36 thoughts on “7 Gaslighting Phrases Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use To Silence You, Translated

  • March 19, 2019 at 7:32 am

    It’s been really hard to accept that a person I care so much for has all these behaviors of a narcissist. He played the victim because of the struggles he goes through as a law enforcement officer. He has discarded me a couple of times when i questioned his behavior of disappearing constantly from me and used me in very abusive ways, He said he does things his ways. I have been in a extremely confused state of mind that affected my everyday simple things I was used to. Thank you for this excellent article, it is very helpful, my faith, therapy and a lot physical exercise is what is healing me from this painful heartache and confusion.

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  • March 19, 2019 at 8:52 am

    Truth! Great article.

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  • March 19, 2019 at 9:42 am

    In America, we are all gaslighted by our leaders.

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  • March 19, 2019 at 11:31 am

    I like Shahida , when ever I see one of your articles I’m always excited to get to read it.
    this one describes just about my whole experience in a narcissist relationship, if only I would have known some of this a lot sooner, or maybe not, it took as long as it took for me to wake up maybe for a reason. I am still not out of the relationship , any sooner an I wouldn’t have been strong enough to observe what is happening and not play or get sucked into the manipulation. it’s like I’m watching a play on a stage an the actors want the audience to participate, only i’m not doing it. I know that I don’t want to go on like this forever, I want more true intimacy with a deep emotional connection, an I know it will not happen with her. Then there is all the mental an physical, healing I’ll have to do before I can start to achieve this.
    thank you

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  • March 19, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    TWO PETITIONS — PLEASE READ, SIGN, AND SHARE PETITIONS: https://www.change.org/p/american-psychological-asso-and-congress-must-address-emotional-and-psychological-abuse-as-a-crime-europe-recognizes-emotional-and-psychological-abuse-as-a-crime-u-s-needs-to-stop-turning-a-blind-eye-to-this-type-of-terrorism
    NEW PETITION TO CONGRESS DATED 03¬18¬2019: CONGRESS PERMITS ONLY 800 CHARACTERS IN THE DESCRIPTION. THEY WILL NOT DISCUSS AND ISSUE UNTIL IT RECEIVES 100,000 SIGNATURES IN 30 DAYS. PLEASE READ, SIGN, AND SHARE THE PETITION TO CONGRESS: https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/parental-alienation-and-emotional-and-psychological-abuse-need-be-criminalized-other-countries-countries-0

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  • March 19, 2019 at 10:07 pm

    You nailed it!!! Reading through each one, I could hear his voice saying those things to me and I realised at the end I had been holding my breath.

    When I have been questioned at work, ‘How can a Police Officer be a victim of domestic violence?’, well this doesn’t leave a physical mark but a psychological and emotional one. And can be done over the phone, behind closed doors, at work, in public. It never stops.

    Thank you.

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  • March 19, 2019 at 11:39 pm

    This article was on point I survived a narcissistic marriage of 11 years. I executed my plan and divorced him. Still hv some residual pain but remain hopeful.

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  • March 20, 2019 at 7:42 am

    You left one out, one I used to hear from my abusive, narcissistic father; “Are you sure…”. It would undermine my self confidence and cause confusion that I did not know what was real and what was not.

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  • March 20, 2019 at 10:24 am

    This is not a comment but a question how or where do they learn to do this. My husaband has never heard of gas lighting but he knows how

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    • March 21, 2019 at 12:55 pm

      I believe it comes “naturally”. My mother has all but destroyed my life completely, all while playing the victim and hero. She wasn’t raised that way, my grandparents are wonderful people. But to some degree she felt neglected or emotionally abused by them. I believe because of her own mental illness she believes, truly, that she is the victim and that how she treats her victims is fair or deserved. They need to be the center of everyone’s universe and if not feel justified. I think it’s trial and error how they learn to do it. My mother started with me very young and had plenty of time to hone her skills by the time I was a teenager. I think she actually can’t help it because she honestly can’t see it and believes her own craziness. The only way to end it was to end the relationship.

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      • April 1, 2019 at 6:08 am

        Thank you so much for this article. # 6 in particular develastated my self esteem. I believe that my husband is a covert narcissist. When you talked about bending over backwards to meet an arbitrary target so I don’t have time to realize what he is doing, I got chills. 5 years ago, I decided to disengage from him as much as possible for that reason. Articles like this are so validating. When I stopped trying to please him, because I realized that he couldn’t be pleased, I experienced so much guilt. This article reinforces that I did the right thing. Next step is to leave but it has been difficult. I can relate to 5 out of 7 of the points. I guess that’s as much confirmation as I will get.

