15 thoughts on “6 Toxic Arguing Techniques Used by Narcissists and Manipulators

  • August 6, 2018 at 11:01 pm

    I enjoyed reading this article on 6 Toxic Arguing used by narcissists and manipulators. It so reminded me of my sister. She went ballistic on me at her home when my mother was on her death bed. I couldn’t calm her, understand where she was coming from, she said painful and hurtful things and told me she disliked me since I was a child. All the time I kept singing and humming to block her out. She kicked me out of her house and I didn’t get much time to visit with my dyeing mother. She told me she never wanted to see me again. I feel I should call her , then I think not. I feel awful and pray for her and wish her well. Should I contact her??????

  • August 7, 2018 at 3:08 am

    I can’t even tell you how frustrating it is reading this article and knowing that my ex-wife is exactly this person and there is really nothing I can do about it. I live in a small town of about 2000 people and we’ve been divorced for over 6 years. We have two boys H 16 + 12 and I have shared custody, which I had to fight for without a lawyer Because the first one was basically just charging hours and I felt I could do a better job and do it for free. Our boys deserve better than this whole situation. From day one she has made it her mission to destroy my name and put a boot to my throat breaking me financially emotionally until I move away from town. But I can’t do that to our boys. They need their father. More than I need them. She told them we got a divorce because I was doing drugs which was not true. She also had her demons and I told our boys that we got a divorce because Mom and Dad could not act like adults. She had a new boyfriend after 3 weeks of filing for divorce I think I waited a year because I needed to focus on my own greeting process and the boys needs Above All Else. I don’t air my dirty laundry on social media like she does. I don’t bad mouth her in front of our boys. Or in public where their ears can hear. I don’t hate her. I feel indifferent towards her. I have forgiven her for everything that she did while we were married and even stuff that has happened since divorce but I cannot forgive her for time I’ve lost with our boys. Maybe someday. I have so many emails and texts that would backup every single point in this article but no one gives a shit. I can’t afford to take her back to court even though those boys are being emotionally damaged buy them I just try to set a good example and parallel parents the best I can. I make the time I do have with them quality time. No gifts. No money. Just making memories. I remember the first time I came across the term narcissist and what it entailed but I never called her that it does no good. And sure enough one of her nasty emails she used the term incorrectly but applied it to me. I have heard every cliche about people and divorce and it has allowed me to cheap taking the high road where there is less traffic. I have faith in myself and I found a hobby that I love to keep me busy when they are not home but I just wish somebody could stop her. When both of our boys have graduated from high school I hope they move as far away from this toxic mess as possible because they are both straight A students and can do anything they put their minds to. They truly are the best parts of both of us and she gave me two perfect little Souls that I will always cherish and always love. But that’s it I don’t owe her anything except being civil and adult when we are in front of our children. Even if she isn’t one of us has to be the adult. I don’t believe in all that Karma crap. Because I don’t wish bad things on other people. Whenever she gets has nothing to do with me and how I want to live my life which is to treat others how I want to treat it. It breaks my heart though because she is the mother of our boys and for a short year we did get along great and I loved it but it was only temporary because her inability to love herself holds us all in that prison with her. I do not wish divorce on anybody ever not even my worst enemy. Especially when there’s children involved. The older she gets the worst it is getting and I feel helpless because I know there is damage being done to them by someone who supposedly loves them with all her heart. I think about doing all these different things to clear my name and expose her but it’s just a waste of time and energy that I would rather put towards good things. I really don’t even know why I started this rant but it feels good sometimes to just get shit out and then hit the delete button. I get the children in the middle class one month after she filed for divorce and she did the course also according to her certificate. I don’t think she took anything away from the class. I had pages and pages of notes and I continue today to still look for more information on improving myself as a single father. I even asked her if she wanted to go with me to the class so we would be on the same page and I was laughed at. I’m just trying to get through each day and surviving long enough to see what these boys do with their lives. And I hope somebody tells them the truth about their mother and father. Won’t do me any good but at least they they would be told how hard I tried until my last breath.

