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I Hate My, More to the Hate Story

#FirstSevenJobs trended. If you’ve been around a few years, you might realize how many jobs you’ve forgotten when you start thinking about it. A lot of us have worked in restaurants!

Some people chose one word, maybe for a joke or maybe for real—hater being the stick out.

Hate is one those little four-letter words with uppercase letter massive impact. Snap PHOTO (2)

Hate is casually used all the time. I hate my job. I hate broccoli (I really don’t hate broccoli). I hate fire ants. I hate him. I hate her. I hate it. I hate how we say hate so much. 

When it’s not outwardly stated, we can hate ourselves, knowing it or not. This is called self-hate or self-hatred.

There’s also something called a love-hate relationship, and maybe we’ve all had a taste of that, but let’s get back to hate all by itself.

When we are most annoyed, most bothered, most upset, most judgmental, most envious, most intolerant, at the end of our frayed rope, we can feel a kind of everyday walking-around hate. Refer to the casual references above and insert what you find yourself saying at work or home or with your friends this week.

As a counselor and therapist, I’ve seen it a lot, “I hate my husband.” People share with me their stories which can range from farting and belching to playing video games all the time and lazy to irresponsible, cheating, controlling and dangerous. Many women live in literally impossible situations and are trapped by their circumstances. Through the years, I’ve seen many women truly victimized and traumatized to heartbreaking, practically irreparable levels. When you face the abuse statistics, you have to realize there’s a huge problem in our society with how we are treating each other and what’s going on in our heads.

Hate sometimes seems like it’s all around us, an invisible and most destructive force. It’s another stressful “thing” we have to process and reconcile and still go on enjoying life.

True, deep-rooted hate runs deep into the heart and soul and wears a full coat of evil. There’s no easy fix for this, but many musicians have been singing it, “all you need is love.” Doesn’t that sound easy? Actually no, it does not.

Cherilynn, where is this blog post going? (My editor asks me.) It’s meant to get us talking about hate in our lives. I know I need to write more, so here goes.

How can I love and hate at the same time?
That’s easy for most people, but there are a few people who have a self-discipline and commitment to love. Who do you know who is good at not judging, staying calm, keeping a level head, gentle in thought, word and deed. The more you expose yourself to hateful attitudes, the more you let that energy into your thinking patterns. Hate likes to hang out with its cousin fear and its brother violence.

What’s environmental hatefulness?
Here’s a thought starter: The July 2016 issue of The New Yorker digs through hate in “The Sound of Hate,” sorting through such ideas as the “
intersection of music and violence” and the potency of sound. How do we process or absorb hate in lyrics, in professional and amateur media that’s intended to entertain or inform, or maybe it actually intends to agitate for reasons known and unknown. Are you singing the tunes of hate and not even realizing it? Are you hanging out with hate in groups and organizations?

I hate my husband, what do I do?
Realize what might be the root cause of these feelings. Are you extremely annoyed, aggravated, bored or jealous? Have you grown apart for some reason (a job loss, major life change, pressure and stress, overworked, overtired)? Maybe you each have new interests and the other isn’t interested. Like it or not, these factors can affect our feelings. In extreme cases, there may be control issues, sex issues, abuse, cheating, addictions and other mental health issues, unlawful behavior.

In any case, getting the help of a professional counselor is a place to start. In extreme cases, a support network is an essential factor in riding out a terrible storm. My hope is that anyone in impossible circumstances has a support network, which starts with clergy or even just one friend who is in a good place.

Hate – what can we do about it?
We can’t resolve hate in our world easily, but maybe we can stop it in its tracks more often than we do. When it comes to hate, what’s going on in your world?

Take care,


Cherilynn Veland is a therapist living in Chicago. She also blogs about home, work, life and love at She is author of the book Stop Giving It Away.

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I Hate My, More to the Hate Story

Cherilynn Veland, LCSW, MSW

Cherilynn Veland, MSW, LCSW, is a counselor and coach based in Chicago. She has been helping individuals, couples and families for more than 20 years. She is author of Stop Giving It Away, a book about developing healthier relationships with yourself and others. The Stop Giving It Away movement aims to stop the detrimental level of self-sacrifice in which many women live and work. Winner of the 2015 National Indie Excellence Book Award in the Women's Issues category - Stop Giving It Away.

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APA Reference
, . (2016). I Hate My, More to the Hate Story. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 6, 2020, from


Last updated: 9 Aug 2016
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