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Sometimes Not Helping Really Helps!

Photo: Konstantin Leonov
Photo: Konstantin Leonov

The toughest lessons can be the most powerful ones.

(Charlie) It isn’t always necessary to travel to exotic places to have enlightening experiences.  In fact, some of my most enriching moments have come from my local neighborhood, or in this case, my health club.  The other day, after spending an hour on the cardio machines, I was enjoying the peace and stillness of being alone in the club’s steam room.  Soaking in the hot, moist air is a ritual that I often reward myself with after my workouts.  On this day it was especially delicious since I had the usually crowded room to myself.

That is, until the door opened up and a woman came in and sat down across from me.  She was an older woman, probably in her 70’s.  I acknowledged her with a nod of my head, then closed my eyes to return to the stillness that I had briefly lost.  Ahhh. . . .

“I grew up in Tennessee and if someone ever told me that I’d be paying money to sit in a hot, steamy room I would have told them they were nuts!”

Her voice shattered the silence like a huge boulder splashing into a still pond.  “So much for a little silent meditation retreat”, I sighed to myself.  And now she probably expects a response from me.

I opened my eyes.  “Yeah.  We’re really lucky to be living in such a beautiful climate when so much of the rest of the country is sweltering in hot, muggy weather.”

“Woo-boy!”, she shouted. “The summers in Tennessee were so miserable!  You wouldn’t believe it!  And that was before air conditioning!  We didn’t even have a fan!  We lived in a small house.  It was really tiny!”

“Well”, I thought, “I might as well just join in the conversation because this scenario isn’t likely to change anytime soon.”  And so I did.  I let go of my attachment to being quiet and turned the knob to the conversation channel, choosing to ignore the sign on the wall that prohibited speaking above a whisper.

The woman whose name I never did get told me that she and her family of two sons and her husband had moved to California about 40 years ago.  “My older son was pretty wild in his youth.  He’s calmed down a lot over the years.  He was a surfer and he loved being out in the water.  He loved his freedom, didn’t care much for school when he was growing up.   One day we got a call from him.  He was in the county jail.  He’d been arrested for driving recklessly on his motorcycle.  He was still in his teens.  ‘Mom,’ he said, ‘they’re going to keep me in jail for ten days if I don’t come up with $300.  Can you help me out?!’

‘Sure’, I said, ‘I’ll bring the money down to the court house right away.’

‘Great! Thanks for bailing me out.’

‘Oh I’m not paying for you to get out, I’m bringing your money.’

‘Mine?’ he said.

‘Well of course.  You’re the one who got himself arrested, aren’t you?’

‘But I need that $300.00.’

‘Well, then save it, and spend the next 10 days in jail.’  And that’s exactly what he did.  And he hated it.  One day I went down to visit him and I recited a verse from a poem that I had memorized by Oscar Wilde.  The poem is called, The Ballad of The Reading Ga’ol.”

I never saw a man who looked with such a wistful eye,

upon that little tent of blue

which prisoners call the sky,

and at every drifting cloud that passed

in happy freedom by.

“He loved that verse and he memorized it and he recited it to some of the other prisoners.  They thought that I had written it and I became a local celebrity there for a few days.”

“The day my son was released from jail he looked up at that big blue sky that was now more than just a little tent.”  “Man is it great to be free.  I’m never ever going to do anything that could land me back in a place like that again.”  And he hasn’t.  He’s grown up to be a very decent and responsible man, with kids of his own, and he still loves to surf!”

The woman told me that not bailing her son out of jail and seeing him suffering there was one of the hardest things she’d ever done, but that she knew that it was the right thing.

“I hated to see him in that awful place, but looking back on it, I’m certain that it was one of the best spent 10 days of my son’s life.  He learned some very big lessons about life in a very short period of time.  And he never forgot them.”

Sometimes life gives us experiences that are painful but brief.  If we can show up for them and really integrate the teaching into our lives, we can avoid much more painful experiences later on.  It’s like an inoculation in which the body develops an immunity to an invasive disease by getting a small dose of it. These inoculations only work when we fully internalize the lessons and open ourselves to the full impact of the experience.  It’s more painful than avoiding it or running away or having someone else pay instead, but the long-term value of the experience is priceless.

When we try to protect others from the natural consequences of their behavior, our efforts may inadvertently result in an outcome far worse than the one we helped them to avoid.  It may be an act of much greater love to support someone to accept and deal with and come to terms with the natural consequences of their choices than to rescue them from those results.  Failing to get the message in the inoculation stage all but guarantees us that the message will be delivered again and again in the future in increasingly larger doses until we finally do get it.  The Universe is very generous and persistent in offering us an abundance of opportunities to learn the lessons that support our ongoing evolution.

It’s been said there are two types of pain.  The first or “primary pain” is that pain that is intrinsic to life.  It is unavoidable, like toothaches, an illness, hurt feelings, losses, disappointments, traffic jams, choosing the wrong relationship partner or the wrong line at the supermarket checkout counter, to name a few examples.  These things happen.  Hopefully we can learn from them and not make a habit of repeating behaviors that make them more likely to reoccur.

The second kind of pain, “secondary pain” is that which we can create in trying to avoid, deny, or escape from the first.  The noted analyst, Carl Jung has said that 10% of the pain we experience is probably unavoidable.  The other 90% is what we create in trying to avoid the unavoidable.

Think about that the next time you find yourself trying to rescue yourself or someone else from the consequences of their actions.  Learning how to learn from our experiences may be one of the wisest things that we ever do.  It sure beats the alternative!

Stay cool.

Sometimes Not Helping Really Helps!


Linda Bloom LCSW and Charlie Bloom MSW are considered experts in the field of relationships. They have been married since 1972. They have both been trained as seminar leaders, therapists and relationship counselors and have been working with individuals, couples, and groups since 1975. They have been featured presenters at numerous conferences, universities, and institutions of learning throughout the country and overseas as well. They have appeared on over two hundred radio and TV programs. Linda and Charlie are co-authors of the widely acclaimed books: 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married: Simple Lessons to Make Love Last (over 100,000 copies sold) Secrets of Great Marriages: Real Truth from Real Couples about Lasting Love, and Happily Ever After...and 39 Other Myths about Love: Breaking Through to the Relationship of Your Dreams. The Blooms are excited to announce the release of their fourth book, That Which Doesn't Kill Us: How One Couple Became Stronger at the Broken Places. They live in Santa Cruz, California, near their two children and three grandchildren. To view our upcoming events and to sign up for our free newsletter, visit our website at:

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APA Reference
Bloom, L. (2014). Sometimes Not Helping Really Helps!. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 25, 2019, from


Last updated: 4 Jul 2014
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