43 thoughts on “6 Dark Traits of The Female Sociopath

  • July 2, 2018 at 9:51 pm

    Yup, my narc hub got tricked by one of these females. every single trait. it’s as if you knew her. well, he got what he deserved. too bad i was the collateral damage.

    Reply
    • July 6, 2018 at 5:57 pm

      Sorry to hear you went through this! These predatory types tend to be eerily similar to one another.

      Reply
  • July 2, 2018 at 11:14 pm

    Great article. I am a victim of one. Actually I refuse to be one. The best defense is educating yourself.

    Reply
    • July 6, 2018 at 5:58 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Hitesh. I agree, knowledge is power!

      Reply
      • July 6, 2018 at 6:10 pm

        Great website and articles. Can I email you periodically if I need some advice etc. If so what is your email address? I just have some questions

        Reply
  • July 4, 2018 at 11:49 am

    I’ve been a victim of one as well and had to implement those suggestions. Luckily, it was NOT romantic.

    Sometimes one’s gut feeling starts telling you something doesn’t quite seem to feel right.

    Reply
    • July 6, 2018 at 6:00 pm

      Sorry to hear you went through this. I agree, our gut instincts can be powerful tools to protect ourselves!

      Reply
  • July 4, 2018 at 11:59 pm

    An excellent article. I see how the sociopath in my life is filled with jealousy for what I have and she does not. No matter how much she hurts and humiliates me, it will never be enough, because she will never have what I have. She may have taken my man but she will eventually dump him. He will be a lost puppy when she does. The woman may enjoy the pain she causes but I think it only makes her look foolish to the executive staff. The sociopath does not see herself for who she really is (or does she?).

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    • July 6, 2018 at 6:03 pm

      Thanks for your comment, Joyce. I believe toxic types on the high and malignant end of the narcissistic spectrum know what they’re doing and are aware of the harm it causes. That is why they put so much effort into presenting a false mask to society and to gaslight their victims into believing they are not accountable. Some take sadistic pleasure in their manipulative behavior and their ability to dupe people.

      Reply
      • October 28, 2018 at 5:13 pm

        Hi there, remember that old saying if one lies enough they will start to believe their own lies. I believe there is much truth to this even if I can’t entirely understand its implication.

        For the rest of my life I anticipate I will be impacted by one of these because I have a child with one who has been and is used as a weapon against me.

        In my experience there is no approach you can have with these people that will allow you to to reach they’re good sense of right and wrong moral and immoral ECT if you have all the good normal traits that they do not such as empathy or conviction.

        I often wonder if she is completely delusional because the web of manipulation & dramatization it is so absolutely mind-blowing. Or perhaps they are just purely malicious which I find more likely and very perplexing because I’m just not built to reach her in any form of normal thinking much less understand how one can be so misguided.

        She always claimed that she was molested as a child which I do not doubt and feel is probably true as well as terrible regardless of anything.

        I believe that in many cases these people perpetuate behaviors that they were subject to from a young age and for a substantial portion of their life growing into adulthood. I believe in this case largely, is that it had to be ingrained in her to the point of hardwiring her thought processes beyond repair. I also believe that because of her experiences if that were the case, that there’s a component of ” general man-hating” for lack of a more fitting term.

        She used to say that when she finally told her mom about her step dad, her mother took his side and she disowned her mother for it. She said with resentment, that her father left them at a very young age… Now he is back in her life and I can’t help but struggle with thoughts that her mother exhibited certain behaviors that she herself is exhibiting and he never in fact left them, he either just did what he needed to do to keep his sanity and survive or was manipulated and driven away by her mother. I tend to believe the latter of the two and that she is following in the same footsteps Of her mother as one who is completely oblivious to the harm caused to her own child as she continually alienates her inadvertently by alienating me.

        I left her because I found myself mentally and emotionally spinning out of control into a downward spiral.
        The final of countless straws was when I caught her cheating on me with someone who she had me believing was just a friend right from the day I met her. She had been seeing him before she met me and all through the relationship despite the fact that we were having a kid together.
        For the sake of family and trying to make it work I went back and forth on that day 20 times or more pleading with her to break all communication with him but she refused.

        I had no choice but to leave as I could never trust this person again and my love for her had morphed into disgust among many other things not conducive to building a family with this person.

        Now 5 years later with very little contact with my daughter respectively to the time that has passed, I am terrified and torn as to whether or not I should take her to court because I know with my given circumstances it can just get worse because she can play every angle that she has step by step put in place in this sadistic constructive hers with which, she has many technical angles in the very corrupt upside down family law system.

        Reply
  • July 6, 2018 at 5:44 am

    A month have passed since such kind of girl suddenly dropped me liike a garbage just because she find new source of supply already. It was so painful. I was not able to sleep, not able to eat for some days. I felt anxiety, fear and shock. My body was shaking and I felt incredible pain, it was like the heroin withdrawal that I saw in the movies. I was not able to do my job. But fortunately I have a good friends, who saw us together and they tald me that she is a psycopath. Then I started to google what does it mean, and it was a revelation. I realised that I was one from her long long list of a relations. I’ve read a few books about this topic already, and now I’m reading your book. Thank you so much for your job, it very helpful.
    Today I broke my No Contact and I recieved nothing than pain. Now she is with a very good and simple guy like me and I feel it was my fault that she met him and now he will receive all that pain. I feel so bad and nobody can understand me. Or may it all just my attachment?
    But things are going better, I almost able to sleep and pain is not so strong so thank you very much.

    Reply
    • July 6, 2018 at 5:56 pm

      I am sorry to hear you’re going through such a difficult time, Alex. Unfortunately, these toxic types tend to terrorize their victims and the aftermath can be devastating. This was undoubtedly a traumatic relationship, so it is always helpful to seek professional support on your journey. I am so glad these articles and the book are helping!

      Reply
  • July 6, 2018 at 6:10 am

    A month have passed since such kind of girl suddenly dropped me liike a garbage just because she find new source of supply already. It was so painful. I was not able to sleep, not able to eat for some days. I felt anxiety, fear and shock. My body was shaking and I felt incredible pain, it was like the heroin withdrawal that I saw in the movies. I was not able to do my job. But fortunately I have a good friends, who saw us together and they tald me that she is a psycopath. Then I started to google what does it mean, and it was a revelation. I realised that I was one from her long long list of a relations. I’ve read a few books about this topic already, and now I’m reading your book. Thank you so much for your job, it very helpful.
    Today I broke my No Contact and I recieved nothing than pain. Now she is with a very good and simple guy like me and I feel it was my fault that she met him and now he will receive all that pain. I feel so bad and nobody can understand me. Or may it all just my attachment?
    But things are going better, I almost able to sleep and pain is not so strong so thank you very much.

    Reply
  • July 7, 2018 at 11:17 am

    This is a great article that clearly and accurately depicts the inner workings of a narcissistic psychopathic mind. I would like to add two additional points from my experience of growing up in a family with two parents very high in narcissistic traits and displaying psychopathic tendencies as well as marrying into familiarity.

    1. Men can display the same feminine traits of psychopathy and relational aggression if they are modeling or mimicking a female power model. Since psychopathy is generally understood to have a genetic link within families, if mom is the narcissist or psychopath in the family, he will learn his manipulative strategy from her.

    2. Beware of the idea that narcissists and more accurately psychopaths do not display anxiety. This is a fallacy and a dangerous one at that. Psychopaths mimic normal, human behavior in both an effort to ‘blend in’ and to achieve their goals. They will absolutely display traits of anxiety, insecurity, self doubt, and a need for validation to manipulate, control, and draw their potentional targets to them. Showing distress creates the environment for those with emotional empathy to help them. I cannot count the number of times I responded to anxiety and distress ‘incorrectly’ and watched the mask drop in such a shocking and chilling way only to see the mask put back on and continue with the anxiety, distress act as if the mask slip never occurred.

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    • February 15, 2019 at 12:53 pm

      So true. One thing that I witness were my MIL’s Crocodile Tears. Her being one way trying to get a reaction then literally putting on a mask of faux sadness (for herself which naturally to her meant others should weep with her too because she’s such a great human being anything that brings her sadness must be reflected in her son, too, right? Wrong.). I was dumbfounded watching her faux tears feeling sorry for herself that her son isn’t able to give her as much of his undivided attention quite the way she felt she deserved to be paid attention to…He just slid away from the situation without pissing her off, as he has learned to do so well) But, I have never seen a woman so emotionally committed to domination of others as my mother-in-law is. It’s been an ordeal to survive a marriage to someone who’s entire family of origin revolves around his mom. By the way after her brother died, who was truly the heart of the family, she now self-describes herself as “The matriarch of the family.” She’s the self-appointed leader, queen, authority on all things — all the time. And the only people in her inner circle agree with this dynamic and accept it all. Why? Don’t ask me. They look utterly exhausted by it all, but their whole life is showing up for the family holidays — ALL of them – all the time and paying homage to the Queen and her husband, the sub-queen, they are both very covert (occasionally he is full on hostile and aggressive which has been frightening, but only to serve her will is he aggressive. He would literally injure others on her behalf.) That’s the lock-hold she has on her immediate family.

      Reply
  • July 27, 2018 at 9:12 am

    Good article about the covert agression taught to women and how it affects behavior of people with these traits, but I disagree that all narcissistic and sociopathic females play into a “sweet” mask. They do fake sweetness to appear normally empathetic, but may also project a mask that is ruthlessly ambitious or careless or just rebellious, and will be quite up front about their sadistic nature in ways they know some people (maybe some men in particular) will feel obliged to excuse them and not hold them responsible for their actions. They will say things like “I’m a bitch and I know it” or “that’s just my personality, I just know what I want and I take it” and use male perception as leverage to gaining more “social power” as they see it. Even though real female power would not be reliant on male affirmation or support.

    Reply
  • August 3, 2018 at 7:56 am

    The person that fits these descriptions sadly is my mother. I’m 52 and only 6 yrs ago was told by a close friend that my mother was the biggest Narcissist she had ever seen. I had no clue as to what Narcissism/psychopaths was. I have spent the last 6 years trying to understand and find if or what can do. But everything seems to say the same thing- Get rid of them from your life. My mom is the only family I have left alive. No brothers, sisters or any kids of my own. Even though my father raised me, I always loved my mom, didn’t get much time around her – but she still is my mom. Learning about Narcissism= cleared up a lot of things about my childhood, tho hard to let go/get rid of etc.. of things you carried as your fault for 45 yrs- even when knowing wasn’t your fault. She won’t even talk to me or answer any letters now for past 8 yrs. I do a police wellness check on her twice a year- and every time get response from officers that she was pissy with them because they did a check because I asked them. She’s in her 70’s – guess I’m still trying to figure out how to get her to at least talk to me. Am I just fighting a losing battle?

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    • September 5, 2018 at 12:39 pm

      Hello Lee-
      What an unfair and painful circumstance you are in.
      I do not want this to sound unkind, but I must be blunt. Your mother is not going to provide you with the kind of healthy connection that you seem to yearn for. It may be a blessing that she is unresponsive– you are being spared inevitable emotional cruelty.
      You are not without family ( I often feel this way as well). Perhaps just adjust your definition of family. You mentioned a close friend in the beginning of your comment– strengthen those positive relationships in your life. I do not have children of my own either, but I have found that doing volunteer work in my community and reaching out to my neighbors has given way to wonderful relationships and granted me a sense of belonging and purpose. It may not be conventional, but hell, might as well make it interesting!
      May peace be with you!

      Reply
  • September 14, 2018 at 7:06 pm

    i had known this girl for 6 months charming i was drawn to her she left her kids to come to the valley for her drug addiction i found out later many sex partners didnt care who she hurt moved on to another victim shes still at it in porterville ca she got me good til i researched her behavior and when i saw sociopath symtoms my jar dropped it was her

    Reply
  • September 18, 2018 at 11:46 am

    I am so glad to have found this site.. Unfortunately I have discovered I am the mother of a Narcissist. Both her father and I have struggled with our daughter for many years and sort help. BUT the Help described the behaviour as “typical teenage” and the child would out grow it. Our daughter became demanding, secretive and disrespectful and left home at 18 years. She would visit occasionally and would try and put us down. She would be very nice and thoughtful when she wanted something and we were so pleased she had changed we would be sucked in and give in. At 34 years our daughter married a man who was immature and needy the marriage didn’t last of course, but our daughter gave birth to twin boys. She was very angry about having 2 babies I remember her saying “Why me” why did I get 2. Both my husband and I have been raising the boys for 8 years almost full time. The father has visiting rights which we are pleased about but he doesn’t want any custody. Our daughter has been living as though she is still single having affairs, holidays and taking very little responsibility. We never wanted custody as we felt she would settle down after the divorce and she would want her children now that they are 8 years of age and the hard times with babies are over. BUT now our daughter has taken them from us and we are banned from seeing them. We can only see them when she wants something like money or free time. Quite often she will tell the boys they can come and stay with us if they are good and we look forward to this but then they just don’t arrive and our daughter will not answer her phone we start to worry, after 2 or 3 calls she will phone a couple of hours later and ask us what we want? We as grandparents are distraught she is using them as blackmail. This has been happening now for a year. We have been everywhere and told anyone who will listen. But she is doing nothing wrong in the eyes of the law and no one will act. I am now telling anyone who reads this. What can we do and where can we go. We are missing the children and they are missing us. Most professionals simply say you will have to wait until they are older then they will decide for themselves. That will be okay but it is very hard and we are aging.

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    • February 19, 2019 at 4:55 pm

      Alfonso, I don’t have any answers for you right now, just empathy. What is happening sounds utterly awful, and so unfair after pretty much raising them for 8 years. I know you said that the law sees nothing wrong with her behavior, but have you actually talked to a lawyer? You may have rights, if you can prove she pretty much gave up her rights to those kids for 8 years; but I’m no expert–I’m just a caring person that helps you find a way through this.

