“You must dive deeper, a thousand times deeper.” Rumi
Linda: If there is a heavy wet blanket weighing down your sexual desire, you already know that you are missing out on a gift to the body sent by Mother Nature. It’s a shame and a waste to not have the sensual pleasure working on your behalf to enliven the partnership.
The lack of desire, if long-standing (months or years) is an indicator that important issues in the relationship are not being adequately addressed. Committing to investigative what those issues might be is a great start. And if both partners live up to their commitments toward identifying the wet blanket issues, that’s all the better. Here is a starter kit to consider for resuscitating desire and responsiveness:
- Do one or both of you fear emotional intimacy?
- Do you have a backlog of incompletions, unfinished business, and unaddressed conflicts that are blocking your connection?
- Are there any traumatic sexual incidents that have not as of yet been healed?
- Have you settled for disappointing sexual experiences because you don’t want to hurt your partner?
- Has your sex life deteriorated into boredom, predictability, routine, and too much safety that has squeezed out novelty and adventure?
- Do you have sexual cravings or fantasies that you are closeted about because you fear being rejected by your partner?
- Are you being held back by the myth and misguided notion that sex is natural and you shouldn’t have to work at it?
- Are you suffering due to the myth of mind reading, expecting your partner to know what turns you on without getting vulnerable to ask for what you want?
- Are you so toxic with resentment about numerous issues that you don’t want to be generous of spirit to bring pleasure to your partner or to give them the pleasure of knowing that they are satisfying you?
- Are you rushing foreplay and not taking the time and making the effort to set a context for sexual pleasure?
- Have you failed to understand that foreplay is everything that has gone on since the last time you made love until now?
- Are you so focused on orgasm that you fail to savor the more subtle sensations?
- Is your anxiety high because you are focused on performance rather than savoring the pleasant sensations?
- Are you and/or your partner giving so much of your time and energy to work and/or children that you are too exhausted to feel sexual desire and responsiveness, so that it feels like just one more item on the to do list rather than a celebration of love?
Please don’t be confined to this list. Your wet blanket over sexual desire issues may be different from these. An important first step is to dive deep and take a look at inner experience in order to tell yourself the truth. The next step is to invite your partner into an exploration of what for each of you, may have dampened sexual desire. The key factor here is to have such a delicate conversation free of judgment and criticism of self or other. Sexuality is one area where we are easily hurt, shamed and humiliated. Taking special care to be kind, respectful, responsible, and generous in all of our communications will stack the deck for a successful outcome.
Announcing our intention for having the difficult yet crucial conversations is helpful. The dialogue is for the purpose of both partners enjoying sensual and sexual pleasure specifically and delighting in the spillover effect for a sweeter relationship in general. I am wishing you many such conversations that will lead to a successful outcome. And I am wishing you the change of heart and mind that brings forth the kind of understanding that lifts that heavy wet blanket off both of you. Only then, can you breathe and pant with excitement and enjoy to the max, your pleasure bond.
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