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11 Signs You’re the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

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Imagine this: your entire reality has been warped and distorted. You have been mercilessly violated, manipulated, lied to, ridiculed, demeaned and gaslighted into believing that you are imagining things.  The person you thought you knew and the life you built together have been shattered into a million little fragments.

25 Comments to
11 Signs You’re the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

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  1. How can I ever recoverfrom this horrible abuse after 49 years of marriage.I am being discarded because I have an illness that he does not want to deal with. I can’t face this alone, my whole world is collapsing around me.I have no support, no one believes he is a Narcissist, because it is always done behind the scene.Someone please help me.

    • Heidi please know that you are not alone. I know it’s hard but you have to believe me, it get easier as time goes by. I was recently discarded too about a month ago. I could not for the life of me understand what I’ve done wrong. I desperately searched for answers and found this Blog. In reading all the stories I found comfort to know that I wasn’t crazy. I have slowly began detaching myself and plan on being no contact soon. I urge you to pray. It really helped me during the first few weeks when he told me to get out of his house. I wasn’t financially able to then but now have found the strength and courage the N had destroyed long ago. I can honestly tell you that this feeling you have right now will pass. Take care of yourself for now. Focus on your well being. Every time you get that sad feeling and start wondering why, pray. Believe me it helps. I will be praying for you too for I know what you are going through. You are strong and I know that because you put up with 49 years of the N abuse. You will survive trust God for he will never let you down. Take care and know that someone out in the world is wishing you strength and courage today!!!! God bless you for you are wonderful !!!

      • I am healing from the narc. The only closer I got was he showed me he his so evil. That he paid someone last year to have my mother a 86 year old who had nothing to so with anything. Except I had no time for him. Because I was taking care of all my mothers needs. He did this and my mother suffered for months in the Hospital until she passed away.

      • Continued he had paid someone to have my mother pushed down a stairwell where she had kuced at a senior citizen home. Since then he has hoovered and also has sent people to my building, looking for me. I believe he had been listening to my phone calls. He is in lawenforcement so it’s easy for them to do that. I complained about him but it made the harassment a lot worse. I believe he’s not finished I believe he plans or is planning another attack on my life..

      • Thank you so much for letting us know that we can survive…it hurts so much and some days are harder than others but God has the power to heal…praying for you all!

      • Excellent, prayer helps us to reconcile all those broken and shattered particles of our Life.
        And yes the pain goes away, give yourself time. This is worse than a battlefield experience, because it hits on all levels at the same time.
        PTSS according to veterans, the best way to deal wit the symptoms is smoking a “Peace”Pipe. It soothens, is what can be desparately needed.

    • Hi Heidi, my first response to your message is I BELIEVE YOU. After 37 years of a relationship/marriage myself, my whole life has been blown apart by being discarded by a narcissist. Like you ,my health has suffered. But is now improving.little by little.

      We are intelligent women who just didn’t see it, that doesn’t make us stupid, it makes us loving and giving…We can heal ourselves….There is so much information on the internet about our experience it is staggering. …. I find that validation of me and my experiences helps so much…….The people around us may try to help and understand ,but unless you have been in it , no one can fully get it. There is also the painful rejection of some of our superficial friends too. This can also impact on our vulnerability…..There are people who believe us. I am one of those. I have found info from a lady called Melanie Tonia Evans on fb really helpful. A lot of her vids are on youtube, so there is no financial outlay. I do wish you well in your awakening, it is scary,one step at a time and you will see that you have more about you than you ever realised. People will love you for just being your real self. Give yourself a little kindness and you find Heidi again xx

    • Just get out for the safety of yourself and find a therapist who can help you.

    • I agree with brokenhearted. Prayer and reading the bible really seems to help.

  2. Please help me: Could you think of an adult woman to be more psychotic?
    To ask a man to commit to her in her deepest emotions allow herself as it were to constructively trust him with her deepest secrets, accept that for him to believe her and trust her it would mean a lifetime commitment and when all is said and done she neglects him, won’t speak to him, hold him in complete suspense and contempt.
    When she’s convince enough of his near faint or disastrous grim fate – she sues him in public from behind the shadows as she stretch the arm of the law to prosecute him for telling a lie of the secrets she shared with him alleging that they’d never happened – those same secrets she constructively revealed framing him for telling it, knowing well that he’d been honest and never betrayed her by telling publicly of any of her secrets she constructively entrusted unto him.
    How psychotic would this woman be?
    How does a man relate over a year and months in adverse emotions to this from a woman he’s yet to have betrayed?
    It’s worst than a man to have believed to fall in love & marry a woman, bare her love to see her give birth to their son & then she dies or constructively disappear with their son – never to be seen or heard from again.
    How rare is that in today’s life?
    How psychotic can a woman be and why?

    • Michael,
      My son is in the same psychotic situation. I don’t know how to cope with this situation. In the 7 years they have been together this is the first time I have interacted with a person so vindictive and pure evil. I honestly did not recognize how bad she actually is.
      I was called a liar, a bully, and accused of taking advantage of her.
      But today I look back at certain events and realize it was all fake emotions and concern. She mentally filed away my reactions and my vulnerability so she knew which files to pull at a later date. I’m a quiet person, easy going, trusting, but after experiencing this I have a difficult time believing in people and whether their intentions are sincere. I Don’t know if my son understands her manipulation or if he does and feels damned if you do and damned if you don’t. I worry about him and I see the exhaustion in his eyes. But how do I approach him? I tried 2 years ago but she manipulated him in to having another kid. I could tell he wanted to get out. He doesn’t talk to me about anything anymore. I politely drop hints about what’s going on. But I cry for him and for my grandkids, unsure when I will hug and play with them again.
      It’s very painful to observe. Someone please help me……..

      • JV?
        Thank you.
        I fully understand.
        My situation is constantly unraveling but the thing about it is; I am yet to enjoy the recovering experiences of saying it’s behind me.
        As even now if I do say something negative about it or her I would not be safe to say it directly to her or mostly to anyone close to her.
        She’s like the best pet dog which just bit me and I can’t scold it until I could get a point about its leach length through to her owner.
        Or owners:
        And she could bite again anytime because she know I am smarter than to kick or scream at the dog who’s being walked in public without a leach.
        So that’s my unfolding delima and God help me it’s like a stage 4 emotional cancer.

        Now on your situation I perceive it’s partly trivial – because kids do grow up!
        Most kids will want to connect with grand parents.
        Grand parents must find groups which updates them on kid trends or kid social trends – once grand dads a updated reconnecting with grand kids would be unceasing.
        It is important to know especial social gadgets or events.
        A pal I know suffered a stroke and moved from New York to Florida and lost contact with his son who was still live Ng with his mother in New York.
        They were never married.
        But I ask how old was his son and as soon as he heard about a festival called Comicon he was able to rekindle almost long term communications of interest to his son.
        Grand dads surely are different and daughter in laws are quite cold if grand dad is not on her a list of most wanted persons around.
        Just note:
        Kids Do Grow Up!
        It’s not really that bad so give it some time.

      • Michael,
        Thank you so much for reading my comment. I appreciate when someone can give me a different perspective. My situation might be trivial but it hurts just the same. I was more focused on your emotions and the humiliation you are going through. I felt my son might have to face the same emotional rollercoaster one day.
        I know… when your kids become adults they are responsible for their own decisions. As I said before it’s painful to observe. I sincerely believe one day there will be light at the end of your tunnel. You may not fully recover but you will have some peace and my support 🙂

      • JV; Granted; in that case it won’t be near trivial at all.
        I just couldn’t imagine a Dad having to do accurately interpret his sons delima.
        I however think both your son’s and I am lucky for a certain situation:
        Your son for the fact that he’d already have inspired his seed in essence his fathers also. For that all inept narcissisms may take a back seat in the line of your heritage.
        A woman died at sea purporting that she’d taken her son “Ellen” from Cuba or Castro as it were. Their American Cuban families couldn’t accept that it’s possible narcissistic to say the boys biological dad should not have custody.
        Even the boy was ‘5’ today he’s ’21’ and the Americans did a movie about his life. Outside of that he’s happy intelligent young man with his father.
        God Rest His mothers soul in peace. She was separated not divorced and the father was about to miss his sons 6th birthday.
        There’s no justice in any of that but livelihoods of people in commons and prestige live off of its outcome.
        So cheerUp! When a child is born Angela in heaven sing saying thank you and for that child or children you could be at peace.
        Hang in there.
        For me I’m I guess out of the tangle too – because she was not my wife, she only code me into feeling a life in a wife and a new kid may be that thing she’d bring with her – but I got trapped.
        She doesn’t care, she actually never did, she was only seeing herself where she’s at right now.
        That’s good for her.
        In the interim the only thing I’ve totally lost is time and the seldom emotions I could have ever given and devoted to someone so darkly.
        I might have been the beasts from the beauty, but even that beasts was not totally betrayed by a narcissist.

        So yep! I’ll be on my was like the ‘Hobbo-Dog” searching relentlessly for my masterful healing.
        Did she did me.

  3. The more I am encountered with these individuals the more I am having a hard time coping. I know I suffer from Narcissistic Abuse but I don’t know how to get myself well. I am at the point that I do not trust anyone and I know that is not a good place to be. Both my parents were narcissistic and even at a time when the term was not popular I figured it out as a young girl growing up in the 60’s and 70’s. My parents, in my opinion are mentally ill. I have since worked for many narcissistic people some supervisors and owners of their own companies. The last two experiences were absolutely awful. I was being absolutely tortured by a so-called Director for several years. She down-played everything and blamed me for everything in the classroom when I was actually the person who was very conscientious and correcting things that the lead teacher did or didn’t do. I tried to speak to the owner after 3 years of it and the owner wouldn’t listen to me and threatened me. She told me she would call an officer and have me removed from her business. I asked one question: I was concerned about a boy not getting his milk (he was 1 yrs. old). I had mentioned it to management and nobody got back with me. She promptly picked up the phone and called the police on me. This happened to me 8 months ago and to be honest I am severely traumatized. I have had no record with the police. I did nothing wrong that day and this woman took advantage of her power over me and tried to twist things around and put it back on me. I left my job that day, punched out and didn’t look back. My background is intact but regretfully I found another job that was the same way within 2 months. I had not worked through it I guess and attracted the same situation. I resigned from the next job because I could see this woman was very, very dangerous and crazy. I really think this is a mental disorder that is far more dangerous than we realize. These individuals have the ability to really destroy a person’s life and to harm them in lots of different ways. I have been in contact with at least 10 of them because I attract them like flies. I am terrified to get another job because I read that narcissistics are 1 in 4 which is a high number. You only need one to get you in all kinds of trouble. They will turn everyone against you. I have worked with people that really liked me, if not really thought the world of me and I could tell they trusted me, but the narcissistic managed to turn them against me. It is so devastating. The last woman was even worse than the others in some ways. She turned my boss against me and I called out sick because I didn’t want to quit but I couldn’t go in. He yelled at me. He told me to get a doctor’s note if I was indeed sick and to get someone lined up and not to just call out, unacceptable. I couldn’t handle it because he had an attitude towards me after he spoke to her and she lied. I was shaking with a red face and I actually looked guilty when I knew I didn’t do anything. It was such a horrible feeling because they make you doubt yourself. She made me into a monster and I was nothing but accommodating to her. I told her I would do it. She kept on berating me and tearing me down and making me like a useless person calling me lazy and telling me that I have a horrible personality and treat people like “crap”. I now know she was projecting. This was all the things she felt about herself and she dumped everything on me. These people are sick. They care nothing for the human race. They kiss up to people who can do something for them, like management. They turn on the charm when they want something. Otherwise, they are evil. This is a psychiatric illness. I really think these people are suffering from something that perhaps they have no control over, like schizophrenia, but its narcissism. This is a serious mental disorder and we need to look at it differently. These people are ruthless. They are cutthroat and do not care what they do or say and are tyrants. They have no empathy whatsoever and are not in touch with reality. They are sick. I cannot get away from them. Everywhere I go someone ruins it for me.

    • Dear Nisey,
      You are over it i.e. Narcissisims more than you could agree with yourself.
      The simple fact that you could quantify each unveiling circumstances is your focus and good intentions to win. To recover.
      Except to express with indignation i.e. Sic “they are sic” is probably counter productive in case persons like that do read these articles sometimes.
      It’s giving them armunition to defend themselves.
      A person with extreme levels of BiPolar disorders are i.e. Diagnosed as in much case mental disorders.
      But they are also what most percieve as i.e. Regular persons and they often can be liked quite easily.
      Take for example; an entire group or people can become narcissist i.e. In Brooklyn New York a broken down neighborhood is home to multiple Korean & Chinese retail Merchants who calls the police multiple times each day on blacks & minoriies and Report preEmptive acts of criminal behavior.
      A narcissist could do the same at a work place. May not call the police but preEmptively report to your boss.
      Lately I have discovered Social Media is fuel to the narcissist as they could work cunningly of of data found on social media.
      Soon today’s world is equivalent to getting use to the homeless on the streets, the pedophile in the shadows and the narcissist at our regular work places.
      It’s an unPoliceable Condition that’s already out of control.
      Your best bet is to not make your self and family become its potential collaterals.
      It could be damning.

      I’m recovering from the narcissistic bite or wound but it’s like a cancer that may need emotional chemotherapeutic help.
      Eventually it’s could ask you to change your life i.e. Friends work orders locations 100%.
      I’m not a doctor those are just my thoughts.


  4. Thank you for taking the time to write this. The breakdown on the information, espically about how the abuse breaks the abused down into fragments(pieces) describes it perfectly. After 45 years I am understanding why I function the way I do.
    I ALWAYS would get so upset when having panic attacks and I would be asked “what are you so anxious for” it was a question I never knew the answer to!!!!

    Molested as a child by my father with my mom knowing and then her moving out leaving me and my sisters with him. Oh that was just the beginning of my whole abusive life, from boyfriend, bosses, co-workers, and finally my husband of 24 years. The abuse was all sick and twisted whereas it would make the average persons hair stand on ends just listening.

    The article I am certain, sums the whole thing up.
    So well written, thank you for sharing.

  5. This article showed up in my Google News in the health section.
    After reading, I feel I might exhibit some of the narcissistic behaviors described here.
    I can say without a doubt that I love my Wife but we seem to argue all the time and we both say extremely hurtful things to each other but I will do things to ‘punish’ when I feel wronged like disable the internet or leave the kitchen a mess. It is unbelievably sad and childish and I wish I could get to the root cause and undo it because it’s a sickness that is eating at our household. It has come to the point where we will resolve an issue and be fine for a few days but the most insignificant issue can be both our undoing. We (both) can go from 0-100 in seconds. I am hyper critical (i should let things go) I feel I carry more of the financial burden (true, but I overlook her everyday contributions). I could go on. At times the arguments we have make me feel like I am going crazy. I have also considered that possibly my years of narcissism (if this is the case) has contributed to who my wife is now and that this is just a mirror of the world I created. I am pretty sure I am an asshole and many of these 11-signs spoke to me. I don’t want to be this way or continue any longer.

    How do I go about undoing entire characteristics of myself?

    • I’m no professional, but by you admitting to having possible narcisstic traits and wanting to change sounds to me like you’re taking a step in the right direction. I’ve heard that a hardcore narcisst would never admit to doing anything wrong and wouldn’t want to change. The problem is, where to go for help?

