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To Punish or to Teach?

little-boy-1635065_1920Linda: Years ago, I read a story about three families who were vacationing in the Catskill Mountains of New York. Each family had a son around the same age, and these boys were pals. One day, the three friends got into mischief, as young boys with spirit, imagination, and time on their hands will sometimes do. Their experiment careened out of control, and the fire spread causing a great deal of damage to property. Thankfully, no people were injured. The police brought each boy home, explaining the extent of the damage.

After the officer left, the first boy’s father took off his belt, and beat his son, screaming at him all the while about what a disobedient hellion the boy was. In the second boy’s home there was no physical violence, but the father berated and shamed his son telling him what a huge disappointment he was. In the third home, the father listened to what had happened and quietly told his son to get into the car. They drove to the site of the boys’ ruined adventure to assess the extent of the damage.

Silently the boy observed his father taking measurements and writing them in a notebook. Back in the car, they went to the local lumber and hardware store where his father purchased materials for the repairs. Late into the night, both father and son worked together to correct the situation. And the next day, they were back at work on the project, and the next day, and the next until all needed corrections were complete.

Very little was actually spoken about the original regrettable incident that resulted in the other boys being physically and emotionally harmed. Without words, a huge life lesson was communicated to the third son. “It’s better not to make the messes in the first place if you can possibly help it. But if damage does occur, as it is apt to occasionally, make your best effort to do a speedy and thorough repair.”

The third boy’s life ended up being enriched by the incident because he learned a valuable lesson early. We can all learn from the wise father that when our partner makes a mistake, not to sink into angry judgment, rejection, punishment, criticism, and blame. Such reactivity doesn’t help. It doesn’t help with our kids, partner, ourself or anyone. To replace these old negative patterns with skillful ones, like assessing the damage, taking measurements, and rolling up our sleeves to devote ourselves to the task of repair does work. And fortunately, we’re up to it.

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Linda and Charlie Bloom are excited to announce the release of their third book, Happily Ever After . . . and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams.

Picture1Praise for Happily Ever After:

“Love experts Linda and Charlie shine a bright light, busting the most common myths about relationships. Using real-life examples, they skillfully, provide effective strategies and tools to create and grow a deeply loving and fulfilling long-term connection.” – Arielle Ford, author of Turn You Mate into Your Soulmate

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To Punish or to Teach?

Bloomwork

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at: www.Bloomwork.com


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APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2016). To Punish or to Teach?. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 25, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationship-skills/2016/09/to-punish-or-to-teach/

 

Last updated: 15 Sep 2016
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Sep 2016
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.