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      • April 2, 2019 at 10:20 pm

        So true, I’ve been abused from my wife who comes from s long line of them, her mom, her grandma all were/are verbally, physically, emotionally abusive. I’ve had my wife physically attacked me 5x, the verbal never really stopped, I would get the daily F*”k you, the you’re a Mother Effer, a POS. This is even after almost 4 yrs of marriage counseling and she admitted it all. I did file a police report for 1 of the 5 attacks but I should have had her arrested for all 5 but I felt guilty. Now I’m in a divorce custody case, she hasn’t let me see our 2 little girls in almost 9 months, after 2 weeks of her mom verbally and physically abusing our 2 sons when my wife took all 4 kids she at least knew will her mom was going to escalate and let me get them. Our boys are 11-13 and we’re traumatized by her mom and my wife one this was all happening and sat there and did nothing while her mom screamed at my 10 yr old son calling him a coward because he wouldn’t agree thaty side of the family- my dad, mom, stepdad, stepmom were bad, evil, losers, the devil when all 4 of our kids all they knew for grandparents was my parents as in over almost 14 yrs never sent a bday card, never once asked for pics of the baby’s, kids or ever asked to talk to our kitchen D’s on phone. Ever. Now I’m in a divorce- custody battle and trying to get her dragged back to our home state for the divorce case as she filed our state and went to her mom’s thinking I have zero rights as a dad. I know this case is going to get ugly and I’ll probably lose but I do know and it breaks my heart our sons know what’s up and I feel bad that our sons don’t feel they have a mom. It’s sad, they have been in therapy since I got them home and go every week. What’s terrible is I’ve asked my wife to get our girls into therapy but she she refused and my wife is a Social Worker, I’ve asked her wouldn’t you tell any of your clients to make them do therapy? She ignores it, my gut feeling is she oniw if they go to therapy the counselor will find out about the parental alienation going on by my wife’s mother. It’s a mess.

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      • April 13, 2019 at 9:05 am

        This sounds like my story. Except when I stopped engaging completely, he found someone else. 14 years of marriage, and this is how I was treated. I moved 4xs for his career. Only to be chewed up and spit out like a bad piece of meat. But, I won in the end! For I have my sanity back! I’m still going through the divorce process. Writing up a settlement. He’s in a hurry to divorce. So hopefully he will sign.

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      • May 7, 2019 at 2:14 pm

        “…all while playing the victim and hero…”

        OMG – to me that is such a key point. I’ve discovered my wife texting/flirting and more with four different men over the last few years. But SHE’S the one who’s unhappy, you see? She sacrifices everything for the family. The problem is that I won’t trust her, not that she’s betraying my trust. The problem is that I won’t let go of old issues, not that we’re talking about a betrayal from a few days/weeks/months ago.

        She’s portrayed me as unstable to friends and family. She is the poor, helpless, misunderstood victim. She is incapable of taking responsibility for her actions. She has a sense of entitlement to do whatever she wants and feels that if she gets caught it’s me “stalking” her.

        I’ve been married 25 years and I don’t know if my wife has always been a gaslighter, but I now see how much of one she is.

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    • March 21, 2019 at 9:20 pm

      Rebecca they don’t always know that there’s a name to what they’re doing. It’s a psychological/spiritual disorder. I would suggest you see more of Rashida’s videos on narcissism, on youtube.

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  • March 20, 2019 at 10:45 pm

    This is 100% accurate. I would and could with evidence, witnesses, anything necessary, testify to get my husband (live 2.5 hrs away from him because I’ll die if I dont) to answer and pay for what he has done to me.

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  • March 22, 2019 at 1:56 am

    you could add another one to the list: “I’m just trying to make you a better person”.

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    • May 6, 2019 at 11:25 am

      Damn, I got this too. He would also say, “honestly believe you’re just that stupid you don’t even get it.” …..Get what? That I saw through your bs and called you out on it?!? Then he would flip it and say I was a raging narc and I am deflecting. Then send me narc posts. Definitely makes me question everything in my life.

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  • March 22, 2019 at 10:13 am

    One thing that wasn’t mentioned…while the play did alot to bring Gaslighting to the public consciousness, the origins of the technique are far more sinister and older than this. The Nazis used gaslighting when interrogating their prisoners of war, torturing them and depriving them of sleep, food and water while their sanity would be questioned. The interrogators would twist the prisoner’s words and claim they admitted to things they hadn’t until they had no grasp on what was real or imagined.

