7 thoughts on “4 Ways Childhood Adversity Teaches Us a Wrong Understanding of Love

  • June 20, 2018 at 11:28 am

    Great article and I would add only one thing: parents must not negate what a child says,

    however far fetched it seems to the parent. I used to tell my mother “I hate him. I wish he

    were dead,” about my drinker father. “You don’t mean that,” she’d respond. As an adult I read in

    a psychology book that when a child asks for an ice cream cone, it’s all right to say s/he can’t

    have one, but it’s not all right to say “No, you really don’t.”

    I grew up feeling that everyone was out to thwart me. I’ve learned that most people really

    want to help.

    • June 20, 2018 at 11:33 am


      Good points! It’s important to recognize how a child feels, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Or to put it differently, invalidating a child’s feelings because it makes you uncomfortable is unfair to the child.

      Thank you for your comment!

  • June 20, 2018 at 2:27 pm

    What groups and or 12 step programs would you recommend to adults who suffer from this as a result of adverse childhood experiences. Specifically I identify with #3. Thanks!

    • June 26, 2018 at 4:03 pm

      I highly recommend Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA or also referred to as ACA). Codependents Anonymous addresses some of this too, but there don’t seem to be as many of those meetings.

  • June 20, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    Thank you Darius for the article. Very important subject. I was relatively ´old´ when I really had an awakening about my family circumstances in infancy, childhood and, let´s face it, they have not changed. I have changed.

    I feel that when we finally wake up to a new day and do see the truth (the reality), it´s not so important to go over again and again, how things were and what was their effect upon me and my family.

    I personally find troubling how to resolve my feelings towards my past, towards my mother. I blame her for everything. I feel in a way I am right to blame her, but on perspective of reality of life, I am wrong to look for someone to blame. She is a human being. She cannot help what she was like. or what she Still is like. I have this hate when I see what and why. On the other hand, I feel hating is pointless. How can you hate (and love) someone who did not know, and does not know anything else/better? They are still the same. They are what they are, and cannot be anything else.

    I want to let go. I want to learn how to let go, how to forgive. Perhaps it is not something to be learned but to be done. Just letting go. Cutting off that circle of experiencing those emotions. For I do not know if there´s anything to forgive. People do the best they can, even if it´s not very good for others. A Vietnamese buddhist munk said in a conference

    “How much can you ask from your mother?”

    I think that once one is able to see the reality, perhaps one has the responsibility to let go. We cannot put the blame on other people, we cannot put the blame on our parents. They did what they could. I personally have decided to rewire my brain, let go and just embrace myself. Go towards my fears. Accept my life as it is even though it has been severely affected by my childhood. There is no such a thing as perfect parents, perfect upbringing, perfect lives and perfect people. I am what I am – what a wise title for a song!

    Take care you all. Thank you Darius for speaking out, looking deep into the human life.

    • June 23, 2018 at 8:20 pm

      Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience, Jane!

      All the best,

  • June 26, 2018 at 9:14 am

    This article very close with my childhood life.
    When I’m small, I always thinking to gain love, you must feel the pains first. I was struggle in my life, I was neglected by my parents. Since then, my grandparents took me and raised me up. Unfortunately, aunty and my family members abused me emotionally and physically, same goes with my mother. I was super scared. I create my own pathway to build resilience.
    When my grandfather passed away 2 years ago, I feel extremely sad and emptiness. I seek help from mental health professionals, and I was diagnosed as MDD.
    Currently I’m under medication and psychotherapy. My therapist teached me about so many things and now I able to see the world with new perceptive.


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