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Guilty of the Sin of Outdoing

Picture1Linda: We all have invisible loyalties to our family of origin. And so many of us did not have inspirational models of partnership in the families we grew up in. Perhaps we come from a home where parents divorced, were mismatched but did not separate, or we were heavily impacted by addiction, mental illness, or depression. We may have witnessed disappointment, their sacrificing by staying together “for the sake of the children,” overt hostility in the form of arguments, or covert hostility in the form of silence and tension.

All parents do their very best by their children, but so many are limited in with they can offer. They may not have been thriving themselves, frustrated in not getting their own needs met, and yet they endured. Other families may not have been extreme in their dysfunction, but they do not qualify as models of a vital partnership either.

If we come from a household where our parents did not offer a model of thriving partnership, there will be a strong tendency to play out many of the patterns that we repeatedly witnessed. We may find ourselves chronically repeating some of the same unwholesome behaviors, even if we swore long ago, that we wouldn’t act like them. There is more going on here than just not having good examples of what an intimate working partnership looks like.

In their insightful book, Imaginary Crimes, Lewis Engel, Ph.D. and Tom Ferguson, M.D. describe the imagined crimes that can prompt guilt in us, and how unconsciously we hold ourselves back from achieving in many domains, including establishing delightful, intimate partnerships. So many of us find that our partnerships are not working and don’t have a clue why they are so problematic. We may even notice that we are sabotaging them, and find ourselves confused as to why we would do the very things that we know do not promote well-being.

If we come from a family that did not demonstrate healthy relating, it may be strange to consider that we are being loyal to their long-standing tradition. And yet, there is a strong, yet largely unconscious impulse to act out “Now that I’m like you will you love me?”  Once we can notice the ways in which we are holding ourselves back, we become free of the impulse to repeat our family’s patterns. A conscious choice can finally be made to surpass our family of origin in all the ways that really matter to us, to be happier, to be more professionally successful, to have more meaningful friendships, to enjoy our life, savoring moments, and to become a deeply loving partner.

winner-1013979_1920Some families are truly happy to have their child outdo them. But others may resent our success. Even if they tell us that they are pleased about our accomplishments, we may feel the tension caused by their envy. We are wise to be careful not to sabotage our well-deserved competence and confidence, which is vying for dominance with our desire to fit in to, and be loyal to our family.

Rather than holding ourselves as a wicked sinner for being disloyal to our parents’ style of being in the world, we can learn to rejoice and feel proud that we are outstripping them in all the ways that are important to us. It is our choice whether we live in fear of out-shinning our family members who were unable to achieve their own goals. Not only can we manifest our own dreams, but some of the dreams that our parents were unable to accomplish as well. And when we do that, we redeem their suffering. We might not get the satisfaction of their gratitude, but we can go on to enjoy our successes, guilt free.

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Linda and Charlie Bloom are excited to announce the release of their third book, Happily Ever After . . . and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams.

Picture1Praise for Happily Ever After:

“Love experts Linda and Charlie shine a bright light, busting the most common myths about relationships. Using real-life examples, they skillfully, provide effective strategies and tools to create and grow a deeply loving and fulfilling long-term connection.” – Arielle Ford, author of Turn You Mate into Your Soulmate

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Guilty of the Sin of Outdoing

Bloomwork

Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at: www.Bloomwork.com


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APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2016). Guilty of the Sin of Outdoing. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 21, 2019, from https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationship-skills/2016/06/guilty-of-the-sin-of-outdoing/

 

Last updated: 10 Jun 2016
Statement of review: Psych Central does not review the content that appears in our blog network (blogs.psychcentral.com) prior to publication. All opinions expressed herein are exclusively those of the author alone, and do not reflect the views of the editorial staff or management of Psych Central. Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.