    • September 1, 2018 at 5:42 am

      I am with you with every single sentence you wrote. Like I wrote it. Except for the last sentence. I often think ‘I hope the kids find out and realize. I hope someone tells them…’ But why? It will only hurt them. Either they come to their own conclusion or they don’t. I will not tell them all the toxic details. Take the high road. All the way to the end. And good luck
      Mother of 9+12, dealing with a narcissistic non-co-parent.

  • August 7, 2018 at 12:47 pm

    You have described Donald Trump to a T. Scary…

    • September 24, 2018 at 9:19 am

      I was thinking the same thing!

  • August 7, 2018 at 9:42 pm

    yup perfect description of my ex

  • August 8, 2018 at 6:55 am

    Well I have some friends who are narcissistic. I often wondered, since I have a BS in Psychology, if it was their upbringing or just being poor that makes them this way. I often get word salad and my words put back to me in a garbled mixed up manner. I think for those with poor English communication skills, they take the second person , you, and redirect the conversation as if we are the problem, that is tough to deal with. In other words, like “how would you like it,?or , what are you supposed to do,?” referring to themselves in these situations. Perhaps they are crying out for assistance, but this comes with education, so I guess some of my friends are poor and uneducated.

  • August 8, 2018 at 10:03 am

    Thank you for an excellent article describing narcissism! It has helped me to realize the futility in trying to reason with a narcissist.

    Four years ago I spent almost a year away from home helping and caring for my terminally ill daughter (whom I will call Betsy) in a neighboring state. During that time I would return home for brief stays to take care of business, and then hurry back to lend my assistance with driving to and from doctors’ appointments, surgeries, cooking and laundry, moral support, etc. During the brief periods that I was away, my son-in-law would leave his job to accompany Betsy for medical appointments, etc. Betsy’s friend (who had been diagnosed as bipolar, and whom I will refer to as Jessica) would help in this regard, too; even when her help was not needed, she would come and sit with us whenever my daughter was receiving blood transfusions or undergoing tests. Jessica was “clingy” and manipulative, to the point that at one time when I was scheduled to return on a specific day after having spent a few days at home, Jessica texted me telling me to delay my return because she would take over my “sitter” duties for a few days. Although this seemed to be a noble gesture on her part, I could not change my plans for several reasons, one of which involved a friend of mine accompanying me on the drive so that she could babysit for her own daughter living in the same area. I could relate many more instances of Jessica’s efforts to control me and to make me look bad in my daughter’s eyes—exactly as you describe in your article here–but it would be much too time-consuming to do so.

    Sometime during the last few weeks of Betsy’s life, while I was busy in her kitchen and my young adult granddaughter (Betsy’s daughter) and a paid sitter were in the bedroom with Betsy, Jessica came to visit. Shortly after her arrival, the sitter was sent out of the room and came downstairs to join me while I was cooking in the kitchen. About an hour later, I went upstairs to the bedroom where the three of them were, only to find the door shut—so I turned around and returned to the kitchen. Still later, I went upstairs again, but they were still behind closed doors. Eventually Jessica emerged from the bedroom and left for home.

    The next morning, while I was enjoying a morning cup of coffee, my granddaughter (with whom I had always had a loving relationship) approached me and proceeded to accuse me of all sorts of things—shocking me so much that the only specific I can remember is that she said I was making Betsy’s illness all about myself. I hardly recognized my granddaughter; it was as though she was possessed. (In my own defense, I don’t think I deserved that charge; I don’t remember ever having complained about being there to help my dying daughter.) It just so happened that the Hospice nurse was upstairs with Betsy at the time and heard my granddaughter lambasting me. That nurse later came and sat on the floor next to me, held my hand, and tried to console me. Later my granddaughter came and apologized to me, having been sent by the Hospice nurse to do so; a couple of days later, while my granddaughter was driving back to college, she called me to apologize again, telling me that she didn’t know what got into her. As for Betsy, Hospice had her so heavily medicated with pain pills that I will never know to what extent she participated in the plot evidently hatched by Jessica to drive me away and to make me look bad in the eyes of my daughter and granddaughter. After enduring that diatribe by my granddaughter, I slept less than three hours the following night and knew that at my age (then 81) I couldn’t continue to function and be of help there anymore, so I told my son-in-law I had to return home. After a couple of weeks away from the situation, wanting to be with my terminally ill daughter during her last days, I returned for a brief time, but again found it difficult to be around Jessica, who succeeded in driving me away again. She wanted to be Betsy’s “go-to” girl, although Betsy had previously told me that Jessica was undependable and couldn’t be counted on for help.

