37 thoughts on “Afraid of Divorce? 15 Reasons Not To Be

  • August 10, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    The people who made these rules only lived until their 20’s? This is your ignorance showing. God made these rules. Look at the bible and keep your secular ignorance at a minimum please.

    Reply
  • October 4, 2015 at 6:46 pm

    In am a,male,in my,early,thirties,and have been,married for almost,5,years. I am at a point in my marriage,that distrust, honesty, passion and different views about,major,life issues have been,so harsh on our marriage that unfortunately I may loose my wife whom I love very dearly. I truly have hurt her and we have been in a lot of hardships during our 5 years together. My wife truly believed that she had no faults whatsoever and this unwilling to concead to the notion of couples counseling because this would mean according to her definition of marriage counseling (she has in fact made mistakes or part of why our relationship is the way it is may be related to actions, choices or desiviins she has made versus the marriage problems we r experiencing are so let and 100% due to my mistakes and decisions completely my fault. I am willing to admit to my part in why we r where we r in our marriage and take more fault or blame than deserved to at least convince my wife that couples counseling could save our marriage. What is your advice and experience with this type of problem that makes seeking proper intervention that may very well save a marriage? I am not in a great place right now and would very much appreciate any advice you may have regarding the obstacles mentioned above.thanks in advance.

    Reply
    • October 5, 2015 at 11:59 am

      Advoc,
      Wow. It seems from your words that you are overwhelmed and scared. It is so difficult when marriages go through major crises.

      Both of you are in terrible pain. Usually, if one person does some obvious wrongs, like adultery, lying, or betrayal; it temporarily closes the door for discussion on what the other person has done. I would take responsibility for what you are responsible for and tell your spouse how badly you feel. Do not demand for her forgiveness or for her taking ownership just yet. Give her space to grieve and heal and decide what she wants to do. You can communicate your desire and willingness to see a marital counselor together.

      Then, once you guys are in counseling you will eventually navigate into the terrain of what each of you may have done or not done in an effective, healthy way.

      If she won’t go, you go. Get support and heal. Then, make a decision to not make those mistakes again, regardless of who you are involved with.
      Thanks for writing in.
      Sincerely,
      Cherilynn

      Reply
  • January 1, 2016 at 5:29 am

    Written by a woman for a woman who is promoting divorce. You made your bed, now lay in it.

    Reply
    • January 7, 2016 at 12:19 pm

      Hmmmm…..

      Reply
    • March 13, 2016 at 9:42 am

      Spoken like a male who is ingnorant of the female way of mind. This post certainly speaks directly to all of the women who are truly afraid to leave a bad marriage. Fear keeps them in place. I hope that you never have a daughter in a really bad marriage and then dumbly advise her to stay because its the “right thing to do”. Um, no. I don’t think so. Marriage is supposed to be a loving partnership for both people. When it ceases to be that for years at a time, it may very well be time to move on.

      Reply
  • February 12, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    Ive been separated from my Ex husband 4yrs now, i left. We have kids we share in constant rotation visitings. We have both gone on with different relationships & at times were able to communicate&see ea other briefly. I filed for divorce 6mos ago but he hasn’t been served & says he will not divorce me. I am seriously opting to get a lawyer involved to get process done. I have fears because he has been my security in life,i guess knowing he still loves me after 20yrs. i have supported myself & kids past 4 yrs. So its nothing financially. ..hes like My family. I do not have the love for him anymore. Any suggestions?

    Reply
    • February 12, 2016 at 6:21 pm

      virgo78,
      When you are with someone for 20 years, it is normal to be nervous about “letting go”. However, it seems that you have already let go of parts of the relationship are are now in a holding pattern….
      It takes courage to get divorced. It isn’t always the easiest route. Women, in particular, are socialized to believe that we need someone else to be okay. I think that we as humans do need others, however, staying married doesn’t necessarily make you more safe. By letting go, you will be setting yourself free to truly start a new life. My guess is, you wouldn’t have left him if you thought it was going to be better staying.
      It is normal to be scared, but just because you feel that way doesn’t mean there is anything to be afraid of. I recommend seeing a therapist so that you have someone to support you during this difficult life transition. You are already supporting your self and your family. You are stronger than you think
      Cherilynn
      Ps. Just because you are divorcing, doesn’t mean you can’t be connected and have a friendship with your ex. Usually, this takes time and a little distance from the whole “leaving thing”. Give it some time.

      Reply
  • April 15, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    I am going thru a D process that I hope will stop before it is final. Have been married 29+ years and we have 4 great kids and I thought a pretty good marriage overall until my W dropped the bomb on me professing she had no feelings for me, did not love me and wants a divorce. That was followed by her moving out a few months later. My sin is financial infidelity that occurred years ago; and annual or bi-annual anger outbursts directed at the W for not being on a budget. They were always apologized for but they hurt my W to “the core’ when they happened. Her sin was a 2+ year affair that I forgave her for and was working on repairing our relationship for the 1 1/2 years before sh dropped the B on me. I have read many articles like the one here and believe it contributes to the throw away marriage situation we have today. While there may be very valid reasons for divorce (physical abuse; severe emotional abuse; unresolved addictions or serial infidelity)it seems to me (my own experience) that feelings or lack thereof is the culprit. My W also had a pro-marriage counselor whom the W said is just not pro our marriage? Huh??? Seems like my W is proceeding with the D despite my working my tail off to do anything I know to fix myself and to show her as much love and kindness as I can…despite her cold and sometimes hurtful reactions to those efforts. Prior to this would never have thought my W was capable of doing something that at its very core is so selfish. She continues despite the pain inflicted on our kids, our families and our friends…all…so that she can live an authentic life (whatever that is).

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  • April 25, 2016 at 6:07 pm

    All makes sense but doing it is another thing entirely. Seems like from frying pan into the fire. A Male

    Reply
  • June 7, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    And this gentlemen, is why you DON’T want to get married, you get divorced, you get fucked and prenups will be thrown out by judges if they “are unfair.”

    If you get married your wife can go file divorce in California, you will lose half your assets, including the ones you had BEFORE marriage.

    DO NOT BE STUPID, DO NOT GET MARRIED. THERE IS NOTHING THAT PROTECTS YOU FROM DIVORCE.

    Reply
    • June 9, 2016 at 12:10 pm

      Wow,Jewbi. You are M-A-D. You must have been through something really terrible with your divorce. Sorry to hear that. Some divorces aren’t as acrimonious. Well, make sure you get some support and help while you are still dealing with this trauma. Bad divorces can cause severe wounds. However, these wounds can heal. I recommend professional support, for sure.
      Take care of yourself. Thanks for writing in.
      Cherilynn

      Reply
    • April 11, 2017 at 7:24 pm

      Right on Jewbi! You speak the truth.

      Reply
  • July 27, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    Got pregnant after five months of dating. Married basically for the baby. Very emotionally abusive. All my fault he says. I have high anxiety and depression. Scared that if I’m alone taking care of daughter, I will be really bad at it. Will freak out. But I know that he is a huge part of my anxiety. So scared to make the step. No support where I live. He’s going to be so so mean. Scared I will fail.

    Reply
    • August 15, 2016 at 4:22 pm

      Myhopeis
      I love that your name is Myhopeis. Hope is always present!

      Very hard situation. Unfortunately, you aren’t the first person to be married to someone who is scary to live with, and scary to live without. You do need support. Perhaps a friend, a pastor, a social worker, a counselor at a local mental health center? Or even Al-anon? Which is a program for family members or friends of anyone who has a problem with alcohol or drugs. Sound familiar?

      Try to know that anxiety is sometimes just self-doubt and fear. Why not grab my book at your local library and see if it helps? A lot of your anxiety may be induced by the relationship as well as cultural factors, gender pressures, how you were raised, etc. The book is called “Stop Giving It Away”.

      Have hope.
      Sincerely,
      Cherilynn

      Reply
  • August 3, 2016 at 11:11 pm

    I love your advice. It seems spot on; however, I have a question. How do I do it alone with a salary that will not support my children and me? I am miserable. I have been for a long time. I have a desire to be something, to achieve something, to live life! All my husband wants to do is sit on the couch in front of his game or computer and complain or scream. His anger is growing in intensity and he refuses to seek help. I am afraid of the mental stress that my children live everyday. I want desperately to leave but what will the future look like for my kids. I have only an associates degree in education. How am I going to support my kids. Am I going to have to wreck my credit and allow my vehicle to be repossessed? Then we will have to move from the only home they have only known. Away from their grandparents who live across the street and behind us so I can work. There is literally no employment in my village of 400 people. That would mean more more mommy AND daddy, leaging their home, leaving their grandparents, a whole new school district. They’re only four! How can I put them through something like that?! What do I do?

    Reply
  • August 9, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    What does slaves have to do with divorce that was a stupid.

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    • August 15, 2016 at 4:04 pm

      Betty,
      You are funny.
      Cherilynn

      Reply
  • January 12, 2017 at 7:58 pm

    I have just started divorce proceedings and am so scared …… your blog has cheered me up. After 30 years of marriage and 5 children my H and I have nothing in common ,complete strangers . I met my H when I was 17 and lived together since. I have never been in this world by myself and am terrified . My children hate me for wanting to end it and I have no family. Despite the overwhelming fear of uncertainty I feel I have to push through the fear and believe something is out their for me. Maybe I will end up by myself , maybe I will be unhappy for the rest of my life and regret my actions I don,t know, I can’t eat ,sleep , my body aches . I hope it will be ok.

    Reply
    • January 13, 2017 at 11:19 am

      Magsie,
      It is so normal to be scared right now. However, that doesn’t mean that it won’t all be okay. It absolutely will.

      The first year can be tough but you will build a better life, and you will grow. We all support you!

      Thanks for writing in.
      Cherilynn

      Reply
      • January 13, 2017 at 11:20 am

        Ps. You will have a wonderful life. Hold onto hope, and let those negative, scary feelings just float by…

        Reply
    • January 19, 2017 at 2:36 pm

      Hi Maggie. I am practically in the same boat as you only I left my wife and 3 “adult” children who have alienated me and wished me dead as I had an affair. I am in month 7 of separation and scared, guilt ridden and overwhelmed even though wife has admitted to controlling me, using threats to leave or hurt herself and claimed she was emotionally detached from me and according to a close friend both of ours has admitted to letting the relationship fade. I feel your pain as I to was married to this person for just a few years shorter than you two. The thing that makes it harder and easier if that is possible is that I am with the woman I had an affair with and experienced a level of love that I knew existed between couples. That and the fact that I still care a lot for my wife and want the best for her. I have read the statistics and know that there are lots of couples out there who stay together based on finances or for the sake of the children and not out of love for their partner but it is still hard.

      Reply
      • February 18, 2018 at 10:10 am

        I think that 7 months into your affair is not enough time to say that you are experiencing love. I have no idea what happened in your marriage, but AFTER my husband started his affair he began to retell our marriage like he was the victim in order to justify his hurtful choices. If you look back at your relationship with your wife, I’m sure that that early in you were “feeling” in love. love is measured in choices and treatment of one another not easy feelings you get from the endorphins of a new relationship. If your adult children are hurt by your actions, stop protecting yourself by making excuses. Own your choices and work on gaining their respect and acceptance… without talking about what your wife (their mother) did or didn’t do.

        Reply
      • February 19, 2018 at 1:27 pm

        Please note that this reply to Jim is from Kris, a reader.

        Reply
  • January 17, 2017 at 12:24 am

    Hi Cherilynn,
    I am married for 4 years and my husband embarassed me in front of nearly everyone. He cheated me numerous times but everytime he blamed me that I am interferring in his life. When i asked for divorce then he refused. I had to leave home for security reasons. Later he started blaming me that I made his life hell. I did what anybody would do to save the marriage and he did what any person would do to destroy the marriage. I am not discussing this issue with anyone but he is suggesting others not to get married because he had a bad one. I never understand what i did wrong to him. I have been to cousellor few times. I need an advice, I really want to leave this relation for the sake of myself but I am afraid of what my relatives will think of me and I do not why i feel that once you are married it is wrong to break it. I feel guilt that I am breaking this relation. These feelings just do not let me think further. We do not have kids because my husband refused and forced this decision on me without discussion.
    Please suggest.

    Reply
    • January 17, 2017 at 12:25 am

      Moreover my best friend think that I am doing wrong.

      Reply
  • February 11, 2017 at 6:04 am

    No. Married couples may choose to live apart from each other, but remain married, for religious, personal, or financial reasons, or for the sake of the children. You may decide to seek a Judgment of Separate Support or a Judgment of Support. A Judgment of Separate Support can decide custody.

    Reply
    • February 14, 2017 at 8:35 am

      Interesting. I didn’t know this.
      Cherilynn

      Reply
  • April 11, 2017 at 7:42 pm

    This article is absurd.

    Divorce devastates children. Anyone who rationalizes differently is lying to themselves.

    “To have and to hold… Better or worse… Death do us part…”

    Guess what ladies, you can’t always get married again. I’d never accept the same promise you made your last husband and didn’t keep.

    I’m not overly religious, but marriage is God’s game, and he made the rules. In man’s court, you can ‘unmake’ a marriage, but not according to the inventor of marriage.

    And if you aren’t religious, then why sweat before God?

    It’s foolhardy and juvenile to believe you can just run around all willy-nilly breaking solemn covenants.

    Many a divorced woman has painfully realized that nobody is lining up to give her a second, third, or fourth chance at marriage. A good girlfriend, sure, but not a wife again.

    Marriage rates are plummeting. Men realize what a bad deal marriage is, and are refusing to partake. Especially when the value of female sexuality has so diminished to the extent that men don’t even usually need to put in more than one night of effort to get sex.

    The pain will last forever to some degree. Your children will suffer. There is no guarantee you’ll get married again, ladies.

    The ‘security’ a woman gains from marriage doesn’t come from nowhere. The security is stripped from the man. Men are refusing to take that chance, especially for someone who’s already broken the covenant of marriage.

    My girlfriend wants to marry me more than anything, but it won’t happen. She’s already been divorced. I have a house and a pension, and I need to keep it. Because I can wave these assets in the breeze and vagina will almost literally fall from the trees.

    If I marry her, and she takes my house and pension, then I have no assets and no way to attract new vagina.

    Feminism ‘won’. Women are holding all the cards in divorce court. The sad part is that feminism didn’t realize men would quit playing the marriage game.

    Good luck with your divorces.

    Reply
    • April 11, 2017 at 7:53 pm

      ^Like OMG, he’s so jaded and scorned.

      Well, ladies… One point five million men get annihilated in divorce court every year. This happens year after year. It becomes 3 million next year, 4.5 million the year after that.

      Men didn’t communicate about this 20 years ago, but we do now.

      Divorce-rape, as it’s called, is epidemic, and it’s no secret.

      How many naive, desirable, undamaged men will be left when you’re 30 and divorced, or 40 and divorced?

      If you’re lucky enough to have a marriage, then strongly consider doing everything to save it and reconsider blindly rationalizing excuses for divorce.

      Reply
  • April 23, 2017 at 6:25 am

    Did you actually recommend using wine and a 12 step program as support to get through a divorce? Where exactly did you get your master’s from? Online?

    Reply
  • July 8, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    Thank you. This was super helpful to read. I feel like I am dying inside but I have to keep reminding myself that it will get easier. Thanks again.

    Reply
  • October 19, 2017 at 5:07 pm

    Pls help! I need ur suggestion.
    In July 17,i got married to a guy through matrimonial site.on 1st night,he started misbehaving and abused me n my family for wedding arrangements and food. This was a 2nd marriage for both of us. My widow mother did what she could afford.i told him all this much before marriage.he showed all fake hopes dreams just to marry me n satisfies his sexual need. He never cared to talk to me, to plan for honeymoon or at least to go out for just a walk together. He treated me as an object.i told hin i would be a house wife n not working. But he never bothered to give me a penny to spend on my needs. I stayed in his house like i was not wanted or just a slave. He even has ejaculation problems which he hid from me b4 marriage.he ejaculated only once out of atleast 10 intimate rounds. In the past 2 montgs. Is that normal? He knew how important it was for me to be a mother. But on 1st night itself, he insisted that we should start adoption process instead of making efforts on having our own which causes a lot of time energy n money waste.. I found it very strange to come to such decision even before trying for it. my family support me n tell me to come out of this relation which gave so much pain in just 2 months. But iam scared of future. My age is 35.

    Reply
    • November 7, 2017 at 2:12 pm

      This is not seeming like a mutually respectful relationship. I am scared for you. Please contact a domestic violence hotline and put together a back up and safety plan. Some shelters have free support groups. Being treated like a “slave” certainly fits the abuse description. Or, please find a good individual therapist. You need support. I can’t tell you to not have or to have a baby but having a partner that is kind, thoughtful and respectful is a definite minimum. Here’s the domestic violence number nationally: 800-799-7233. You could google for a local shelter. Please take care of yourself and do some work on your self-value. I can already see that your self-esteem puts you at risk for partners that treat you poorly. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

      Reply
  • November 20, 2018 at 3:16 am

    Thank you so much for this. I am in a living shit hole with the woman I thought was going to be my partner for life. We have two beautiful children, but our life is far from beautiful. She has soured on our marriage and can only think and talk about getting 50% of everything. I want to move forward and work through things but every time things don’t go her way she threatens divorce. She screams it in front of our children, and it breaks my heart. I am the peacemaker but I have reached the breaking point, and now I am standing up for myself. When I do, it gets worse. The screaming. The yelling. The name calling. Every time we have a tough month financially or can’t afford a spontaneous trip to God Knows Where it is a huge fight. We are spiraling into debt because I can’t fight anymore. I just give in, put it on credit, and hold my breath. I have given this woman everything for the past 17 years and she treats me like crap. Going out until 4am and smoking pot in our house and shaming me in front of her friends for not being ok with all the crap she dishes out. I am devastated and hurt and belittled and beaten but I know I have to move forward and push for the divorce she threatens me with weekly. I cannot live like this, and neither can our kids. Wish us luck, and pray for us. This is absolutely horrible.

    Reply
  • November 25, 2018 at 9:59 am

    I really needed to read this. I found my husband with another woman in our home last week. I went down immediately and hired an attorney. He blamed me, apologized once and hasn’t been remorseful. His response is hurtful and it’s been tough suppressing anger/sadness. We are living under the same roof and I am working on securing a loan on buying his half of the house. The quicker I can get through this the better. Lot’s of wine and music is holding me calm.

    Reply
  • February 27, 2019 at 11:28 pm

    Superbly written..It gives a courage on each every doubt in mind
    Since beased out in India …How can access to your coaching material?

    BR
    Harshad

    Reply
 

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