        Thank You for hearing our voices, that of Adoptees with lived experience, we as adoptees all have a story to tell, many of us come out of the fog and realise what has happened to us, in my case it was a DNA discovery at 59 which really awoke me eventually to the fact that I had discovered it in my early teens during a school science lesson on blood types, a fact I had hidden deep in my subconscious, so consciously I did not know or the prospect was too horrendous to acknowledge, this lead to lifelong traumas and endless searching for something I did not know what, but eventually after a life of conflict, I took up family history research, built a family tree of 13,500 people, attended many family tree reunions, had a headstone re-manufactured and placed on his grave from 1822, organised a family reunion around it on 26 January 2008 not my Ancestor I am not Irish at all – just shows how deep I buried this information, how hurtful it was. https://www.9news.com.au/videos/dna-test-reveals-shocking-truth-about-aussie-dads-family/cjicflz74008s0howzwp5u3ah

        Reply
  • May 11, 2019 at 6:03 pm

    Eiyiyi. Mind-bending psychology to obfuscate reality. Woman, get real. You are the kind of parent whose child will wait till you die before they search for the true, original, first, biological, NATURAL parents.

    Reply
    • May 13, 2019 at 11:18 am

      I did not write the article. I am the editor. The comments have opened my eyes and my mind to the experience of adopted children. It needs to be disseminated as widely as you can. Thank you for your response.

      Reply
  • May 11, 2019 at 6:25 pm

    Adoption is such a Lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    I was never to know of my father
    I was never to know of my mother
    Never to the day I die
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    You took me as your own
    I was all alone
    You said you needed me
    Was I just a commodity?
    To make your marriage whole
    Just a notch on some totem pole
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    At six weeks a bond was broken
    To be replaced by a token
    You gave me love and devotion
    Love is such a selfish emotion
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    You gave me a name
    That’s not the same
    You paraded me to the family
    Who gave me love and empathy
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    I grew up lonely, never feeling the same
    Life, what is this game
    Why did I feel like this, what was wrong
    I felt I didn’t belong
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    In time I accepted my identity
    And celebrated that my life had plenty
    In later life I built a family tree, thought I found my ancestry
    I celebrated my ethnicity
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    An Irish Convict ancestor of whom I was proud
    I proclaimed it long and loud
    Twelve years of research I was to amass
    13,500 people in my tree, now in the trash
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    At 59 years old a DNA test did unfold
    The lie that I had not been told
    What had my discovery cost
    My Identity had been lost
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    A contact from a shared DNA relative on a quest
    My empathy to help her, I could not rest
    Led me to the discovery of my adoption
    I was not of Irish, but of Italian extraction
    And here’s the twister
    This Italian lady was in fact, my sister
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    Now both our identities were in question
    I pursued the answers with a passion
    We held the pieces, to each others life
    I confided this, with my wife
    My birth mother held the answer
    Who was her Italian romancer
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    My children must be told
    A hastily arranged family meeting, we would hold
    This lie must stop, now
    Not another day, would I allow
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    Within this seriousness, was room, for humor
    What was this left field family rumour
    Amidst the laughter
    Silence fell from the rafter
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    With due diligence and detective work
    Within the DNA matches, my mothers identity did lurk
    With a process of elimination I discovered her family tree
    But her name still eluded me
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    An impatient adoption certificate wait
    For ever it seemed to take
    Upon arrival there was no hesitation to peek
    I opened it, I was on a winning streak
    Her name it did reveal
    I Google searched with zeal
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    An oldest son of hers I did find, a brother of mine and further more
    A Grandmother, a Great Grandfather what more was in store
    A further search revealed his family tree
    Two more brothers and two sisters, a fatherless child, he knew of me
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    A hasty message was sent
    My name, phone, “interested in the fatherless child in your tree” it went
    Within twenty four hours a call
    Thank you for calling I cut in, but that’s not all
    Your the son of…., And so are you he replied
    I nearly cried
    For a few weeks, the existence of me, he had known
    No longer would I be alone
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    His job now was once again to ring
    To inform the brothers and sisters of me, the new sibling
    He left me with a number to call
    I did not hesitate, as this was my birth mother, after all
    We spoke for the first time
    It was sublime
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    She told me some of my history
    She told me I was a victim of forced adoption
    That keeping me was not an option
    Six weeks she stayed with me
    An orphanage was not to be
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    With hesitation I asked my fathers name
    A hairdresser, his name, I knew it to be the same
    It was my sisters father who had died
    I was pleased to solve that unequivocally with pride
    But this would mean, a father I would never know
    And children, he would never see grow
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    My adoptive parents are old and frail
    But what was the cost of carrying this tale
    Would a burden be lifted
    Telling them, I am not that gifted
    Left to an adopted sister to break the news
    Gave them a bad case of the blues
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    Meeting with my adopted parents that fateful Mother’s Day
    All they could say
    We don’t want to lose you and anyway
    We burnt the adoption papers when you were a teen
    You were ours and always have been
    No thought of my feelings no hint of remorse
    For denying my identity that was not par the course
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    I make contact with other sibling
    We arranged a reunion shin-ding
    To the city of gold we would fly
    We all looked the same no one could deny
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    To think I may never had known of their lives
    Brothers, Sisters, Husbands and Wives
    Why was I to be denied the truth
    Who gave them the right to destroy the proof
    What of my rights as a human being
    My rights were nowhere to be seen
    Adoption is such a lie

    Adoption is such a lie
    A good life you had, I hear you say in verse
    This is true, it could have been worse
    The loss I feel, is hard to explain
    I lived a lie, I was played the fool, again and again
    Adoption is such a lie

    Peter Capomolla Moore

    Reply
  • July 24, 2019 at 6:57 am

    Yet more writing for narcissistic unfulfilled couples that can’t have their own babies – oh poor them the baby won’t bond – boo bloody hoo. Baby snatchers one and all .

    Reply
    • July 30, 2019 at 10:56 am

      Thanks so much for your comment. I didn’t write this chapter on adoption but the comments we have received have given me a very different perspective on what it is like for the child who is adopted. It is a perspective that needs to be disseminated. I am not sure what would be best for either the children or the childless couples.

      Reply
 

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