8 thoughts on “Redefining Narcissism as a Love Deficit

  • April 26, 2017 at 3:24 pm

    What happens when a narcissist or someone with tendencies falls in love?
    Does he or she go through a back and forth commitment to the relationship? Unable to stay and unable to leave, but continuing in a limbo between intimacy and rejection of the love?
    Cycles through displays of affection and intimacy to distancing the one loved then rinse and repeat?

    Thanks

    Reply
    • April 27, 2017 at 9:07 pm

      Exactly

      Reply
    • May 12, 2017 at 7:51 am

      Thanks for the questions, ashie. A narcissist “loves” power and everything they do, to include con games they play, have to do with their false-self “love for power” — based on their “might makes right” belief system they hold — and they do not believe in and are dismissive/ridicule what is in fact “real” power, and that is L O V E. If you have not already, please see my article on “What a Narcissist Means When He Says ‘I Love You’ … it may hopefully also answer some of your questions. Thanks again for commenting.

      Reply
  • July 20, 2017 at 11:40 am

    Thank you for the info, however I am confused as to why your article favors heavily the male, my personal experiences with narcissists have been women exclusively…is that an unusual circumstance or do you have an agenda you are promoting? I think it’s generally a bad idea to lean to one side or another with respect to human behavior..don’t you think? I think it’s time we come out of the idea that ALL women are victims, and All men are predators…my experience has been that men and women are more alike than different..if the real unbiased truth be told…HUMANness at the end of the day seems to prevail regardless of gender…and no I’m not a narcissist 😁

    Reply
    • August 5, 2017 at 10:26 am

      Thanks for commenting, Concerned. In my experience, and based on my educational background and doctoral research on gender and domestic violence, while all narcissists are not male, it is impossible (in my opinion) to understand narcissism and codependency unless these behavior patterns are, first and foremost, examined as highly ingrained, valued and socialized norms for men and women respectively in the socio-cultural milieau in which we live.

      And because these norms condone the use of violence, shame, humiliation, and other punitive tactics, as “necessary” means to achieve dominance by those in authority positions, the norms for both narcissism for men, and codependency for women, pose high risks for childhood trauma, as well as risks and harm to both male and female couple and family relationships overall,s in the socio-cultural milieu in which we live.

      As for my agenda, it has been my passion as a marriage and family therapist to understand both what promotes, and blocks, healthy vibrant couple and family relationships, by integrating the latest research on intimacy, attachment and neuroscience, to expedite personal and relational change, healing and transformation.

      Reply
  • July 22, 2017 at 7:22 pm

    I agree with a comment above (Concerned). I find, it’s a good text, summarizing all the essential aspects of the issue. But I also can’t agree with the idea that the text is preaching, reviewing the issue mostly from a ‘little boy’s’ or male perspective. By saying that, the last thing i would be trying to do is to defend male population, or anything like it. I actually find it exactly very interesting, that a woman can also have exactly the same traits – meaning, gender plays no role what so ever. I’ve been in a close relationship with a person diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and as it often comes, with a highly developed narcissistic traits. Everything described in this text is like a 1:1 blueprint of how she’s been functioning. Maybe the statistics show that mostly male are carrying these kinds of traits, but I fear it could be too easy to mistake some of the traits, to the way society is bringing up the ‘little boys’ anyway – which is, truth be told, also mentioned in the text. But I just had to respond to the feeling I had, reading this text, that is focusing too much on exclusively one side of the table.

    Reply
    • August 5, 2017 at 10:45 am

      Thank you for commenting, processing. I much appreciate your comments, and thoughtful reflections.

      It’s helpful to keep several things in mind, one, the label of narcissism is often misapplied, and there’s a lot of misinformation on the internet. Women in particular are mislabeled narcissists because of certain social expectations we have for women, i.e., that it’s their “job” to make their partners “feel like men” by “taking their place” (not making demands, never complaining about mistreatment, putting others/partner’s feelings and needs first, and so on). These expectations socialize women to “codependency” — leaving them vulnerable and frequently anxious about being labeled controlling, selfish and narcissist.

      Also, there are narcissist-trolls all over the internet whose purpose it is to confuse, hide narcissism, and blame-shift the label of narcissism onto women or female partners. Remember the narcissist presents themselves as the “real victim,” and totally denies, ignores, minimizes their female partners pain, concerns with gaslighting and other tactics.

      There is no remorse or flinching, and rather automatically and blatantly deny any reality of others that would lead to them taking any responsibility or owning any part of working together with you to enhance happiness of both, and thus form a “partnership” relationship. To them, it’s inconceivable, there’s no such thing; they view all relationships as between predators/top dogs and preys/underdogs.

      In my opinion, educational background and doctoral research (on gender and domestic violence), and experience working with couples in last two decades, while all narcissists are not male, it is impossible to understand narcissism and codependency unless these behavior patterns are, first and foremost, examined as highly ingrained, valued and socialized norms for men and “masculinity” and women and “good woman” respectively in the socio-cultural milieau in which we live.

      And because these norms condone the use of violence, shame, humiliation, and other punitive tactics, as “necessary” means to achieve dominance by those in authority positions, the norms for both narcissism for men, and codependency for women, pose high risks for childhood trauma, as well as risks and harm to both male and female couple and family relationships overall,s in the socio-cultural milieu in which we live.

      Hope this helps, thank you again for writing.

      Reply
  • December 26, 2017 at 5:43 am

    Great article, thank you.

    Reply
 

Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *