11 thoughts on “5 Dating Red Flags of Narcissists We Mistake For Intimacy

  • July 25, 2018 at 6:49 am

    I would to see articles like this help men as well to identify and protect themselves from Narcissists

    • July 25, 2018 at 7:28 pm

      I think that the article applies to both genders but that’s just my take on it. I’ve seen narcissistic traits in females and they are similar to the article. For me it is staying away from these personalities and finding some “safe” people. I used to think I could stand up to them or figure them out or whatever but it just bought me pain and frustration. They are best left to their own devices. Good luck.

    • July 26, 2018 at 12:12 am

      Richard Grannon might be right up your alley.
      Although this article may seem to be just a female’s perspective the abusive behavior is the same or similar regardless of gender identity.

  • July 25, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    So when is Myth #2 actually true?
    As time goes by, things happen that can provoke an unusual reaction- time periods of extreme stress that normally do not happen (death of a parent/child/sibling/friend) and other events can create a response atypical of the person.

    How long does it take to have a good feel for what is typical and atypical?

    I’ve had two abusive marriages but neither one went south until about 3 years into the marriage. With the second one, it was easier to identify the problem (and unfortunately harder to leave due to finances). And in both, the marriages did not happen for over a year of knowing each other. My partner also has had similar circumstances where it took a long time to identify typical v atypical responses. (we are 8 years and on-going in commitment, even if we aren’t old enough to register the partnership- have to be 62 in California).

  • July 26, 2018 at 8:12 am

    I particularly enjoy the simplicity and at the same time detail of this article and am looking forward to reading Shahida’s books.

    I have lived this life for a lot of my life including childhood.

    I really believe that from early childhood, as a part of our life skills learning, it is important to learn about personalities and how to be safe with and without parental support.

    How to identify and steer clear of people and behaviours that are toxic.

    How to protect ourselves and our friends in a safe way.

    Were we to learn these skills at least as young teens or preteen (tween), we would benefit hugely by steering clear of relationships that are damaging short and long term.

    Thanks for sharing this article.

  • July 27, 2018 at 8:28 am

    Growing up I had no sense of being systematically abused by both my dad and sister. As an adult I’ve ended up in abusive controlling relationships. The assaults, put downs, lies, gaslighting, controlling behaviors etc., beat me down so far that I felt like a miserable human being. Yet, still I couldn’t recognize that what was happening to me qualified as abuse on different levels.

    The very sad truth is that having been systematically abused from early childhood into adulthood, by my own family, created all the wrong messages such as that what I was being subjected to by my own family, was normal. In Adulthood I have repeated and re created my family of origin. I honestly had no sense of at all of what constituted abuse or not. Hence I accepting such appalling behaviors towards me thinking once more that it must have been something I had done.

    After much reading I can see that my sister and mother were both full blown narcissists and my dad was violent alcoholic. However, what I’ll never understand is why family can treat a member of the family, and the youngest, is such a cruel way. Beats me!

    • October 13, 2018 at 12:38 pm

      Big hug for you Alison. Good luck ever finding love and trust, but it can be done, I believe. Working to undo the damage done is so damned hard sometimes, but it’s fighting the good fight if ever there was one. Bless you.

  • August 1, 2018 at 9:26 pm

    I am married to a narcissist. What the worst part of the whole thing is that my wife is a charge nurse at the nearby state run psychiatric hospital. She is in charge of a unit there and supposedly helps victims of drugs, violence, abuse, as well as other psychiatric things. So she helps people but as soon as work is over she reverts to her narcissistic self. The change between the 2 personalities could not be any different. Looking back almost 20 years, i seen the warning signs when we 1st started dating but i did not know what to do. I had never dealt with someone of this nature before. There was the love bombing, the control she wanted over me, even the put downs began-example-only her brother was the only one in her life who could do anything right. I did not know what i was getting into. Not a clue. I wish i knew then what i know now.

    • November 26, 2018 at 7:00 am

      My situation is very similar to yours. My husband was loving and sweet in the beginning, but over the years he has become worse and worse. He has withdrawn all affection and empathy but demands high levels of attention from me. His behavior towards me and our kids has gotten more and more outrageous. He is adept, however, at seeming like a nice guy in company. I am not the shy obedient type, though, so we have had many conflicts and the friction has gotten unbearable.

      He is a college level educator and he is a great mentor to his students but comes home to verbally abuse and belittle his own children. We have been married 20 years and I’m finally close to financially capable of leaving the marriage (he keeps all his accounts inaccessible to me so I have had to find money on my own). I’m terrified of what his reaction will be, though, when the marriage does end.

  • September 18, 2018 at 10:01 pm

    Whether sociopath or narcissist, the longer you are with them, the weaker you become. I found out the hard way. She knew every button to push. She had to be the life of the party. And appearances (not just her looks) were at the top of her priority list. they can be the top stressor in your life and ruin you for years if you let them. Looking back, I realize that she really had all the control in the relationship. When I made good money and could compliment or further her lifestyle, but when a good job ended and there were financial problems…I was the problem. Though we were engaged, she said that if we lost the house we were through. I was out and that was final. Bear in mind that I had to refinance the house on my credit because she couldn’t pay for it. I don’t see how she could have kept the wedding vows seriously anyway. A narcissist won’t stick with you through thick and thin. No open wounds but the mental scars remain forever. The word humble is not listed in their dictionary. My current wife is just the opposite. Not the sophistication or degree or money, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    • September 28, 2018 at 3:37 am

      Did your ex keep stringing you along even after divorce? I am dating a victim, that still asks for her approval. It’s hardfor me to accept that he isn’t still in love with her. Did it take you a long time to regain your confidence. Were you scared of angering her? Was she physically abusive as well as mentally? Thank you I’m having a hard time understanding the hold she has on him.


Join the Conversation!

We invite you to share your thoughts and tell us what you think in this public forum. Before posting, please read our blog moderation guidelines. A first name or pseudonym is required and will be displayed with your comment. Your email address is also required, but will be kept private. (Please note that we use gravatars here, which are tied to your email address.) A website/blog/twitter address is optional.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *