This post consists of a letter from this therapist, which is addressed to those that meet the criteria for narcissistic or antisocial personality disorders, NPD or APD respectively. Ideally, an NPD or APD would read this message, and to some degree, embrace and seek professional help to change the serious patterns of abuse they intentionally use to traumatize others for their own gain.
In reality, persons with these disorders are not likely to even read this post, much less respond by taking it seriously enough to engage in authentic changes their wrong track patterns. This letter thus is written primarily with those who have been victimized by an NPD or APD in mind, and as a result experience symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome.
The purpose here is to support key steps those who’ve been victimized must take to engage in healing processes, specifically, in breaking free of the mind-body thought-control patterns that NPDs and APDs predictably instill in those they prey on in order to prop up their false-self egos as superior, and their supremacist ideology as biologically determined.
Dear narcissist (or psychopath),
Stop, think, breathe, and consider the following: You’re likely on the wrong track. Being inhumane is not normal; it’s a serious thought-belief disturbance rooted in early trauma experiences that led you to believe being human is weak, and being a bully is strong.
Your greatest need is to get on board with being human, and that means growing a human heart so that you may see, and treat others (and yourself) as humans.
Instilling others with fear to demoralize their sense of self and agency, with the use of physical, sexual and, or emotional abuse, and other fear-inducing and crazy-making tactics, does not make you superior and them stupid.
It makes you clueless, disconnected from higher thought intelligence and wisdom, ultimately lost in false-power illusions, desperate to prop up your fragile false-self ego, and supremacist ideals.
By the way, your actions don’t just hurt people around you, they keep you in mind and body states of desperation and powerlessness. Love is the power that makes this world go around, and neuroscience proves unequivocally that human beings need human touch and empathic-love connection, first to survive as infants, and then, throughout their life to remain happy and healthy.
To continue this track, is to choose to cause your own suffering.
The more you hate and look down on certain groups, the woman by your side in particular, as “emotionally crazy” — because she keeps seeking to love and comfort, and however misguided, to reach you to understand her pain and truth, spinning her wheels to empathize and make sense of the lies and illusions you keep throwing her way — the more you widen and deepen the malady inside that keeps you detached from what brings meaning to human life.
In other words, the more you try to prove you’re not human, the more you dehumanize yourself and deepen the void, emptiness you feel inside.
You may reject growing a human heart and empathy, as traits your supremacist worldview deems inferior and emotionally crazy, but you cannot change that your brain is wired with Mirror Neurons! And these mirror neurons, which operate like clockwork by the way, will always make you feel toward yourself inside, whatever you feel toward others or seek to make them feel.
To the extent you seek to instill fear in others, for example, to prove your unrealistic expectations for feeling superiority over them, you merely intensify the fears you already feel that keep your ego wounded and fragile.
The reality is: you are human. And the real problem is the supremacist ideology you hold that doesn’t allow you to see the woman at your side, or women as a group, or other groups you deem biologically inferior, as human beings.
That it is possible for any group of persons to prove they are superior over other groups is merely an illusion. This belief has been called, by several great persons, for example, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., as the most dangerous to a society, a threat to the existence of human life as we know it.
These illusions have been costly to you, and society. To the extent you lack empathy or remorse for hurting others, you intensify what keeps you at risk of hurting others, and in desperate need of healing inside, to stop treating others like objects in a cruel game of dominance and superiority.
There’s no greater malady that can befall a human being than to lose connection with their sense of empathy and remorse for causing others intentional pain.
Similarly, there is perhaps no pleasure greater than to feel awe and reverence and gratitude for the beauty of life that surrounds us on earth, and our participation as human beings, looking out at the vast universe. You’re missing out, on one of the greatest benefits of being human.
Keep in mind that, the laws that govern how your brain, and these Mirror Neurons work, operate like clockwork, in the same way the Law of Gravity works. You can use scientific methods of thought control to con other human beings, true. But you cannot change the laws that govern this universe. You’re playing god is putting life at risk.
To find the emotional fulfillment all humans are hardwired to yearn for, you must change tracks, from living to desperately prove you have a god-like superiority to enslave and con others into exploiting them, to instead living life to grow your sense of awe and connection to life in and around you.
And that means reverence for common sense truth and wisdom, based on principles and laws that govern human life, healing and relationships.
Remember, it won’t work to get on a healing track just merely to impress others. That’s the old con game that’s keeping you fragile, wounded, scared others will get you, unless you get them first!
You have to want to connect to your inner yearning to heal and grow a human heart for yourself, and the gift of life that’s yours alone. (Once you can love yourself in this way, then, and only then, can you feel empathic connection, and mutually share love with another.)
So first, there are several patterns you must stop. In the same way that alcoholics have to stop drinking, going to bars, or seeing old drinking pals, you have to stop the abuse of others. And no one can do this for you. And it’s going to feel uncomfortable, and painful. It’s the only way to break out of old comfort-zones.
Among other things, you must choose to:
- STOP making your highest goal proving your “superiority” and “rightful dominance” to your significant other, and key others in your life.
Relax into being human. Let go of the false-power illusions you hold, and the supremacist belief that you have to feel superior to other humans, at least your wife, to prove you’re worthwhile. These illusions and beliefs have been costly. Remind yourself that hierarchy blocks emotional intimacy—and, without emotional intimacy, the woman in your life is going to lose interest in sex. Period. Even if genetic superiority were possible, it would have to be based on some amazing traits that make them sublime, such as their quest to life and enhance the quality of life and collaborative relationships for all — and never based on traits that threaten human existence, such as lack of empathy or remorse for tormenting others! (A person or group that is genuinely sublime would never demand or seek to be worshipped as such!)
- STOP thinking of your significant others as a fierce competitor (perhaps also your children, and others) and your relationship as a winner-takes-all competition.
The more you see your significant other as a fierce competitor, the more you activate your body’s survival system. In a relationship, if one feels they’re getting the short end, both lose. That’s because when the body releases high levels of fear, this puts the higher thinking brain, or frontal cortex, on pause. The only type of thinking the brain does in survival mode is either-or, either hide out of fear or fight and eliminate out of fear. Neither of these responses are useful in relationship building, which is the most complex and vital endeavor humans undertake in their lives. To prove superior status, value, prowess, smarts, and so on, using comparison tactics, also blocks the formation of healthy communication. Others may pretend they’re impressed, or play along, trying to prop up your ego; however, deep down, others eventually resent this “neediness” on your part. It’s not a strength, it’s a weakness.
- STOP wallowing in self-pity and acting as if the woman in your life is trying to control or emasculate you just because she asked you to stop any emotional abuse, or to help her with the house or children, or to respect when she says no to sex, and so on.
It’s only natural for human beings that live together to collaborate and communicate. It’s part of forming human relationships. It’s been costly for you to mistreat, abuse or take pleasure hurting and depriving others, making them feel as if their needs, wants or feelings are invisible. Instead, focus on what you have learned about abuse in your early childhood, how that impacted you, to become resolute and determined to stop and no longer repeat the abuse you yourself likely experienced and, or witnessed.
- STOP thinking and acting as if you are entitled to treat or mistreat others according to your whims, and let go of the supremacist belief that it’s your “job” to keep those you deem inferior in their place in an arbitrary pecking order.
Stop telling yourself that you need to others to bow down, otherwise you feel emasculated and controlled. This belief leaves you feeling weak and fragile. It is a myth that dominance “turns on” women. Mass conditioning has romanticized this notion. Children who are sexually abused have learned unhealthy ways to get their needs to feel loved met, and mass conditioning has romanticized this notion for women, and eroticized the notion for men. Emotionally healthy women, and men, get “turned off” by dominance. Reflect also on how angry, hurt you felt when you were treated that way as child by a parent, or by schoolmates, etc. , or to “show respect” for your status, for you to “feel safe” or as proof that they “really love” you.
- STOP thinking it’s your job to micromanage your spouse’s love, thoughts, attention and body.
Instead remind yourself that this is an expression of your rage, powerlessness, helplessness that stems in your supremacist beliefs and false illusions of power. In truth, no person can control another. No person has a right to own another and regard them as possession serving at their pleasure. Stop blocking this giving-receiving exchange in your relationship by your “neediness” to hoard the benefits, as proof of your superiority and status. Genuine love is only felt by a sincere willingness of one authentically free person to free another to be themselves.
- STOP holding unrealistic expectations that you can feel secure and loved and happy by perfecting your use of dominance over your significant other, to ensure she keeps her place, focused on your “needs” and making sure she feels deprived, invisible, loses her sense of self and value, to the point that you break her will to ask you to act like you’re a human being, and treat her and others like humans too.
The more you work to instill others with a sense of fear, shame, worthlessness, to make them feel small, broken, invisible, and so on, the more desperately you intensify these feelings in yourself, along with core (human!) fears of inadequacy, rejection, abandonment and loss of control! Instead remind yourself that the “cheap thrills” you’re after are addictive cravings. They never work to fulfill feel loving or loved—and allow yourself to relearn how to be human and humane to form a healthy relationship, one that is based at minimum on a mutually empathic connection, mutual understanding, and treating self and other with dignity.
- STOP seeking to micromanage your significant other — and to hoard the focus of discussions on your successes, wants, lists of complaints, or the insecurity you feel when others don’t do what you say or think how you think.
The more you stew on unfulfilled expectations, blaming others, the more. Instead remind yourself to say goodbye to these false-power illusions of success, supremacist ideals of how prop up men’s egos to make them feel more important, loved, recognized, etc., in order to feel like “real” men. A supremacist ideology is a house of cards. It’s a fantasy that causes perpetual destruction to all, even on the screen, movies and TV. Everyone loses when inhumane egos battle for supremacy. It leaves men feeling insecure, trying to build their sense of safety on sifting sand! This has not worked for any man or person because it’s just not the way our human brains are designed to work. The proof of this is in how much suffering and trauma this has caused children, leaving a legacy that is passed on from one generation to the next. So, affirm the way of genuine love, reminding yourself that human beings can only feel loved and esteemed and respected to the extent they choose to feel this for themselves – and toward others.