      Reply
    • March 29, 2019 at 6:37 pm

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s torture as I’m in a similar situation, only with, my mom and a narc sibling. She moved my mom in with her, under the guise of mom getting older and that she shouldn’t live alone, when in reality, it was so mom could pay her rent. She charges her $1000 a month! Who does that! Sibling has always hated me since I was born, I just realized what she was in the last 5 years. Mom is a huge enabler, it’s annoying to see how she’s been manipulated. We were all brainwashed, though, looking back. . I could get her in trouble for elder financial abuse, not only with what she’s done to mom, but also our late aunt. Additionally, she has assaulted me. But…. mom has a heart condition and I’m afraid to upset her. Like your situation, there is no help for domestic violence for people like us, only children and partners. What your daughter is doing, is emotional, domestic abuse to your poor grandchildren. Is there a guardian ad litem program you can contact? I despise more than anything to see narcs damage poor innocent children. They will certainly be affected by her behavior. Look into some local organizations, I’m thinking there could be help for you. Sending you prayers.

      Reply
  • September 22, 2018 at 6:49 pm

    Sadly I got involved with a woman that meets every description in this article. The story is too long and exhausting to go over it in detail. But 4 months into the relationship, after her controlling and extremely entitled outbursts with no regard for other’s feelings began to manifest I realized what kind of woman she was, and tried to get away by kicking her out of my apartament, but she got pregnant. I was happy to become a father-to-be, but very concerned over what I had gotten into with her. The 9 months were a living hell because I had to deal with hyper-manipulation, anger, and her guilt tripping due to hormones. For a time I thought it might be hormones. The birth was a nightmare, due to the tense complexity of our situation and an unwanted ex-partner that did not leave her sight. 2 months after the birth of our beautiful daughter (which I adore) she begins to demand I marry her because she needs to bring her family from Venezuela, and that it was my responsibility to do so. She tried nicely, but at times when she couldn’t get her terms she’d get verbally and mentally aggressive. And after multiple attempts and no results she began getting desperate and erratic. I decided to end the relationship and direct the focus on our beautiful little girl free of the relationship’s toxicity. Well, that made her snap, and she began to smack me and punch me in the face with a close fist and threw my glasses from a second story floor just for bringing back her belongings from my place to hers (we don’t live together). Calling me names and just going border line insane. Then she kicked me out of her apartment, and next day asked me if we could talk. She apologized but began to justify it by trying to guilt trip me and and flipping the script. I told her we needed to leave things there and focus on the baby. But now I feel like she’s using the baby to inflict pain and fear… so it’s kind of a difficult situation to engage into. I’m 36, and just looking for a drama free life and now I’m stuck with a narcissistic sociopath for the rest of my life. I just see myself strategizing to outsmart her for the rest of my days.

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    • November 6, 2018 at 11:29 pm

      If you have even the slightest thought that your child is being alienated against you buy the narcissist, do something about it. NOW! I could feel it and see it happening, by my daughter’s growing apathy towards me. What could I do?
      Just recently, I ran into my daughters’ boyfriend of 16 years ago. He told me stories about how my ex would viciously tear me down to my 3 kids. It always had to do with money. He didn’t want to interfere back then, but now hates my ex for trying to tear down their father, behind my back.
      I love my kids dearly. Always tried to be the best father I could. In fact, people would mention what a good father i was…even my Mother-in law.
      The best thing is to buy a hidden camera to record her tantrums and hidden conversations where she is alienating your baby girl.

      Reply
  • September 24, 2018 at 11:38 am

    What’s that saying, “a leopard never changes it’s spots”? Same with female narcissists or sociopaths. Interestingly, I never really considered the couple of women I know who fit this bill to be sociopaths until I remembered the husband of one referred to his own wife as a sociopath. Both are long term “friends” over 50, one is pushing 60, and I’ve had to distance myself from both. As I age, I am less able or willing to endure their toxic and self-serving behavior. The older of the two is a classic queen bee, always trying to gather new victims into her hive. Her thirst for gossip and penchant for spreading it is jarring to witness and to see how adept she is at manipulating women (and men, sometimes) into doing her bidding as she continually maneuvers and sabotages socially to preserve her self-proclaimed queen bee status. If you don’t kiss her behind, cozy up to her and participate in her ongoing smear campaign, she finds a way to marginalize you in the group she has so carefully assembled. There are women in the group you know she does not like much at all (including the writer of this post) but she ceaselessly organizes social gatherings including all the women (and sometimes men) she has carefully chosen so she can divide and conquer behind the scenes, and in the end, making herself feel powerful and omnipotent. It is sick, sick, sick stuff.

    After observing this over a period of 17 years and most acutely in the last 5-6 years, I witnessed firsthand how she preys on weakness. She has trashed each and every woman in the group to me privately and I am confident that myself and my significant other have been ruthlessly trashed in recent years. She blithely targeted and went after an old friend of mine, someone who desperately wanted to be part of a big social group, thereby converting said friend to wanna-bee status, triangulating our friendship and as a result, obtained power over me.

    She initially appears to be warm and inviting through her style of gathering and oh, “bringing everyone together” but she’ll try to get each woman alone through a “one on one” intervention and and then she gathers personal information, building her arsenal of emotional weaponry to use as she relentlessly claws her way through socially to remain at the top of the pecking order.

    Indeed, I have been damaged by her covert and overt tactics and I’ll be OK. As I have no desire to be a queen bee, it is painful to have been affected by her pathological social strategies and it can be lonely to be an outlier. It does help to write about it and to be at the stage where I know how to protect myself. She has a cunning way of getting you to provide potentially damaging personal information so she can use it to spread gossip as a way to remain “powerful”. It is so transparent to me now, years after willingly providing her with social ammunition. Other women notice what’s going on but she has retained a few “wanna bees” who are afraid they will fall back socially if they challenge her or don’t give her what she wants.

    With age, her toxic behavior became all too apparent and I realized I was being bamboozled. She is not a friend. She is a “frenemy”, someone who I cannot trust to keep private information private. Over the years, other people have declared her as a busy body and one who needs to stick her nose in everyone’s business. She has bristled at these allegations, as she likes to think of herself as a benevolent “giver” and someone who is concerned with other people. She is concerned only as a form of self-preservation and power. Thankfully, I am now too independent to fall into her trap and I mostly distance myself. If the other women gossip about me, there is really nothing I can do about it. All I can do is be the best person I can be, warts and all.

    What I strive to do is be kind to other people, refrain from judgement whenever possible, take care of myself and not worry about how I am perceived socially if I cannot attend a particular gathering (oh, she hates it when you say “no”, even if you are polite about it….and yes, you will be punished) and be hopeful that my true colors shine and are not tarnished by the queen bee’s malicious relational aggression.

    Thank you for the opportunity to write about my personal experience with a female sociopath. And I only got to describe one of them! 🙂

    Reply
    • October 24, 2018 at 9:19 am

      Ahhh…..you are aware of what’s going on. That’s your protection…..and distance. Don’t get sucked in. You’re the authentic one warts and all.

      Reply
  • October 24, 2018 at 7:35 am

    There was that girl at my work that was my supervisor. She was super friendly at first, very beautiful and I fell in love with her. She was telling everybody, we were not just colleagues but friends. When I tried to befriend someone else at work, she appeared very possessive. I run errands for her but her behavior was buffling me as sometimes she was friendly and the next minute she could become insulting and arrogant. She wouldn’t accept any type of constructive criticism expressed in a very polite way. After I left my job, I was the only one initiating contact with her. Now we are just facebook “friends”. My brother and another girl from work said that she took advantage of me and when I was no longer needed, she dissapeared. I know she had narcissistic characteristics from the beginning but I wonder if the situation was much worse than I initially thought. I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you very much !

    Reply
  • October 24, 2018 at 8:27 am

    My experience is with my ex who I discovered has the dark triad, met and married similar version 3 years ago who have been trying to divide and conquer my twin boys against me. It’s terrifying and so hard to heal from the trauma and parent the children. Slowly she has been tightening the child support noose around my neck, irrespective of the impact on the children. I have faced homelessness every month for the past two years. How do I explain this to a judge without sounding vindictive? They have erased me from my family.. And she has been substituted for me.

    Reply
  • October 28, 2018 at 5:21 pm

    Hi there, thank you for posting this.

    You know that old saying if one lies enough they will start to believe their own lies. I believe there is much truth to this even if I can’t entirely understand its implication.

    For the rest of my life I anticipate I will be impacted by one of these because I have a child with one who has been and is used as a weapon against me.

    In my experience there is no approach you can have with these people that will allow you to to reach they’re good sense of right and wrong moral and immoral ECT if you have all the good normal traits that they do not such as empathy or conviction.

    I often wonder if she is completely delusional because the web of manipulation & dramatization it is so absolutely mind-blowing. Or perhaps they are just purely malicious which I find more likely and very perplexing because I’m just not built to reach her in any form of normal thinking much less understand how one can be so misguided.

    She always claimed that she was molested as a child which I do not doubt and feel is probably true as well as terrible regardless of anything.

    I believe that in many cases these people perpetuate behaviors that they were subject to from a young age and for a substantial portion of their life growing into adulthood. I believe in this case largely, is that it had to be ingrained in her to the point of hardwiring her thought processes beyond repair. I also believe that because of her experiences if that were the case, that there’s a component of ” general man-hating” for lack of a more fitting term.

    She used to say that when she finally told her mom about her step dad, her mother took his side and she disowned her mother for it. She said with resentment, that her father left them at a very young age… Now he is back in her life and I can’t help but struggle with thoughts that her mother exhibited certain behaviors that she herself is exhibiting and he never in fact left them, he either just did what he needed to do to keep his sanity and survive or was manipulated and driven away by her mother. I tend to believe the latter of the two and that she is following in the same footsteps Of her mother as one who is completely oblivious to the harm caused to her own child as she continually alienates her inadvertently by alienating me.

    I left her because I found myself mentally and emotionally spinning out of control into a downward spiral.
    The final of countless straws was when I caught her cheating on me with someone who she had me believing was just a friend right from the day I met her. She had been seeing him before she met me and all through the relationship despite the fact that we were having a kid together.
    For the sake of family and trying to make it work I went back and forth on that day 20 times or more pleading with her to break all communication with him but she refused.

    I had no choice but to leave as I could never trust this person again and my love for her had morphed into disgust among many other things not conducive to building a family with this person.

    Now 5 years later with very little contact with my daughter respectively to the time that has passed, I am terrified and torn as to whether or not I should take her to court because I know with the given circumstances it can just get worse because she can play every angle that she has step by step put in place in this sadistic constructive hers with which, she has many technical angles in the very corrupt upside down family law system.

    Reply
  • November 4, 2018 at 6:38 am

    I have two exes and both are 100% what you describe. The second ex was “appalled” at how ex 1 behaved towards me and how she was as a mother. That was, until we split. Alot of collaboration occurred between the two exes. They aligned, further alienating my daughter who I raised with 1st ex, and now the court enabled #2 ex by awarding her joint and blamed me for her 2 year absence (tender years she missed- her choice not mine!) There is TONS more I could share but you get the jest of it. Heres hat I learned:

    1) I am an easy target for these types of disturbed women, offering up whatever they need and want but it’s never enough and in the end they wish to not only rob you, but to destroy you.

    2)Nobody that could have helped my daughter, my son, nor myself cared enough to do so

    3) dont marry again because of #1 and #2!

    Going through this twice, I have to say that it has definitely changed me. The family I came from had no history of divorce so I went into mine confident that the system would do it’s best to get down to the truth. Little did I know how pitiful a situation my kids and I would be thrust into. These type of women and the courts here in Arkansas seem to have an arrangement. It’s like the biggest sick joke we are forced to accept.

    Reply
    • May 8, 2019 at 8:12 am

      I agree and have been through this with my ex wife. She’s attempting to force me homeless and alienated me from my kids. The courts believe their crocodile tears and lies as if gospel.

      I feel for you. It’s a corrupt system sociopathic women easily exploit!

      Reply
  • November 7, 2018 at 6:37 pm

    Thank you! This is so enlightening. I am a female coming out of a close-friendship with a covert narcissist woman, and your articles have been very helpful.

    Reply
  • November 29, 2018 at 9:49 pm

    Sadly, the malignant narcissist in my life you are describing in this article is my mother. Every weapon you describe being done to the female competition was used on me since I was 7. Prior to that it was just her silent treatment or rage unless other visiting family were present then it was lovey dove. I was so afraid of her i wouldn’t ask for food. She finally left us at the height of her disdain for my brother and i. She never get sent a Christmas card or birthday card again. My brother was only 8 yrs old at the time, it ruined his life. He was her golden child yet she turned on him and abandoned him. I have never forgiven her for hurting my little brother. Thank you for writing this. I clearly see her behaviour in every point. It’s scary and alarming that I lived with this but strangely comforting too to learn about things like this. It’s taken my brother and I to our 40s to get where we are able to get clarity. It’s devastating. My brother will never be ok God bless him.

    Reply
  • December 8, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    My eyes have been opened. My partner’s mother fits this description so well it made me feel like this was a reading of her life. Though she passed away recently it hasn’t stopped the pain of abuse,manipulation and so so much more. The little girl in me is crying hysterically right now. Ty for opening the door to some of my innermost thoughts. I’m going to call my therapist now to work on this.

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  • February 7, 2019 at 11:47 am

    Thank you, an excellent piece. As a heterosexual man, I’ve encountered the type you describe on more than one occasion. I find their ability to mirror and inauthentically suck others in to be nearly supernatural, like a dark sixth sense or something like that. And yet, over many years of reflecting and research, I’ve gotten quite good at listening to my gut or intuition when I feel something is interpersonally wrong, because when the interaction doesn’t add up I picture a light (drama) switch, and when it turns on, that means the game is on. Sometimes people play hardball and sometimes not. In my career field there’s not much supply to be had, so it would be rare to run into a real sociopath or no holds barred NPD person. The pay isn’t great (non-profit agency social work) but I can trust my colleagues to validate my perception when I see something is wrong (without gossipping about it). After so long I can’t imagine working in the corporate rat race, the entertainment, political or law fields, where there is a higher percentage of them, because money, power and domination is to be had everywhere. I actually prefer the male (at least the exhibitionistic) narcissist. He’s so painfully self-absorbed and obvious it’s almost laughable (unless of course he’s using his power to work you over). Sometimes I fantasize by manipulating them. It would be so easy to toss them a piece of supply here and there. I don’t do it though, because I would feel bad about myself. That’s not who I want to be, even if they deserve it. And if you want this type to leave you alone, it’s rather simply: don’t take the bait and give them what they want, which is supply or to see you suffer in your reactivity. Be stone cold, direct, open and honest, works every time. The female one, as the author described, because of cultural norms regarding gender identity expression, can be even more destructive, as she is so much better at hiding, laying in wait, and striking with impunity. These ones can ruin it for all women sadly, as they are the one’s who make men think all women are manipulative, cunning, out to harm at all times and “a snake.” But nothing could be further from the truth. Like the male types, they just create confusion for everyone. It’s hard to see our leaders, knowing they are more than a abrupt constellation of rehearsed defenses rather than a real person inside. * Fun Fact: the sanctimonious entitlement of certain Liberals is just as toxic as the aggressive soul-crunching ability of certain Conservatives (the movie, “Get Out” shows this beautifully). Sometimes I can’t stand it that they exist! Why? Why should such a small percentage have the most power and ruin it for the rest of us? I’m really hoping karma burns off this personality from the evolutionary continuum ONCE AND FOR ALL. In the meantime, let’s all do the hard work of showing them with the light of truth the maximum that is safe for our integrity.

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  • February 15, 2019 at 12:17 pm

    I feel like you must know my mother-in-law, one of the most malignant, toxic, controlling women I have ever met. She has her entire family wrapped around her finger. Her husband is her bully-henchman, and together they delight in targeting the future wife, current wife, and mother of their grandchildren, over and over. I have what they want, “their son” back. (Which is of course a fallacy. He will never be “back.” He is a separate human and they have some bizarre tribal fantasy of what a family looks like to them that he is not going to participate in and my arrival in their world order infuriated/es them. They have three daughters they’ve crippled into doting on their every whim. It’s not enough. They want me gone. And they have manipulated the last 25 years toward that end constantly. Sadly, while cognitively my husband sees this, he is still incapable of telling them off or calling them out. He is happy to disengage and be passive. My unhappiness with them led to many years of issues with us – which is of course — what his parents wanted. But, in the end – -I’m on to them. I no longer expect anything but Dark Personality traits and do not engage with them any more than I possibly have to. They have both been like a female narcissist. His dad is so weirdly passive and under his wife’s thumb it’s bizarre to behold. But, there you have it.

    Unfortunately, I am the only child of a narcissistic father, so falling in love with a man who has equally toxic parents was really difficult to make peace with and understand, but I think it’s no accident he and I found each other. We both instinctively know what it’s like to want to be loved and seen and valued by a parent who is basically just an insatiable selfish taker who only wants their world to make them look good/powerful, etc. And has no love to offer those who might humiliate them, tax their tiny crumb of empathy, or not spend their life achieving things the parents can then brag about and say they were a part of and how wonderful it is having children who respect and are thankful for the great gifts being raised by a narcissist is. It’s a very toxic situation and I’ve spent a good deal of time trying to sort out for myself why this dynamic landed in my life not once, but twice, but the reality is, it’s up to me to separate from that and accept I did not cause them to be so thoroughly awful. But, it’s just inside them. Unalterable. It’s in their DNA and I have freedom from it because I don’t have to wait for them to become enlightened or even remotely engage with their crazy if I don’t want to.
    Your book seems like a great read and I look forward to reading it.

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  • February 16, 2019 at 8:40 pm

    My son was “snagged” by twin sisters. They fit the bill exactly. He was brain-damaged at birth, and they had him in a vice. He heard: I wanna have your baby, and I’ll marry you. Now he is facing prison, and they are back to doing drugs. I feel so sorry for him. If you have time, how about writing to the judge! Hugs.

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  • March 18, 2019 at 11:17 am

    I searched rhe internet about this topic, because my ex-husband is currently involved with what I believe is a female sociopath. She has take what was once the toughest man I know and turned him into someone who apologizes for breathing. I’ve asked several times if there is any domestic violence, and he never answers my question. My son enjoys spending time with him, but loathes her and says she is mean to him. Not just my son, but she is mean to her own two children as well. I try to limit my son’s time in her presence, and my ex understands, but she won’t let him see pyr child unless she is present for any and all visits. She jas taken our amicable co-parenting situation and turned it around 180 degrees. My son is special needs and sees a therapist. His dad has agreed to have a private one on one session with the therapist, and I am hoping that the meeting will allow him to see what everyone else sees. To be honest, I think he knows how his new partner is, he is just scared to death for some reason to leave.