  6. Thank you for your research. I left after 37 yrs of marriage and controlled by a wild man
    making believe I had no skills, I was overweight @ 130 lbs. I left on foot. NO car, no
    clothes except my running shoes. Safe at last. NO, I ended up at my mothers house, she
    needed me to help, since she had dementia. So I thought I was being a great help. NO
    my other siblings didn’t want me there after several months. They put an eviction notice
    on my bedroom door, said they would call the sheriff and have me removed in 30 days.
    Talk about PTSS yes I have had it now for fours years. I don’t have any contact with
    any siblings and mother is deceased now. And they kept me from visiting her on her last
    days alive. So I feel like a freak. A worthless living women of age 70. I speak to no one for days at a time. I sleep just to get over another day. This is what it is like
    leaving abusive husband after 37 years. I’m safe, but no soul in me, no smile.

    • Narcissism is an absolute epidemic. You are not alone.

  7. 72 year old female left my husband after 5 year relationship.So much verbal abuse and criticism constantly.Ten years sober gone after suicide attempt and relapse.I felt so hopeless,I could not end this relationship and he would not leave.I still have a lot of shame but i finally found the courage to end the insanity.We are seperated and i have gone no contact for 8 months.I ve rely on my 12 step family for support.I am finally giving up being a victim.I didn’t know that everything was intentional It was planned and executed.All the control and manipulation was planned.The person i became i didn’t recognize.Rage anger almost daily.I begin to see i could not live in that state of mind.I had to leave or i would die in this relatioship.Grateful to have made it out.Still work to be done to intergrate this experience

  8. My fear is that if I divorce my N, I will have to pay alimony and will be left financially worse than I am now. To sum things up, when I married my N he had a part time job and pursued his art as a hobby. Soon after we married he quit that job to focus on his art. At first I was supportive, as he does actually have talent. But then I soon learned that he was not willing to do the hard work to make it as an artist (go to shows, promote himself, etc) and was just spinning in circles wondering why no one was buying his art. When I offered suggestions he would blow up in my face, call me profanities, and accuse me of not helping him sell his art. Mind you I am the one with the full-time job. I knew that he sensed that I was no longer supportive of his not working and would blow up at me for everything. I started and still do hate coming home from work because I know I will be screamed at for something. He exhibits every symptom of a “victim narcissist,” including the rages, inability to accept responsibility, and inflated sense of his importance to the world. Everyone wonders why I haven’t left him. Yes, I know I need to consult with a lawyer, but I fear it is cheaper to keep him as my finances are very tight without any income from him for years. I keep hoping that he will just leave on his own. He’s threatened many times that he will go find someone who truly understands and supports him. I really hope he does so I am off the hook. I never imagined marriage would be like this.

  9. Hello , i am also victim of Narcissistic Abuse, my wife she is. Really i start to feel sick from all this. last 2 months i talk with psychologist and help me so much, to find power for all this. I have one baby 6 months, otherwise i will had take divorce…but.. last week first time i left from house, and she was so afraid about this. But really i am afraind about my health…i want to see my child to grow up …can u help with any tips about how to confort her behaviour .

  10. Hello, I’m involved with a narcissist other man. I’m still currently married 27 years (no feelings, he’s cheated for most of my marriage) but looking to move out asap. Well the N whom I thought was the love of my life and still do think that has become so controlling, he verbally abuses me, puts me down, has slowly made me isolated from many friends and family. I tried escaping but after a couple of days or at most a week, he manages to constantly call and leave messages and even show up at my job unannounced. I’ve cried and cried so much and we make up and give it 3-4 days we’re arguing again. He’s extremely jealous and if I don’t answer his calls he freaks out, he asks who I’m speaking to who am I seeing. He’s younger than I am and can be with any other woman younger but he’s fixated on me. Yes we have great chemistry and the love is there but he’s using it against me. He can be super sweet make me breakfast, he isn’t lazy, wants to financially help me when I do move out. He does care but wants total control on who I speak to where I go how long I stay if I even get to go…even family functions are a big deal to him. It’s like he wants a life with me but I don’t want the control he has over me. My soon to be ex husband didn’t really pay any mind to me because he basically never loved me. We barely talk or even argue because there’s nothing left of the marriage and I’m just going to leave. And the other man the N has helped me in a way to become stronger but he’s bringing me down at the same time. I love him and I’m scared of the future.


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