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Relationship Sabotage: 5 Super Unhelpful Relationship Beliefs!

2958351577_904601ffbeWe women do a lot right in the world. However, sometimes we can buy into relationship beliefs that are self-sabotaging. Here are 5 big ones:

1. Words are as important as actions.

As women, we love to hear nice things. We love to talk. We value what is being said.

If you spot a behavior in your mate that annoys or disturbs you, pay attention to it rather than making excuses for it. People tell you and show you exactly who they are. Giveaway Girls are women who sometimes go way beyond giving their guy the BOD (Benefit of the Doubt). They go into denial and don’t see reality.

An extreme example might be a woman who tells herself, “He doesn’t pay child support because it is super complicated with his ex-wife’s manipulation … blah blah blah.” When the reality is, he doesn’t pay child support because he is showing you he doesn’t take responsibility for his choices.

2. Love is all about sacrifice and giving … even if I’m the only one doing it.

Sure, relationships require some sacrifice. But unequal sacrifice equals an unhealthy relationship, and it’s a pattern that too many Giveaway Girls fall into. If you find yourself giving far more than you are getting, red flag!

3. Predictability is boring.

Some Giveaway Girls think that a guy who calls when he says he is going to call, who is predictable and not full of games and drama, is a turn-off. They want danger, excitement, wham- bam-knock-you-off-your-feet chemistry. They want bad boys — and it almost always ends in heartache.

4. He should just know by now that I need ________ (insert your desire here).

Some women have a strong desire for their loved one to know or sense automatically what it is they need. They want a partner who is tuned into them and knows when they need reassurance, encouragement, even a kiss on the cheek. Some of this is natural and understandable. However, sometimes it is a matter of asking for what you need, and communicating it effectively.

5. If I have to ask for what I need, it doesn’t count.

Asking for what you need from a partner with specifics, and in many different ways (sometimes many times), is part of a healthy partnership. Unfortunately, Giveaway Girls tend to sacrifice their needs so often that when they know the one thing they really need, so much emotional energy rides on it that if their partner falls short, the explosion can be way out of proportion with the issue at hand: Did my partner give only because I asked? He didn’t really want to do it in the first place! It doesn’t count. It doesn’t count!

Now, catch yourself if you have any of these beliefs. A lot of this thinking isn’t your fault. It is how we are socialized so don’t beat up on yourself. Just examine what you may be doing that isn’t that helpful.

Trade up! Starting thinking a little differently. Make a few positive changes on your side with all of your relationships today. And please make comments here is you feel you do this kind of stuff. Share because we would love to hear from you!

Action Step: Join the conversation and get tools and tips for how to stop being a Giveaway Girl on my other blog at

Take care,


Relationship Sabotage: 5 Super Unhelpful Relationship Beliefs!

Cherilynn Veland, LCSW, MSW

Cherilynn Veland, MSW, LCSW, is a counselor and coach based in Chicago. She has been helping individuals, couples and families for more than 20 years. She is author of Stop Giving It Away, a book about developing healthier relationships with yourself and others. The Stop Giving It Away movement aims to stop the detrimental level of self-sacrifice in which many women live and work. Winner of the 2015 National Indie Excellence Book Award in the Women's Issues category - Stop Giving It Away.

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APA Reference
, . (2016). Relationship Sabotage: 5 Super Unhelpful Relationship Beliefs!. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 16, 2019, from


Last updated: 23 Apr 2016
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