“You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at he skies, that is why you must sing and dance, and write poems and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.” –J. Krishnamurti
Linda: People these days are going into marriage with huge expectations of finding fulfillment. That is a worthy goal, but so many are not yet aware of the technology of what is required to obtain and co-create fulfillment in marriage. It takes longer than the mind believes it should take, and it’s harder than the mind thinks it should be. One significant part of moving in the direction of personal fulfillment is to create a larger space for both the marriage and both partners to evolve. Making room for it all is not about lowering the standards to allow for sloppy communication or disrespectful behaviors. On the contrary, a spacious relationship is characterized by curiosity, wonder, exploration, investigation, negotiation, dialogue, debate, feedback and learning.
Making room for it all is creating the big space, to make room for what Zorba calls “the full catastrophe” the love, freedom, hatred, bondage, despair, joy, grief, shame, gratitude, pain, control, surrender, and vulnerability. Too often, we exclude certain aspects of ourselves from our partner because we’re not comfortable with them. Once we commit to creating an inclusive relationship, we can allow for it all to be there. We honor that which we feared and rejected.
What does that mean? What does that look like? How do I do that? Where do I look to find others that are doing that? And the answer to those questions is pretty uniformly, “I don’t know,” and that’s where we are; we’re all stepping into a vast spacious unknown in response to those questions and concerns. So if you’re having trouble with this process, congratulations, you’re on the right track. Formulating the questions is an essential aspect of making more room.
When we look at the process of making space for it all, we have ample opportunity to face the confusion, breakdowns and all that relationships tend to flush up for us. We have a chance to develop practices that move us to become more understanding, tolerant, allowing, accepting and creative about meeting these challenges. We can push the edges of our comfort zone to make more room for the madness that relationship can be sometimes be.
Many of us have the notion that “I have got to find the right person out there who’s really conscious in a way that they’re not going to trigger me”. Many are waiting to be sufficiently enlightened before having a mature relationship. And yet it isn’t about arriving at being a conscious person first; it’s about being on the path and joining somebody in the commitment to evolve.
We often have more in common with the people we’re attracted to than we want to admit. We are all at various stages of our development. Doing our own work means having spent sufficient time and energy in the process of becoming awakened and learning to begin to see what it’s like to accept ourselves. We see in our minds eye that person as providing for us an experience for us what we don’t have access to alone. Through our mutual exchange of energies, we can become more fully who we are. We experience the awakening of certain parts of us that are blocked, that we don’t have access to without the catalyst of a relationship.
One of the most incredible opportunities about relationship is that we literally experience more fully who we are. We deepen our capacity to experience life in general when we have a close connection with another human being. The good news is that in being together we have access to the wonderful joyous aspects of being more fully alive, the enchantment, presence, laughter, fun, exuberance, sensuality, passion, all those parts that we can’t always access fully when we’re not connected.
It’s a positive addiction when we get on the path of personal development and start to experience success. We build up momentum that provokes more truth telling, prompting the integrity level to rise. We do have lapses, but the process of development as an individual and as a co-creative couple, starts to really pick up steam. Picking up the inspiration level allows us to continue to lean into the challenge. There is plenty of work to be done, communication skills to be mastered, and qualities to be cultivated. But there is support available to keep us motivated to continue toward our own consciousness. Having a vision of what’s possible by making room for it all keeps us pressing our growing edge. And out of our personal development, our closest relationships can manifest and grow.
Stay tuned for Making Room for It All Part Two to discover more practical ideals about how to co-create a more spacious relationship.
Linda and Charlie Bloom are excited to announce the release of their third book, Happily Ever After . . . and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams.