Really think. Is it coincidence that online information on narcissism is getting a bit misleading, wittingly or unwittingly, in the direction of feeding into a narcissist’s goals to blame-shift the label onto those they victimize, and then trick well meaning others to side with them?
One also wonders, how much of the practice of “no contact,” on the increase as well, plays into the isolation goals of narcissists to separate those they prey on away from vital support systems, parents in particular, but also siblings, friends, etc.?
The same means are being used — among others, misinformation, gaslighting, smokescreens and lies — to achieve the same ends, for example, derail the discussion focus, distort the truth, confuse, blame-shift, etc., and thus, obfuscate the truth regarding what is and isn’t narcissism, in the public mind.
A mind is priceless. It is the doorway to what is perhaps most priceless to you: your heart. A narcissist lusts for both, to steal what’s precious to you.
This post calls those involved with narcissists to alert and awake, and to keep reminding one another as needed, that first and foremost, when interacting with a narcissist, clients and therapists alike, the need to protect your brain’s capacity to think is a priority.
First, you need your mind to separate the truth from the lies, regarding what is and isn’t narcissism.
Once you see the real problem is the lies he tells himself and you, you begin to begin to understand that lies and illusions have no power over you apart from what you think. You always have a choice to see the lies for what they are. And to see the hold they once had on your mind … was never real. It was always an illusion.
The narcissist’s only power rests on erecting lies and illusions that cripple the thinking brain with fear. Once you see that it’s only an illusion, a one-dimensional paper bird cage, you’re free to fly.
So, to tell the truth, who is the real narcissist? A narcissist identifies himself by his goals. Like an addict, he’s out to steal what is precious to you, first, your mind and heart.
And how do you know these are his goals? You always calibrate on behavior. (This applies to all human behaviors. That’s proven science, by the way.)
What people do, on a regular basis, their patterns of behavior, how they respond, their automatic reactions in particular, tell you what their goals are, what they’re most afraid of, what outcomes they seek, most everything you really need to know.
Their behavior patterns, much less what they say, tells you what their goals and objectives are, and what he really means when he says ‘I love you.’
A narcissist displays a specific pattern of behaviors and responses that he is proud to put on display for all to see. Gaslighting, to train you to silence your wants and see yourself as “emotionally crazy” for having needs, etc., is one example of an automatic response.
To break free, you need to take back your ability to consciously think. Not out of fear, out of love. Once you have your thinking back, you can protect your heart, and never give it away, ever again. Not to anyone, not even your children.
That’s why his ego is so fragile, so easily wounded. His life is a house of cards because it is built on lies; he’s trying to be something that is not humanly possible, without causing harm and suffering to himself and those around him.
To fly free, keep the wise words of Franklin Roosevelt in mind, “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”
Your journey to freedom, at least in part, is about learning to separate healthy fears, ones that foster wisdom, from unhealthy ones, ones that cripple the brain’s capacity to think. (Thoughts that activate the survival system of the body, place the thinking brain in offline mode.)
As a woman, you especially need your heart, your love for your Self and Life, to come out and stay free of the fog of narcissistic fantasies.
You cannot fix him because he doesn’t want to be regarded as human. Human is inferior to him.
A narcissist lives in a fantasy of lies and illusions, a topsy-turvy world, in which the inhumane is normal, and the humane abnormal.
His ideal world is a never ending battle between the mighty and weak, and those that view the truth and beauty of the human heart as their biggest threat, and objects who stop believing in the power of kindness and connection, and serve at the pleasure of the heartless master.
To a narcissist, truth is the biggest enemy. His overall goal is to attack the ability of your brain to discern truth from lies. Depending on whether his style is covert or overt in nature, he has a specific intention to prove his self-worth and right to dominate, with the use of proven thought-control methods to subjugate another’s will to exploit for their own gain.
In his fantasy, his idealized view of the world is the norm, and everyone else is abnormal, in particular, those who believe in a humane world, collaborative relationships and in the truth that all human beings are born with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and opportunities to enrich their lives. To a narcissist, only a select few are entitled to the pleasures of life.
