Do you ever lie to be nice and get along? You don’t tell it like it is because you don’t want to hurt feelings, disappoint or cause conflict.
Giveaway Girls sometimes use little white lies to either cope with or cover for bad relationships, boundary crossings and other dissatisfactions. Are you guilty of any of these white lies?
Oh, no! It’s fine.
Giveaway Girls don’t want to deal with conflict, so they say something is okay when it is not. For example, your friend asks you to keep her kids at your house after school for several hours for the fourth week in a row. You didn’t mind in the beginning but now it’s not working. Time to say “I have been glad to have been a help, but our family has a lot of things we have to get done after school now. I need you to come up with a different plan.”
Sure. I can do that.
Saying yes to something you don’t want to do is a surefire way to feel resentful. Say no in the beginning and save yourself some anguish.
I don’t mind.
If you say you don’t mind and you don’t, that’s fine. Sometimes, you realize later that you do mind. In this case, it’s okay to change your mind. “I thought about this decision and I have decided I would really rather go somewhere warm for our vacation.”
Whatever you want to do is fine with me.
We make so many decisions in a day.
Did you know that the average person makes at least 70 conscious decisions in a day? How can that be? After all, a Cornell University study asserts that when it comes to food alone, we make more than 200 decisions a day. 200!
It’s hard to always know exactly how you feel when you’re busy, busy, busy. When you do know, say so. Use your voice.
If something isn’t okay, like how someone is treating you, say so. Use feeling words. I had a mean dental hygienist say something snarky to me last week and I said, “I feel really shamed and judged by the way you are acting toward me. That’s not okay.” (FYI: It wasn’t about my teeth;)
Let’s just move on. I am not mad.
Giveaway Girls don’t want to spend time being mad, unhappy or feeling disempowered. They want to move on quickly. Allow yourself to feel angry, feel the feelings, and move through them. Sometimes, you might need to say something or set a boundary. Otherwise, the anger will simmer below the service, or turn into self-loathing and maybe depression.
I love Miranda Lambert. Her songs are irreverent, fun, spirited Tough Girl girls. Her song “White Liar” starts out like this.
“Hey, white liar…
The truth comes out a little at a time!”
Watch this video for some fun inspiration.
About the author: Cherilynn M. Veland, LCSW, MSW, is author of the forthcoming book Stop Giving It Away. She leads a new self-advocacy movement intended to help women reach out, speak up, and take action steps for what’s best for them. Please support this effort by liking the Facebook page and/or subscribing for updates on my blog. You can also connect on Twitter and Google Plus. “Help me out, sisters!”
1. NickTasler,“WhatIsYourMomentumFactor?”Psychology Today, August 30, 2012, http://www.psychologytoday.com/ blog/strategic-thinking/201208/what-is-your-momentum- factor.
2. Brian Wansink and Jeffrey Sobal, “Mindless Eating: The 200 Daily Food Decisions We Overlook,” Environment and Behavior 39, no. 1 (2007): 106–23.