    In my search for information that would describe Jessica’s personality, I became convinced that she is a narcissist. This article of yours describes her perfectly. Even after four years, no matter how hard I try letting go of those events, I will always wonder what went on among those three behind closed doors in that bedroom that precipitated the attack on me, and what my dying daughter felt about me after having her mind poisoned by Jessica. When I tried talking to my granddaughter about this, she burst out crying and wouldn’t talk about it, so I will never know exactly what happened behind those closed doors. Other family and friends were never the target of Jessica’s wrath and have never seen that side of her, so they think I have made much ado about nothing. To others, Jessica has a great, fun-loving personality, although Betsy once told me that among their circle of friends the general consensus was that they felt sorry for Jessica’s husband because she was so difficult to deal with. So to sum it up, thank you for the clarity you brought to my search for information that would help me better understand the difficulties in dealing with a narcissist.

  • August 8, 2018 at 1:36 pm

    I just had to break off from a relationship with a narcissist, for the second time. I tried to the best of my ability to make it work after 7 years of silence but sadly, when it comes to this type of person it doesn’t matter how much they say they have changed, eventually their true colors show through, and in my case my own mental stability was taking a hit and I had to say enough. It hurts so badly, my mother is 82 now, but I have to take care of myself, and protect my own stability. I am coming our of a recent mental health crisis, I asked my psychiatrist for help and that if he couldn’t help me right then, that I wanted him to check me into the hospital, ( the Last Place I Ever want to be) he made a medication change and added a stronger anti anxiety medication, and I am beginning to feel better. So now back to working on getting stronger, getting out of the house, and engaging in life again.

  • August 9, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    Some real aha moments in this article! One which really stands out for me is why I tortured myself for decades with the “if only” thinking. I don’t have contact with people like this anymore, it’s just too full of heartache and frustration. If you think you can “fix” them you are sadly mistaken.

  • August 25, 2018 at 8:58 pm

    Wow.. This is the best article I have read so far… Im not in the relationship any more but are standing back and watching the show he is putting on for others…

  • September 1, 2018 at 5:49 am

    There are many great articles about narcissism. This is an excellent summary for me. Short, sweet, to the point. Covering all the points why communication and cooperation is impossible with true narcissists and why you end up doubting yourself, like you were the culprit all along. It is sad to learn there are so many of these sick peoples out there that make life miserable for others, especially innocent children. And the courts give a royal fuck.

  • September 5, 2018 at 12:37 pm

    Its pretty alarming to know that trying to go up against a narcissist that will stop at nothing to win, deceive, betray etc, what should one do when they are about to divorce you. When they use their manipulation skills on your children and all the people that you know as friends together, to discredit you, make you out to be a monster, all the while they are the smiling assassins!!

    When its a woman who can put on the crocodile tears on a whim, what chance has a compassionate, caring man/husband got??

    Doomed for the get go!!

  • September 19, 2018 at 3:48 pm

    This post describes my husband to a T. I no longer give him and ‘in’ where he’d play all his nasty narc games with me. I walk away and shut my ears. Amen

  • September 24, 2018 at 11:52 am

    Don’t forget the “I was joking!” lie and all its variations – aka, “Come on, you didn’t seriously think I meant that…” etc. after saying some outrageously hurtful or critical thing directly to your face.

    I fell for that LIE for years, but I’m onto it now. I started responding with, “But, it wasn’t funny. *You* weren’t laughing, you weren’t even smiling?? How am I supposed to know?”

    He hasn’t been doing it for quite some time now, but my guard is always up.


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