The rules of his game are found in an oppressor’s playbook: to take over their mind, demoralize them, by finding what they want and hope for, and deprive them; find out what they don’t want/fear, do that.
(And when their attacks extend to causing criminal harms and ruin, such as physical violence, stealing, etc., then they meet the criteria for psychopath, or antisocial personality disorder, APD.)
A narcissist views a woman, as an object, who should not feel pain, have an opinion, feelings of her own or a say in how she’s treated. It’s her job, society has raised him to believe, to make him feel manly, to know what he wants and needs without him asking, and it’s his job is to train her, like a pet, to never expect the same of him.
It’s not uncommon for men, who are not narcissists, to hold the belief, and feel it’s emasculating to give or listen to what the woman in his life wants, needs, would love to have.
This is baffling to women, most of whom are socialized to love and enjoy giving and supporting others to get what they want and love.
This is more reason why, as a woman, you must never be persuaded by romantic fairy tales to give your heart away. You need your heart to stay strong in your love for your Self, and all those you love, to include the man in your life, to come out of the fog of narcissistic fantasies, as well as codependency ones.
The sad reality is that, even the nicest guys out there, hard-working providers, kind and generous to friends, family, involved with their children, hold back when it comes to responding to the emotional love needs of the woman in their life … because to do so, men believe, would be unmanly, dangerous, emasculating, and the like.
Social norms that idealize dominance and might-makes-right views of relationships still prevail, and prevent men from seeing the emotional closeness and nonsexual affection that their female partner seeks as human love, not male or female, not dangerous, or “crazy,” or unmanly. Those illusions are based on hatred and disgust for the humane attributes of our nature that are associated with women, children, weakness, and so on.
The point is, healing depends on clarity and truth. Lies repeated over and over, can have the effect of crippling the higher thinking areas of the brain from otherwise amazing abilities to think clearly and separate truth from lies.
The list of goals below are all reasons a narcissist needs professional help, yet also why he rarely seeks or stays in therapy. It’s about looking for easy prey, changing others to serve their interests, to prove they can.
A narcissist goals are more than mind-games, they are a form of calculated thought control measures, in which he seeks to subjugate and subvert a woman’s will, depriving her from wanting any pleasure apart from what pleases him.
To him, it’s a training of her mind to increasingly:
- Working harder, spin her wheels as he’s never happy, mostly miserable.
- Doubting herself, her thinking, memory, sanity and even her physical health.
- Taking the blame for any negative effects of his treatment on her mental, emotional and physical health.
- Obsessing about failing to make him feel happy and secure in her love and loyalty.
- Averting her attention away from her own wants, needs and happiness.
- Seeing herself as irrelevant and insignificant in relation to him.
- Working hard to make him feel like a superior and godlike master who owns her.
- Silencing her self, rather than bother him with her trivial “womanly” wants, needs, pain, dreams, etc.
- Disassociating from noticing his cruelty, seeing only his good side.
- Feeling invisible in relation to him, his wants, his needs, his dreams, his happiness, and so on.
- Colluding to make his narcissistic fantasy of himself as master, and her as object, a reality.
- Blaming herself for the ways he mistreats or hurts others, to include the children.
- Getting co-addicted to being used like a drug to give into whatever makes him happy.
- Perceiving as normal that he treats her like an object, who has no wants, needs, feelings, etc.
- Crippling her ability to think so that she never sees or questions the unhealthy things he wants, does or says.
- Feeling so fearful of upsetting him that she goes along with whatever he demands.
- Isolating her from those who love, admire or support her, her family and children in particular.
- Making her judge and suspicions of those who don’t side with him, her parents in particular, so that she sees them as her enemies.
- Taking over her mind and heart and soul to fulfill his narcissistic fantasy of himself.
- Thinking, feeling and believing only thoughts, feelings and beliefs he wants her to think, feel and believe.
- Accusing her of doing what he does, i.e., controlling, selfish, narcissistic.
- Feeling anxious, questioning her appearance, sexuality, attractiveness in relation to other women.
- Taking no credit, and giving him all the credit for what is good.
- Feeling responsible for anything bad, and taking the blame with exaggerated intensity.