    These abhorrent, demented acts were done in damp, dark basements, tunnels and even dungeons under…gaslight. Hence the term, which was later repurposed for the play and film.

    As an FYI, the initial use was just as evil as the psychological warfare used in toxic relationships.

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  • March 22, 2019 at 10:57 am

    I just found out my husband has brain cancer- but he was doing things before- I am not sure if it’s in my head.

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  • March 23, 2019 at 1:40 pm

    My life story. From parents, to ex husband. Single 25+ yrs, when it all started again. My ‘happy family’ (me, adult kids in their 30s + grandkids all living in same home) rented a room to a young man…within days I knew it would end badly. Within 3 months, My oldest 2 estranged from me, now over a year since I was ‘blocked’ from their lives and the grandchildren I helped raise for 16 yrs.
    It was seriously like living in a bad movie. I went 1,000 miles away, ended up in homeless shelter. Getting back on track, but at age 57, not easy. I’ve aged /10 yrs in last 15 months. The damage is widespread…are they ever held accountable?

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  • March 24, 2019 at 12:42 am

    Id like to add the phrase “your so controlling, why wont you just let me do what ever I want?” to the list.

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    • March 25, 2019 at 4:09 pm

      So true! I was accused of being of being the crazy jealous controlling psycho and nothing could be farther from the truth. He was describing himself. I was constantly put down. He used to tell me you have no friends. And yet he never allowed me to have friends of my own. Anyone that I knew in the last six and a half years that knew him too I know I cannot trust anymore. He called me controlling and it had only begun to escalate in the final throes because he wanted more freedom to betray and humiliate me further.

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  • March 26, 2019 at 9:59 am

    I need some help… our youngest son is a gas lighter. He is a master at it. I love him so much but don’t know what to do to make him get help. I can’t just walk away and leave him homeless. He is very intelligent.. went to college, working while doing so, earned his degree had a good job but after learning home got mixed up in a horrid religious cult.. lost his job and has become so bitter. We are keeping him going with his apartment, food etc because he likes to provoke arguments w/me. I’m old and can’t live forever but I am worrying about what will happen when I and his father pass away. I’m so sad and heartbroken over this.

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    • March 27, 2019 at 12:16 am

      You have to accept that you cannot control someone else. Your son will never change as long as you keep enabling his behavior. He knows this and is using it to his advantage. It is not a bad thing to walk away from an abuser, no matter how much you love them. As long as you keep allowing someone to abuse and take advantage of you, they will continue to do it. Set boundaries, and if your son refuses to accept your boundaries, walk away. There is nothing more you can do to help him.

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  • March 27, 2019 at 6:59 am

    This is gold. I hope it reaches to more people. Thank you

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  • March 27, 2019 at 9:31 am

    My biggest sadness with my involvement with a N, is tht my daughter married a N, just like her stepfather.
    As a result, I do not see my only two grandchildren. He withholds the children from all family.
    I have a very close long distance relationship with my daughter, and will never give up on her. She knows her situation is awful, yet, her N seems to have a grip on her. All craziness. She is bright, has a career, and needs to walk away. Yet, the children love their father. She struggles.
    I am more understanding about her situation because I have had a N in my life for 25 years. Everyday is a challenge.
    I appreciate this blog

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  • March 27, 2019 at 6:45 pm

    I am wondering if there might be advice for my situation. My N and I have been married close to 24 years. He is 16 years older.
    Terrible crazy making years due to my not fully understanding he was a N.
    He now has failing health, allienated all those in his life. Result- lonely, old man. And verbally abusive because he is failing and does not feel well, and has no control or power like he once had. I elect to stay and be his caretaker because to leave would be financially devastating to me He’d trash the place out of spite.
    I have spoken to him about the boundary of not ok to speak badly to me, or he cannot stay in the home. He will back down, but really hates me. Selfishly I do not want to send him to a assisted living and drain our bank acct. I actually want to take care of him. Yet, how can I continue to care for him when abusive language is not OK?
    I am a caretaker by nature.
    Am I crazy?

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  • April 4, 2019 at 9:18 pm

    Excellent article. I am more than a year free and clear of “the experience”, and I have become a reluctant expert on the signs and pathology of narcissistic abuse. Part of my recovery involved learning all the terms associated with what I endured. It was cathartic to link all the self-centered and deceptive behaviors I put up with to peer-reviewed, clinical definitions of emotional abuse. The version I dealt with was surgically subtle: she turned her deception and infidelity into my jealousy and paranoia through triangulation, stonewalling, and leveraging the truth bias. These people are dangerously ill. I believe this article has perhaps the best summary of the evil and deception of which these narcissists are capable.

