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Why is Marriage Going Out of Vogue?


Linda: Many people nowadays consider marriage an obsolete institution. Here are a few of the explanations people offer to explain their orientation.

Adam: “Marriage is a trap set by women to capture men in order to keep the naturally promiscuous male for themselves alone. Women want to ensure that their men make a living to provide for the family and protect their offspring. I choose not to be used that way. I see marriage as a system that benefits women but takes advantage of men.”

Martina: “Marriage is a trap set by men. Because men have power from being physically stronger and enjoy much greater privileges in the culture, they want exclusive sexual rights. I am unwilling to be captured and placed in a cage that marriage is for way too many women. I’m not having it.”

Jacob: “My parents had a horrible divorce when I was eight years old. They fought bitterly for years in the courts over custody of me and battled over properties. I witnessed endless ugly interchanges, accusations, and blame, hysterical crying from my mother, and cold stony silences from my father. I would never want to go through a horrible divorce, so I know a sure-fire way that I can prevent such suffering—I’m not getting married in the first place.”

Bernadette: “Marriage is primarily an economic arrangement. My mother didn’t go to college and didn’t have a degree, a skillset, or confidence to make her own money. She was dependent on my dad to provide food, shelter, and everything else, so marriage was her security. I have degrees, professional skills, and make plenty of money to provide for myself. Why would I need marriage.? I can take care of myself.”

Luke: “Cohabitation suits me just fine. I have all the benefits of marriage without the legal entanglements. My girlfriend and I keep our money separate, and I am unwilling to leave my finances at risk just in case our relationship doesn’t make it.”

Of course, not all people who chose to forgo marriage make that choice because they are afraid. Marriage isn’t for everyone. But many do forgo marriage because their fears are in the way. In each of the above examples, the people are attached to their suspicious narrative about marriage. They have repeated their belief so many times to themselves and others, that they have brainwashed themselves into believing that their story is true. They may not even be aware of how much fear they are carrying about marriage being a trap, more trouble than it’s worth, a lopsided arrangement benefitting the opposite gender, or an outmoded, old fashioned institution that has outlived its usefulness.

Like any belief system, the one about marriage deserves a thorough investigation to see what’s really true. Each of us is challenged to deeply examine our beliefs to discover the real drawbacks and prices that come with marriage as well as the benefits and privileges that accompany marriage.

Many people don’t have the motivation to examine their limiting beliefs. But that’s the only way to discover if there is a small seed of truth in their belief that their fearful mind has blown way out of proportion. Once their fear of loss of freedom and fear of suffering has taken over, there isn’t room for them to consider the beauty and advantages that come with marriage. I am well aware that it may take years to grow a truly delightful marriage that works for both partners. And I, for one, have done my thorough examination, and find that the sacrifices are small prices to pay for the bonanza of benefits that come with a fulfilling marriage!

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Why is Marriage Going Out of Vogue?


Bloomwork

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at: www.Bloomwork.com


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APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2020). Why is Marriage Going Out of Vogue?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 24, 2020, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationship-skills/2020/08/why-is-marriage-going-out-of-vogue/

 

Last updated: 30 Aug 2020
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.