Home » Blogs » Building Relationship Skills » Are you An Emotionally Intelligent Couple?

Are you An Emotionally Intelligent Couple?

Linda: To establish a great relationship requires emotional intelligence. Daniel Goleman, in his brilliant book Emotional Intelligence, tells us what is required to be an emotionally intelligent person. Emotional intelligence is not fixed, and our quotients can change. We can learn to handle relationships smoothly and enjoy them thoroughly, but there are requirements. The following are a series of questions to address first as individuals, and then to take on as a second thorough inventory with our partner.

  1. Are you strong in self-awareness, the non-reactive non-judgmental attention to your inner states?
  2. Do your passions overwhelm your reason?
  3. Do you live in your head, excessively pressing your emotions down to the point that your emotions are muted and dull?
  4. Do you have motivation, zeal, passion, and ambition?
  5. Do you take on the discussion of the challenges of your relationship or do you avoid them?
  6. Do you feel that you have good communication with your partner?
  7. Do you listen well or do you avoid communication, make assumptions, jump to conclusions, and interrupt?
  8. Do you have good self-control, or are you impulsive and aggressive, finding that you regret what you have said or done?
  9. Do you insist on being right and having your way, or are you strong in cooperation?
  10. Do you have good conflict management skills?
  11. Are you careful not to issue harsh criticism?
  12. Are you strong in repair after damage to the relationship has occurred?
  13. Do you indulge yourself in showing contempt or lack of respect, name-calling, mocking insults, domination, intimidation, threats, ultimatums, character assassination, sarcasm, or the violence of silence?
  14. Are you accomplished at calming your own anger, which is stimulated about negative thoughts about your partner?
  15. Are you strong in tolerance to accept the ways your partner is not like you?
  16. Are you strong in apologizing when you know you are in the wrong?
  17. Do you share power well and cooperate with your partner?
  18. Are you forgiving of self and others when violations occur?
  19. Have you put more time and effort into developing your professional skills than you have developed your people skills?
  20. Are you strong in empathy and caring and adept in reading both verbal and non-verbal signals?
  21. How well do you read and effectively deal with the feelings of others? How good are you at calming your own anxiety?
  22. Do you look for the opportunity in adversity?
  23. Is your use of substances (alcohol or drugs) or behavior (eating, gambling, sex) across the line for social use to problem use?
  24. Are you strong in generosity and altruism?
  25. What are your signature strengths? What character traits need strengthening?
  26. Do you procrastinate?
  27. Are you a worrier? If so are you deliberately training your mind away from worry?
  28. Are you a pessimist? If so are you deliberately training your mind into a conversion from pessimism to optimism?
  29. Are you lonely or do you feel connected to family and friends?
  30. Are you depressed or spirited?
  31. Are you able to delay gratification in pursuit of your goals?
  32. Are you generally in a good mood so that you can think flexibly and cooperate to find solutions to problems?
  33. Is your thinking generally positive and hopeful about accomplishing your life goals?
  34. Do you see yourself as being flexible?
  35. Do you see yourself as confident to meet life’s challenges as they present themselves?
  36. Do you consider yourself to be adept at making strong connections and bonds with your partner or do you feel that you are living parallel lives?
  37. Are you generous of spirit with your partner giving compliments, validation, attention, and recognition?
  38. Do you enjoy a network of support comprised of family and friends so that you don’t lean on your partner too heavily?
  39. Are you a compassionate, understanding, and loving person to yourself and your partner?
  40. Do you live with an attitude of gratitude?

If we want to derive the greatest possible satisfaction from our romantic partnership, we can get to work to bring up our emotional intelligence quotient. If we are committed to having an open, frank discussion with the intention of exposing the work that we need to do to become a more emotionally intelligent person, our partner will assist us in that process. It is by listening carefully to those who know us best and care for us the most where we can learn a great deal about how to grow into who we can be, and thereby truly enjoy a great, loving relationship.


We’re giving away 3 e-books absolutely free of charge. To receive them just click here. You’ll also receive our monthly newsletter.

Be sure to follow us on Facebook and don’t miss our Facebook Live presentations every Thursday at 1:30 pm PST.

Are you An Emotionally Intelligent Couple?


Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at:

No comments yet... View Comments / Leave a Comment



APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2020). Are you An Emotionally Intelligent Couple?. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 29, 2020, from


Last updated: 17 Jul 2020
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network ( prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on All rights reserved.