Like an addict, a narcissist-sociopath** numbs the pain of feeling human with quick-fix, temporary feel-goods. He’s hooked on illusions of power over others, and regards tools of deception and lies, along with psychological violence as his best friends. Like all quick-fix feel goods, they never satisfy, only intensify the cravings for more. He lusts for proof of his “power” to tear down another’s sense of self, agency and defenses (dominate). His cravings become his identity. And lies are what hold his mask in place, a false-self identity that drives him to violate others rights to prove his superiority.
What are the lies? This post discusses five in particular:
- The lie that: Gender or race or religion or age, etc., make some groups biologically superior to others.
He’s been conditioned to believe that human beings are born in dichotomous, and adversarial categories of those deemed superior, strong, trustworthy (typically male, older and white) — versus those on the other, deemed inferior, weak, dangerous (typically female, younger and nonwhite).
He was exposed to the overt and, or covert exploitation of vulnerable others, women and children, and (wounded) men and women that acted as if violating the rights of vulnerable and weak persons, to keep them in their place, is normal. (It is not; it traumatizes both the perpetrator and victims alike.) And so his life is a house of cards, lies based on a foundation of lies, a belief that one can play god and control and alter reality at will with lies.
Like an addict, this makes a narcissist-psychopath crave what only further harms him. Why? Because human beings cannot crave to dehumanize others by treating them like objects of scorn or pleasure … without producing a dehumanizing experience for themselves, thus, blocking themselves from feeling connected to their true-selves as human beings.
This explains why narcissist-sociopaths hate the truth, and facts in general. More than anything, they hate any evidence that: they are human like everyone else, and that those all human beings have amazing capacities for intelligence, creativity, compassion, self-governance. They lust for proof they have godlike powers by simply acting, lying, deceiving others into thinking they do. They live in an alter reality, believing they can alter the very Principles that govern human life and relationships, such as the Golden Rule that is as real as the Law of Gravity, and replace it with their arbitrarily defined Might-Makes-Right laws. They refuse to accept the reality that all human are social beings, wired to yearn, and learn, to empathically connect and empower meaningful relationships with self and others, to access and grow their capacity for love and kindness and collaboration and creativity, among other capacities, and working together, collaboratively, to create an ever better world for ourselves and others.
Alas, narcissist-sociopaths shudder at the thought. Their life experiences, and early trauma in particular, taught them to feel disgust and scorn for such sentiment, to fear, mistrust, hate and attack any evidence of vulnerable emotions inside themselves — and others — and to associate these traits with those he exploits, and deems weak and inferior.
2. The lie that proving one’s “might over others” via lies and illusions grants entitlements to subjugate, violate and mistreat target groups with impunity.
The narcissist-sociopath has been conditioned to believe those deemed superior — are entitled to play god — thus, can produce and impose a set of self-promoting topsy-turvy norms (via lies, illusions) to hide their wrongdoings and blame-shift any wrongs onto their victims. These notions are based on a might makes right belief system, that defines “real” power as the ability to control and subjugate and exploit another’s will and sense of agency, now possible to do so use of science-based thought control tactics.
This idea defies reality. It is not possible for one human being to remain in an adversarial relationship with another (or parts of themselves inside), without harming himself. Recent findings in neuroscience reveal what sages and wise persons have proclaimed throughout time, that: Our brains are wired for human connection, humane treatment and collaboration to not only thrive, but also survive. So much so that the quality of our human communications affect the neurochemistry of the brain and body in lasting ways, impacting our physical, emotional and mental health. We only have to look at the mirror neuron feature of the brain in particular — to know there is nothing natural about putting up barriers and walls between human beings or dividing them into dichotomous categories, based on sex, race, culture, as superior versus inferior, meant-to-rule versus meant-to-be-ruled, and so on, ideals that only secular or religious supremacist and fundamentalist groups promote and impose as “biological” or “god ordained” realities.
Love is the primary power and force that drives life as we know in the Universe. The human heart of every person, knows and responds to this from the first breath to the last, as evidence by the neurophysiological connections between our autonomic nervous system, emotions and key relationships. And today, recent advances in studies of the brain and neuroscience proves what sages and prophets have spoken, truth to power, from the beginning of time.
3. The lie that: women, and other groups deemed weak, i.e., nonwhites, etc., benefit and take pleasure from abuse.
A narcissist-sociopath regards traits of kindness and empathy as biologically inferior, and deems those with such traits as “emotionally crazy” or fools that “deserve” to be preyed upon and exploited.
This myth falsely portrays women as not fully human, and thus by default should have no claim to wants, needs, pain — a voice of their own. Even worse, it portrays women biologically as masochists, and normalizes sadism for men.
(Naturally, nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that individuals who’ve experienced early sexual trauma, abuse and neglect may exhibit toxic attachments to their abusers, such as Stockholm Syndrome, is merely evidence of the traumatizing impact of early childhood trauma can be. That is all.)
Pornography has done much damage in promoting these lies and illusions, entertaining men with exceptions in which the roles are reversed and women are portrayed as sadists, men as masochists. This and related myths about women are big money makers for several industries, and pornography, one of the biggest promoters of this myth, remains the top money making industry.
In the last few decades, porn has not only permeated most aspects of society (fashion, entertainment, art, etc.) to successfully profit from selling sex (primarily to men), it has also made selling sex a multi-billion dollar industry that surpasses all others — topping the annual revenues of Amazon, Google, Microsot, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and Earthlink combined.
Influenced by porn, violence and sex on the screen have exploded, and the marriage of entertainment industries and porn, increasingly blurring the lines between the two, goes barely detected.
Working together, these efforts are organized to attack what is factual with lies. What is factual? That: all healthy human beings yearn to be treated with dignity and relate like fully human beings — and those that do not are in need of psychological treatment. What are the lies? That women and other groups deemed weak, inferior etc., derive pleasure and benefit from being dominated, abused, assaulted. These myths are lies that serve as rationales for industries that profit from, among other things, human trafficking, prostitution, mass production of weapons.
These myths are lies. No human baby develops “naturally” to derive pleasure from violence against self or another.
4. The lie that: Skills of conning and duping others are signs of strength and intelligence!
A narcissist-sociopath believes what sets some apart as superior is the extent to which they can lie and alter the reality of others with lies, and not only avoid ever being held responsible for wrongful actions, but also blame shift the wrongdoing onto their victims.
In online discussions, the pattern is known as gaslighting. In studies of sexual assault, psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd labeled the pattern D.A.R.V.O.: “Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.”
The pattern is always the same. She reveals domestic or sexual assault happened. He denies and plays victim, accusing her of being a narcissist, emotionally crazy or bipolar, in attempt to smear her reputation, and get others to side and feel outrage against her.
Most if not all pathological abusers** exhibit a consistent pattern of lies and denial that seeks to normalize violence, deny wrongdoing on their part, and shift blame onto the victim, attack the victim’s character, mental stability, and so on, in attempt to get others to side against the victim, while simultaneously portraying themselves as the “real” victim to gain sympathy.
It’s the same pattern. It’s repeated again, and again, by all pathological abusers, varying only in degree. Domestic violence. Rape. Sexual assault. Child abuse. And in some divorce cases or custody disputes (where pathological abuse** pre-exists).
In truth, the narcissist-sociopath is hooked on illusions-of-power and one of their drugs of choice are lies. In his mind, it’s not about truth or lies, it’s about proving superiority by instilling lies in the minds of others by getting them to question and deny the obvious facts and reality. This form of power is mere illusion, however, which is why the sense of self, or ego of a narcissist-sociopath is fragile like no other. The power to harm or limit the power of others is the weakest form of power there is, a dark hole that implodes. Again it has to do with the mirror neuron feature of the human brain, which makes it impossible for a person to seek to hate, reject, dismiss, demean another, etc., without producing the exact feelings in own self!
5. The lie that: women are dangerous, fierce competitors that may pretend to be “nice,” but in reality strategize to emasculate and control men.
A narcissist-sociopath believes a woman is never to be trusted. In his mind, the female sex and other target groups, i.e., nonwhites, either take their place as inferior, silent, serving at the pleasure of others, or she is evil.
It’s the basis of all hate-propaganda. Misogyny is really misanthrope, however, which is a hatred or disgust for human traits of vulnerability, caring and connection as weaknesses. It is based on idealizing certain human traits as superior, and demonize or diminish the ones that have to do with caring and associate them with women, weakness, children, pathology, emotional craziness and the like.
First, let’s consider how hate propanda is designed to work, who uses it and for what purposes. Hate propaganda is the intentional use of language (often by ruling oligarchs), as a divide and conquer tactic, to enforce control over a group of people by dividing them against each other.
In the same way that narcissist-psychopaths get into the minds of their prey (to cripple the otherwise amazing capacity of the human brain for reflective thinking), propaganda uses flattery as an emotional-appeal to disarm and gain a false sense of trust of the abuser, as well as heavy dose campaigns of both shame and fear. Thus, the former group is flattered and told they are superior over certain “inferior” groups, and thus they are biologically determined or god ordained to rule over them. Simultaneously, the latter group is depicted as biologically feeble, weak, mentally unstable or insane, but also dangerous to the very existence or ways of life of the former group. Sound familiar?
This is the same storyline used by every pathological abuser in a couple relationship, family, cult or dictatorship.
In conclusion, these norms are dehumanizing as they set up men (primarily) to feel they have to prove their worth, continually, by exploiting, dehumanizing others, as proof of their superiority and might over others.
Indeed, these norms explain why a narcissist’s ego, or false-self, is so fragile, and reactive, like a house of cards, and why narcissists feel compelled to violate their partner, and get them to question their belief in compassion, caring, kindness, and repeatedly attack the truth of who they are, as human beings, and replacing it with dehumanizing narcissistic lies.
And that’s the real problem: a narcissist hates love, and loves to be hated. A narcissist disdains wisdom and peace of mind, relishes trigger rage reactions in their partner. His topsy-turvy cravings are toxic to him.
Social norms that oppress women oppress men.
No belief is more crippling to the human brain than the notion that one individual, or group, is superior to another.
There are no masters. There are no slaves. Masters and slaves are opposite ends of the same coin. As a function of the mirror neuron in the brain, individuals cannot feel hatred and scorn for others, seek to inflict pain and so on, without producing the same miserable feelings and states of body and mind in themselves.
What oppresses one group, be they women, children, racial or ethnic groups, oppress all.
No one is more oppressed, miserable, lost and desperate, arguably, than the narcissist or psychopath. Oppression may be dehumanizing to those it targets to enslave. No one is more miserable, than the one so disconnected from life, they cannot even feel their own pain, much less others.
** The terms “narcissist-sociopath” or “pathological abuser” refers to those that meet the criteria for antisocial personality disorder in the DSM.