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  • March 31, 2019 at 11:44 am

    Reading this was very liberating to read as I can emphasize with my past experiences when I was the target. It really helps to be able to make sense of the suffering as a result of covert, below the belt tactics. I just wanted to mention about the fourth point: particularly the “internalised misogny” part: In my experience it’s the same for males not just females (as a man). I can understand how you’d feel that way but men can be as likely to be targets from my experiences at least.
    The sense I can make out of it (thanks to your articles) is that me doing very well for myself meant that my female narc’s “narcissistic supply” was being depleted ie. The attention would be going towards me rather than her. This is something that is unbearable to the narc, something I could have never imagined at the time so she set out to tear me down (starting with breaking down my relationships with friends) and stunt my development/growth. To me I find the way of covert aggression reallly cowardly and can be as damaging as physical abuse. I always wonder why they can’t just better themselves rather than tear others down but I think the latter is much easier to guarantee their income of narcisstic supply. Maybe they also like it as you mentioned too.

    PS Thanks, you have helped me a lot, hope you realize you are doing great work.

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  • March 31, 2019 at 6:17 pm

    Excellent read! My ex never fit the traits of a male narcissist but being a gay male he fits all of the traits of a female narc. Turns out his mother is one and I’ve heard on NPR that it’s probably passed down on the maternal side and can be detected on a brain scan. This article gives me great joy, finally finding out the truth. The traits fit him to a tee. Thank you! I’m going to try recovering by using EMDR.

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  • April 20, 2019 at 7:00 am

    I think these traits may describe my adult niece. Her father was definitely a sociopath with a long criminal history, and she idolized him. I wasn’t around her much in her youth as I lived far away. And when I moved back home, I noted that she was “different,” somewhat emotionally flat. She lived with me for a few months as her parents were irresponsible.

    When she was an adult, she came to my house after my dog had purebred puppies. She said she wanted two of them and would return with the money in a couple of days. I agreed, knowing she loved dogs, and she took the puppies. She never returned with the payment. In fact, I didn’t see her again for years and had no way to contact her. I grieved for years, wondering what had happened to the puppies.

    Occasionally, I’d see her somewhere, and she wouldn’t speak to me or my husband.

    Around 2002, I suddenly got a hate letter from her, in which she not only cut me down but also my children and husband. It was a horrible, horrible letter, which made me very upset. I’d never done anything to her.

    Then, suddenly, after my brother died, she came back into my life. She said she was sorry for what she did, wanted to be part of my life, and virtually love-bombed me like you describe in your article. This went on for a few months before she completely abandoned me again. I was so hurt, depressed for many months. Maybe it was all a mental game to her.

    I noticed on her Facebook wall that she was into dark stuff–destructive, demonic things, and death. She often posted injury and corpse photos.

    She contacted me months after she’d abandoned me and said she needed money and was having a hard time financially as she’d lost her job. I wouldn’t give her money, but I got her groceries as she had two young children. After that, she abandoned me again–probably because she couldn’t get any money from me. She also blocked me and my husband on Facebook.

    Here’s what I’ve learned about her since. She also used others for money, including my elderly mother, telling lies to get what she wanted. She couldn’t hold a job and lost several. In addition, she has an alcohol problem and was constantly cheating on her husband. He left her after catching her in bed with another man. There are warrants out for her for writing bad checks so she took off, abandoning her children.

    Oh, and I learned that she’d broken an elderly woman’s arm years earlier when she’d worked at a nursing home.

    It seems like the only person she really cares about is herself. I don’t think she has remorse for the pain she inflicts on others. I think there’s a sadistic element to her nature.

    Does she sound like a sociopath?

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  • June 18, 2019 at 5:55 pm

    You have described my older sister so well. She was so jealous and infuriated that I inherited some rare antique furniture from our grandmother that she began a smear campaign. She and my mom ( mom was just an ordinary narcissist, not a sociopath) enlisted my younger sister in a campaign to get me into some kind of psychiatric treatment. This was actually ironically humorous, to me; at that time, I had had little contact with my sisters for 9 years….we lived over a thousand miles apart from each other. What made Sis think I had psychiatric issues?
    My mom had my sisters fly in to Phoenix, Az to moms house to perform an intervention on me! They wanted me to drive from my town south of there into their nasty trap. I had a hunch something bad was going to happen to me if I went to visit them at moms house; so I never went.
    Older sis also seems to get “high” off of gaslighting other people into believing that they have severe physical and mental illness. Sis feels superior and powerful when she can think of everyone around her as inferior, sick, or psycho.

    I eventually went “no contact” with all three of them. I actually had to change my phone number recently to escape younger sister’s toxic phone calls and texts. She has even recruited her daughter into the “let’s hate Mimi ( me) club”. These people seem incapable of stopping their need to find a scapegoat to dump their venom on.

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