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They Both Said “Sex used to be better.”

Linda: Mandy and Jared had been married for ten years. They had two children. Their sexual relationship had become predictable and boring. Jared was tired from working all day and so was Mandy. By the time they got the kids to bed, they were spent but had sex once a week anyway. Many felt rushed into intercourse, but she didn’t speak up about her dissatisfaction. Mandy loved Jared so she did her best to be responsive to his touch, but she didn’t have enough time to warm up. She’d hardly got started when Jared finished. When he turned over and went right to sleep, she suffered in silence, deciding that Jared didn’t really care about her satisfaction.

Mandy remembered the time early in their relationship when sex was so much fun and wondered if it ever would be again. She fell asleep feeling sad, frustrated, empty and disconnected from her husband. But she didn’t tell him how disappointed she was. Mandy sometimes had a daydream that Jared would remember the sensual pleasure they shared years ago when they had long talks and then he kissed her face, her eyebrows, ears, neck, breasts, and belly putting his tongue in her bellybutton so they both shared a sweet laugh. Then he would turn her over to kiss her all over her back and backs of her legs. She longed for the bliss that came from being the center of his attention for an extended period, but Mandy kept these fond memories to herself.

She was wrong in her assessment that Jared was satisfied with their sexual relationship. Mandy was shocked when Jared brought up the subject and blurted out, “I’m depressed, frustrated and lonely and it’s because our sex life has no vitality. And I think we should do something about it. Do you?”

When she got over the impact of his revelation, she was glad to hear that he was dissatisfied too. She was filled with hope for the first time in a long time, that their sexual connection could be enlivened. Mandy said, “I love you, and I want us to decide together how we can bring some of that steamy sex we used to have way back when, into our lives once again. I really miss it too. I think it would be great if we took a portion of our weekend to really connect, he way we used to. I need more time to get in the mood. Will you play with me on the weekend?”

Jared was hopeful too. He had the same fears that Mandy had, that their great sex days were over. It was a rude awakening for Mandy to find how unhappy he had been, and she felt the need to apologize to him for suffering so long in silence. Jared admitted, “I haven’t been a fountain of truth-telling myself. I promised you that I will be more open with you and reveal rather than conceal my desire to enjoy fulfilling connected sex regularly.” Mandy too made a promise.  “I will hold up a standard of excellence in the sexual part of our relationship, just like I do with the other areas. Sex is important to me and deserves our best time and attention.”

For Jared and Mandy, their neglect of their sexual connection was robbing them both of their well-being. Their relationship was slipping into the danger zone. It was a wake-up call to Mandy when Jared spoke of his dissatisfaction and she got busy right away putting the in corrections by organizing their weekend in such a way that an abundant amount of time was allocated for sensual pleasure. Their delight in their partnership took a big swing upward in the happiness department. When I saw Mandy last, she referred to their progress and said with a wink, “It’s one of those areas where a little bit goes a long way.”

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They Both Said “Sex used to be better.”


Bloomwork

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at: www.Bloomwork.com


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APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2019). They Both Said “Sex used to be better.”. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 18, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationship-skills/2019/11/they-both-said-sex-used-to-be-better/

 

Last updated: 12 Nov 2019
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.