Why don’t you want me?
I went car shopping recently. I needed an automobile that fit certain requirements: Space to carry ___ number of people, good gas mileage, particular price, small enough to maneuver from alley into garage and vice versa. I found a few cars that matched. I looked at them. I drove them. Some I liked. Some I didn’t like. Then I picked one.
Do you think the cars I rejected were “bad” cars? Were they worthless? Ugly? Cars that no one would want?
Imagine me walking away from one of the cars, only to have that car cower and cry. Now picture the car reaching for a pint of Haagan-Dazs and bemoaning, “What is wrong with me? Why not me?! Why don’t you want me?”
We women tend to think like this. When a man/partner doesn’t choose us, it must mean we are bad, ugly, rejectable, worthless, you name it.
Woman get strong overt and covert messages that we are less than, that we have to do more and be more, and that makes us good. Look at the cover of so many women’s magazines. You will see images of perfection and glossy guides on how to attract men. Do more. Be more. Repeat.
Then there’s pressure in relation to coupling. In my book, Stop Giving It Away, I write about the cultural messages that have set us up psychologically and culturally to feel rejected and bad when we get dumped.
Getting rejected by someone sucks. It is hard out there. It is difficult not to take others’ desires, wants and needs personally. It is a NORMAL reaction to feel like there is something wrong with us when we get rejected. However, feelings are not facts. Say this with me: “Feelings are not facts.”
What are they thinking when they reject you?
Men, same-sex partners, others are all trying to figure out their lives, just as you are. They come from complex psychological and emotional backgrounds that cause them to make good and bad partnering decisions.
Therapists get to see how life experience, physiology, addictions and attachments lead people in different directions. They just do.
Try to think about this and talk to yourself lovingly and compassionately as you nurse your rejection wounds. Rejection usually has little to do with what is wrong with you, and more to do with what your partner is feeling or needing at the time.
You will be okay. You are okay. You are great just the way you are.