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The Challenge of an Authentic Dating Site Profile

Most people posting personal ads on the Internet focus on the outer aspects of their lives and the life of their desired partner. They offer and solicit information regarding their physical, educational, financial, and geographic health, location, experience, taste in music and other personal interests. This information is undoubtedly relevant and useful when it comes to assessing the likelihood of creating a compatible match with a potential partner. The problem with this list isn’t what is on it but what isn’t. Successful relationships, particularly those that endure over time, tend to be those in which both partners share common core values that they not only believe in but actually live by.

Revealing these values and being honest with ourselves and each other in regard to our willingness to honor them on a daily bass can be a daunting challenge. Assessing each other’s commitment to actually embody them, rather than simply paying them lip service, can be considerably easier said than done. The truth, however is that unless we are a good fit in the values department, whatever other traits and interests we have in common. The likelihood of being able to co-create a mutually fulfilling long-term partnership is slim.

Complicating the situation is the fact that not all values are created equal and when it comes to relationships, some values are more user friendly than others. Some of the values that don’t often show up in the process of interacting on-line with others have to with character traits, inner qualities, personal principles and standard of behavior. Examples of these include honesty, compassion, integrity, authenticity, vulnerability, forthrightness, playfulness, generosity, courageousness, impeccability, commitment, trustworthiness, and responsibility.

While many of us would like to have a partner who can bring qualities like  these to a relationship, we may be reluctant to mention them in public for a couple of reasons. For one thing, implicit in my expression of a desire for someone to bring positive values into a relationship is the expectation that I will reciprocate to the same degree. And unless I can I trust myself to live up to the level that I am setting for others, I’m likely to be reluctant to put myself that far “out there”. I might want to stick with focusing on characteristics that are more easily measured or more “realistic”.

If I do decide to go for it and put out my own values and invite others who share those with me to respond, it is likely that I won’t be hearing from many of the people who are threatened by my forthrightness. They will deselect themselves. The ad is speaking to those people who place a high value on authenticity and personal development. This is a way of more quickly and efficiently cutting to the chase and illiminating the time spent trying to create distorted perceptions of each other. Instead of trying to come across in ways that will impress others, we come across as we really are and invite the same response from them.

The major complaint that we hear from the singles in our network isn’t just that the information posted is superficial, but much of it is outright dishonesty. People regularly misrepresent themselves regarding things like their age, their health, their financial health, their relationship history and even their values. The points that we are making are not to discredit the dating services. They are performing an essential and needed service. We want to offer the possibility of taking maximum advantage of this technology, and to offer an example of what a truly authentic, honest, and compelling self-description might sound like.

The quality of integrity that shows up in your ad is likely to influence the quality of integrity that shows up in response. And by the same token, this doesn’t just apply to singles. It is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Making our own core values public is also an excellent way to hold our own feet to the fire of integrity. It quickly becomes much more difficult not to “walk the talk’ when we’ve publicly proclaimed our core values. And who among us couldn’t use all the help that we can get to stay on that path?

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The Challenge of an Authentic Dating Site Profile


Bloomwork

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at: www.Bloomwork.com


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APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2019). The Challenge of an Authentic Dating Site Profile. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 10, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationship-skills/2019/06/the-challenge-of-an-authentic-dating-site-profile/

 

Last updated: 5 Jun 2019
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.