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  • April 6, 2019 at 2:40 pm

    Two more :
    1. Everyone has problems … yeah, this is common, so many others are dealing with this. *Used for the purpose of invalidating your pain by diluting it in the ocean of humanity, thus effectively shutting you down*
    2. Stop talking about it, you are causing your own self-fulfilling prophecies by focusing on them. *Making you feel like you are only wanting attention by being dramatic about things you are purposely creating yourself, thus effectively shutting you down.

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  • April 15, 2019 at 9:33 am

    My boss (woman) is a narcissist. I and my fellow employees feel helpless because no one we can go to believes us. It’s very oppressive.

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  • April 21, 2019 at 2:48 pm

    My mum (the narcissist) is unfortunately so clever that she won’t send texts or emails to me and I know this is because she doesn’t want a ‘paper trail’ of evidence. She insists I phone her and she only phones me. Although I have managed to record some of her calls, juggling my cell phone, switching the sound recorder on while trying to hold a normal conversation with her, is very difficult.

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  • April 26, 2019 at 8:20 am

    Husband never apologize or right a wrong. Just plays like nothing happens. His grown daughter being rude and disrepectful to me, chucking spit, as i dont have children, because shes angry at him for not raising her and never made her apologize to me because the police was involved but its ok for her to pop up in town and do whatever she wants to do, basically, stop drop and roll for her when it makes me feel anixious when it comes around.All i want is my apology and ut going on 4yrs but she wanna spend time with her ” daddy” at 30 yrs old

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  • May 5, 2019 at 10:05 am

    I am in a gaslight marriage, each time I read what the abuser will say or do I live this nightmare every single day, and have noway to get out. I deal with mental Illness already and he magnifies it times 1000, he places things in and outside the home of women’s personal clothing items, I found he had purchased light bulbs that are used with the Alexa app to control things in your home, He would make the refrigerator beep then stop beeping telling me our refrigerator was broke, It’s a new one let me add, Then everything in my home began tearing up so I began digging I knew something wasn’t right, so I found this thing I’m between the door of my refrigerator that had been placed there to control the functioning of my refrig. He has told everyone in my town how crazy I am, he has to me I’m going to have you locked away for a very long time, he will rare back as to hot me then laugh saying I’m just joking, he had picked up a bar stool raised it above his head, coming down quickly like he was going to hit me over the head, stopped right before he reached me and laughed, saying just kidding, He hit me and my son came running in and he tells my son she hit me I didn’t do anything my son calls the police and my husband tells them Everytime he is a victim of demostic violence I’m so depressed and lost nowhere to go or seek help

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  • May 6, 2019 at 10:22 am

    I agree with this post but I do disagree with the part where it mentions remember: the one who has something to hide hates being interrogated. My ex narc interrogated me, his kids, his ex all the time. He would DRILL us like we were on the witness stand. It drove me insane. His kids and I dreaded telling him anything because he would go on and on convinced we were hiding more details. That was because he was always hiding something. Hard to unlearn the 4.5 yrs of the gaslighting damage. I am a shell of myself and I can’t remember ANYTHING anymore. So scary. I feel like I am losing my mind half the time. 15 days no contact!

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  • May 19, 2019 at 8:48 pm

    Upon reading this, I felt my chest open up, like I was finally able to catch my breath. My mother has been gaslighting me for most of my adult life. A few years ago, I started logging some of the worst conversations and statements so that I could look back and have more certainty that she actually made them. She really does make me feel like I’m nuts. 2 days ago, I mentioned to her on a phone call that I had signed up for a dating website. She told me that no one would want the burden of a relationship with me (I am on disability with an autoimmune disease). I repeated back to her what she said. I asked her if she meant that and if that could ever change. She confirmed and said maybe several years from now, but probably not. I said that her words were offensive and hurtful and that I had to end the call. When she called today, I told her I was still upset. She said that I had imagined these statements and made them up from 1-2 words that I “didn’t hear right.” Among other things, she said she was tired of my cognitive dysfunction and having to deal with my “aggressive outbursts.” I KNOW what she said, but in the face of her stark denial, I can’t help but question myself, even after this behavior has gone on for years. She is my only caregiver, so walking away isn’t possible. Reading this, at least, gave me some comfort.

    P.S. Today she also told me that a year ago, she found one of my written logs. She said that I had lied about everything she’d said, and she threw it away. Why would I lie in a private diary!!

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